Disclaimers

This blog contains adult material, including depictions and descriptions of nudity, consensual BDSM play and sexuality.
If you are a minor or are otherwise legally not permitted to view this content, or if you find this blog offensive for any other reason, you must click here to exit the page. Alex in Spankingland is vehemently opposed to the corporal punishment of children. Please click here for information on non-violent parenting.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

My First Book: The Doctor's Little Girl

Over the past several months, I wrote my first book. It's spanking erotica, with a mix of romance, ageplay (DD/lg) and medical play themes. It's called "The Doctor's Little Girl" and it was released today by Stormy Night Publications

Writing my first spanking book was a serious undertaking. I'm fortunate that my experience in college taught me how to sit still and work on something for hours on end with my feet propped up and an ever growing pile of empty energy drinks and candy wrappers on the ground next to me. I did most of the writing before Paul left to go back to England, and I was lucky to have someone so supportive there "encouraging" me to keep going, to focus and not to get frustrated and give up on myself.

Although I  have a lot of writing experience, this was my first manuscript of any real length. It was definitely challenging. Mostly, I was daunted by the task. Throughout my whole life I'd imagined that I would write books, and I had talked about doing this one for a long time before I actually started. I'm so grateful for the support that my publishers, friends and scene-family gave to me throughout the writing process.

Check out the amazing cover that Korey Mae Johnson (co-owner of Stormy Night and a very good friend of mine) created for my book:


Here's the summary:

"After losing yet another job, twenty-year-old Molly Parker wonders whether failure and sadness are her lot in life. Her last hope lies in Dr. Andrew Harrington, the handsome physician who witnessed a courageous act of kindness on her part and then offered her a job. But Molly can’t help worrying that she’ll lose this job too, just like all the others… 
From the moment he set eyes on her, Andrew knew there was something special about Molly—special enough for him to bring her halfway across the country and give her a job at his practice and a room in his home—but it soon becomes clear that she will be a handful. When it seems that her poor attitude at work will leave him no choice but to fire her, he makes a bold decision and gives Molly exactly what she needs: a long, hard, bare-bottom spanking. 
 
Nobody has ever cared enough about Molly to correct her before, let alone take her in hand so completely, and soon enough she is cuddling in Andrew’s lap and calling him daddy. It will take more than one trip over Andrew’s knee to cure her bad habits, though, and discipline at a doctor’s office can leave a naughty little girl blushing bright red before her real punishment even begins. But can Andrew really give Molly what she has always longed for, or will he eventually give up on her like everyone else?  
Publisher’s Note: The Doctor’s Little Girl is an erotic romance novel that contains spankings, sexual scenes, age play, medical play, anal play, and more. If such material offends you, please don’t buy this book." 

Want a little more than that? Here's an excerpt from the book:

“Show me where you keep your pajamas,” he instructed.
Molly silently pointed to one of the drawers in the bureau near the window. Andrew got up and opened the drawer. Things were stuffed into it instead of being folded, but Andrew knew that now was not the right time to call her out on that. Instead he sifted through the drawer until he found a pair of cute, girlish pajamas: pink polka-dotted shorts with lace trim and a white tank top. He set them on the bed and gestured for Molly to stand up. She did what he wanted her to, and Andrew stood her in front of him, taking a moment to look at her. He looked at her big eyes and her delicate, innocent features, then let his gaze move down to her body. She was absolutely adorable. There was just no denying this. Slowly and calmly, he began to unbutton the buttons on her blouse.
“What are you doing?” she asked. She didn’t sound worried, but simply curious, maybe intrigued by the proceedings.
“I’m getting my little girl ready for bed,” he told her. He finished undoing her buttons and then pulled her blouse off her shoulders, sliding it off her arms and then setting it aside. It revealed an off-white bra. It was simple and unpadded, more for modesty than anything else. Her perky breasts held themselves up, capturing Andrew’s attention through the soft cotton fabric. He reached behind Molly’s back and, with a practiced maneuver, unhooked her bra with one hand. Molly began to blush furiously. It was adorable to watch the redness bloom on her face, originating around her cheeks and spreading across her nose and ears. He smiled boldly, and gently brushed the tip of her nose with one finger. 
He pulled the bra all the way off and set it with her shirt, then reached back and unzipped her skirt. The pencil skirts that Rebecca had picked out for Molly were professional, but because of the roundness of Molly’s backside, they clung to her, captivating Andrew’s eyes as she wandered around the office or house. Now that he had seen her bottom bare and red, the thought was never far from his mind. It took a little effort to wiggle the skirt over her butt, and Molly assisted him a little, swaying from side to side to encourage the fabric downwards. 
Soon, Molly was standing before him only in her panties. Andrew gently rubbed her back for a second, feeling her smooth, milky skin. He looked at her panties. They were pale purple with white polka dots, and Molly looked sweet and innocent wearing them, but it was time for them to come off. He pulled them down and she instinctively stepped out of them. Her coyness and obedience, combined with her lithe, nude form, made his cock grow hard. 
“Good girl,” he praised and Molly smiled slightly through her embarrassment. Andrew took a step back to enjoy the view, noticing that although it was warm in the room, Molly’s peachy nipples were rock hard. He was surprised to see that she didn’t try to cover herself with her hands. Instead, she kept them obediently at her sides, with only the flush on her face showing how much it embarrassed her to be stripped nude like this. “How does it feel to be naked in front of me?” Andrew asked. 
Molly bit her lip, as if she was thinking of the right answer. “Vulnerable,” she finally said. 
“Vulnerable,” Andrew repeated. “I like that answer. Are you embarrassed that I can see you?” he inquired. 
Molly nodded. 
“You’re mine to look at, little girl,” he told her. “I told you you were my little girl, and I meant it.” 

The book is chock full of the usual spankings that, if you read this blog, you'll come to expect from me. It also includes other fantasies of mine that I haven't always shared so openly, like some of the ageplay aspects and the medical play. While some parts of the book are inspired by my real life experiences, a lot of it comes from my imagination: specifically, from what my imagination comes up with when I have one hand down my pants.

I really, really hope that some of you guys will grab a copy. It's an e-book, so if you're confused by this feel free to let me know and I'll help you figure it out. It's also less than $5, so I personally think that's a great deal. If you're able to help me spread the word that I've written a book, I would also love that. The support you guys give me means so much to me.

By the way, you can now like me and my blog on Facebook if you are so incline. I'll be posting updates and other interesting stuff there.

❤︎ 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Awards and Unveiling a Secret Project

Hi guys!
I've just had way too much stuff going on recently, and I have about six blog posts in progress, but I wanted to take a second to point out a couple of things.

First of all, I want to remind you guys that the voting for the 2014 Spanking Awards has officially started. This year, the Awards are being hosted on Spanking Blogg instead of on the now pretty much defunct Spanking Spot.




This year, Alex in Spankingland was once again nominated for Creative Spanking Blog of the Year. During the last awards (in 2012, as no prizes were given in 2013) I was proud to have received this award.

I absolutely LOVE a lot of the other blogs who were nominated this time, though. Included among them is the blog that encouraged me to start blogging in the first place: Erica Scott's Life, Love and Spanking. Erica is one of my best friends, and if a week goes by where I don't get to see her, it seems like it's been too long. Her blog is heartfelt, honest and hilarious, and she's been a role model for me in my process of opening up and talking about my real life on my blog more and more.

Another one of my favorite blogs was nominated: Pandora Blake's Spanked Not Silenced. Pandora's blog is an amazing mix of important intellectual discussion of spanking, D/s and pornography topics as well as very personal, introspective writing. She's also been a big influence on me as a blogger, and I followed her writing closely back before it ever occurred to me that I would meet her!

A third blog that I really enjoy which has been nominated is Snowflake Roasting Service. I don't actually *know* S and Snow, the couple who runs what is probably the best original content tumblr spanking blog of all time. It feels like I do, though, because their exhibition isn't just for spanking and sexual play: they share a lot of their lives with the internet. I've talked to S a few times over the past couple of years, too, and he's always been super friendly and nice. Definitely A+ people doing top quality amateur content.

I don't really know Hermione, who writes Hermione's Heart, either, but she's very dedicated to keeping the conversations in the spanking blogs world going, and she blogs with consistency that makes me jealous. She writes in a way that makes her feel like an old friend, and I really enjoy following her.

I had never visited the other nominated blogs, but I'm definitely going to check them out now!

There are several other categories up for voting now, which I will certainly talk about in the next couple of days. Getting writing done has been hard recently because there are a lot of distractions when I'm away from home.

Speaking of writing: over the past several months, I've mentioned that I've been working on two big projects. One of them is ready to reveal: I've just finished writing my first ever spanking romance novel, which will be released by Stormy Night Publications in the next couple of days. I'll be posting more information about it soon, but it's been a big undertaking for me. I've never written anything longer than a 30 page academic paper before, so writing an entire book was a challenging and exciting process for me. I loved writing it, though. It was an interesting experience, too, because as much as I write about my personal life and as many spanking stories as I've shared, I almost never write about sex. I had a ton of fun creating all the sex scenes in my book, borrowing bits and pieces from long term fantasies of mine and from actual experiences (but you'll have to read it and try to guess which ones are which). The book explores a lot of themes that I find super hot, although not necessarily the ones I do on film: specifically, it's chock full of medical play and age play scenes, but of course there's a very high dose of spanking, too. I personally think it's super hot, and I hope that you'll give it a read when it comes out. So, stayed tuned for more information on The Doctor's Little Girl in the next couple of days.

Anyway, it's the middle of then night in the timezone where I currently am, so I need to head to bed.
More tomorrow!
❤︎

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Censorship in the UK, Pornographers in Exile

So, let's talk about the new ATVOD law that came into effect in the UK on Monday. I'd guess that many of you have already heard a lot about it, and if you read Pandora Blake's blog you've already read much more cogent and significant writing than what I'm about to present here, but I long ago came to the conclusion that there's no reason not to talk about something just because others have already done an excellent job of it. Besides, this issue needs all the media attention it can get, and I'm still seeing misinformation about the situation being passed around on social media.

People on twitter and Fetlife have been talking about the UK's "spanking ban" or "porn ban." These terms aren't actually very accurate. The ATVOD law is a piece of legislature which limits what sorts of sexual activities can be presented in "video on demand", a category which includes basically all forms of internet pornography: streaming and downloads on membership sites and pay-per-download videos hosted on sites like clips4sale and even content which is given out for free.

The law has been talked about a lot in the spanking community because it directly affects us: one of the things prohibited by the law is the infliction of any kind of pain inducing activity which is beyond "transient and trifling" and which leaves any mark on the body beyond slight reddening of the skin (welts, bruises... basically marks). This sums up most of the spanking content produced anywhere in the world. But the term "spanking ban" isn't really the right one to use for two reasons. First of all, someone unaware of the situation reading that might come to the erroneous conclusion that spanking itself has been banned in the UK. It has not. That's actually one of the things which is upsetting about the law: things which are perfectly legal to perform are illegal to film and distribute. The second reason is because while the prohibition of spanking in pornography is the part that will most directly affect most of us, the list of acts that are classified as "extreme pornography" is long and it includes a lot of things that are problematic. The term "porn ban" is also not entirely correct. Not all porn has been made illegal. Only a lot of the interesting stuff.

Spanking producers anywhere in the world have been dealing with a certain form of censorship for as long as internet spanking porn has existed. What we can and can't show on film has been previously decided for us not by our governments, but by the companies that we use to process credit cards. CCBill, Clips4Sale and other companies that producers use to receive payment used to be the primary people who set the rules for what could and couldn't be offered online.

Their rules restrict a lot of kinks, but are actually, by comparison, fairly permissive towards spanking porn: they prohibit showing any blood for any reason, limit what kind of ageplay scenarios can be presented, get fussy about words signifying blood relationships ("father," "mother," "brother," "sister" et cetera) and force us to be careful about what words we use to talk about force and consensual non consent. They can also prohibit what is and isn't too extreme in terms of marking, but it usually doesn't come up.

Except, of course, for the time that it did. In 2013, CCBill forced Pandora Blake to remove a handful of scenes from Dreams of Spanking and to make changes to all the language used on the site, getting rid of words like "little girl" and "forced." She had to comply or lose her ability to make money from her site, but she wasn't being pushed into this by the law. She responded by making the content available for free on Darker Dreams.

Now that censorship is being enforced by the government and not just by corporations, this sort of work around isn't possible anymore: like I mentioned before, UK producers can't even give the content away for free. In addition to that, because making this content is illegal it doesn't just mean that breaking the laws will result in your site being taken down (which in and of itself is disastrous for a producer, since for almost everyone I know producing spanking videos their site is their full time job and primary source of income) but in actual legal action being taken against the producers. As far as I understand the law (and feel free to correct me if I don't have a proper understanding of it) someone could actually, hypothetically go to jail for making illegal, "extreme" pornography.

Looking at the law directly doesn't tell you exactly what is and isn't permitted in an easy to find manner because the law works by classifying internet pornography under the standards of censorship which had previously only applied to films released in cinema or on DVD: this is the reason why most UK spanking producers either don't offer DVDs or sell them semi secretly. I referred to this blog post, which carefully breaks down what material is and isn't permitted. The list is seriously problematic:

Peeing and female ejaculation are lumped together into one category, with the same rules applying to urine and to female ejaculatory fluid. This just shows a lack of sex education on the part of the people responsible for this legislature, because these two things are entirely different. Both are still permitted as long as they aren't done onto another person, or then consumed. Squirting during sex is alright if it is "brief" and "isolated."

This is an enormous problem because squirting isn't even something that you set out to do, necessarily. It's part of some women's physiological response to sexual stimulus. This is a rule that will only affect female-centric porn that features female performers genuinely enjoying themselves (I don't know anyone who can fake squirt, personally). You can have a brief squirt here and there, but can't intentionally do it on anyone. And peeing, which is a widely popular fetish, can only be done in isolation from other people. This affects some spanking videos. There's a cross over between the wetting fetish and the spanking fetish, specifically for girls wetting themselves while being spanked. It's something people are very divided on, but I personally think this is totally hot. The scenes where one wets oneself while over a lap being spanked are doubly prohibited.

There isn't actually a health risk associated with any of this behavior, either, even if we're talking about drinking pee. Although some people may find it gross (it's not my thing, personally) it isn't any more likely to spread disease than lots of other things that we are totally allowed to do in porn (like kissing or having sex). You can't ban something because you think it's gross.

Of course, any consumption of male ejaculation is entirely fine. I don't even understand how this makes sense. I feel that it's blatantly sexist, and is implying that male centric, heteronormative porn is acceptable and that female centric porn is "extreme" and therefore deserving of censorship. On a related note, facesitting has been forbidden. This is apparently because if you try this on your own at home, you might die by having the airway blocked.

Interestingly, throat fucking, which also can be potentially dangerous in terms of blocking the airway, is entirely acceptable. The act which shows male pleasure is allowed, but the one which shows female pleasure is banned. You however, aren't allowed to tell someone to "gag on your cock" because it refers to blocking the airway, whether you are doing it or not. Gags in general, especially when associated with bondage are prohibited. Bondage as a whole is mostly against the law, especially when it isn't explicitly part of a roleplay scenario. I get the impression that behind the scenes material and context building items like interviews and performer blog posts don't count for demonstrating consent here, just explicitly defining it on camera, which makes fantasy based bondage scenes illegal.

Fisting has been entirely forbidden. You cannot insert five fingers past the first knuckle into someone's body. Again, this is a popular feature in female centric porn, and there's no evidence that it's actually medically dangerous.

There are quite a few other things on the list, but this blog post will be infinitely long if I talk about all of them, so let me come to the most relevant: BDSM pain play is only permissible if it is "transient and trifling." Like I said before, this means no marks and less visible severity of any kind. I don't just mean spanking, I mean any kind of kinky shit that hurts someone.

The supposed reason for this and for most of the other regulations is someone might try to replicate this at home and cause harm or death. This is a strange argument. For one thing, you can watch depictions of lots of things that you really shouldn't try to do yourself, like almost everything in every movie and TV show ever. For some reason, they seem to believe that the general public can grasp the idea that you shouldn't replicate the things that you see in a standard film, but that people will do dangerous and harmful things if they replicate that which is presented in pornography. I feel that if this was the real concern, it should just suffice to add a little caption on the bottom of the screen that reads "professional fuckers on a closed set, do not try this at home."

In a certain way, by saying this, the British government is making all pornographers de facto sex educators. If they truly believe that people will replicate what they see in porn, shouldn't they be celebrating sex positive porn, female centric porn and consensual, safe kink porn? Instead, these are the sites that they are criminalizing. Porn which shows a man with a perfect dick fucking a girl with a perfect body in a scene where he never attempts to please her, she moans in a way which is obviously fake and he then pulls out and ejaculates all over her face is basically protected under this law. Nothing about this scene is "extreme."

If porn is meant to be a guide to sexual practices, then these videos are shoving body negativity and sexism down our throats in a way that the damage, while not physical, would be far beyond transient and trifling. The sites that focus on the pleasure of people of all genders, on discovering who you are and loving it, on not being ashamed of your sexuality even if you've been taught that it's wrong by society are the ones that are being targeted by these restrictions.

Spanking porn is actually a very positive thing. It's primarily made by a tight knit group of people who keep each other safe and who are passionate enough about sharing and celebrating their kink that they're willing to dedicate their lives to it. The spanking community (both online and at parties) allows us to interact with performers and know that they truly enjoy what they do. You're currently sitting wherever you are reading my blog about how I love what I do and how it fills my life with happiness and satisfaction in a way that no other profession could for me.

While there are certainly models who aren't interested in spanking and just do a few shoots here and there for the money, they're looked after, too, and the play is scaled to their tolerances. Limits are discussed. Safewords are in place. The play which is presented in spanking shoots is actually very safe: realistically, trying to replicate what you see in a film is likely not actually going to hurt someone because the majority of the Tops in spanking films are very skilled and watching them carefully can actually teach good technique. Of course we roleplay non-consensual scenarios, but I feel that this is the part which is inherently understood by the viewer. And if it isn't, should we just be responsible for providing more context building materials outside of the actual scene instead of having the entire thing banned?


 I'm not saying that the spanking industry is perfect. I have had bad experiences (one notable one) and so have other models that I know. But in general, it's a healthy, positive community, and with the current louder voices in the scene emphasizing acceptance, safe play, negotiation, consent et cetera, it could only get even better. Unless, of course, you ban the entire thing.

I think it's telling that when I get into arguments with people online in which I try to defend my experience as a spanking model as having been positive and explain that producing and participating in porn can be a really great experience for everyone involved, the response that I usually get is that it's so nice for me that in my niche things are in such good shape, but that "real" porn is full of consent violations and ignored limits (I have absolutely no experience with mainstream B/G porn and I'm not agreeing with or supporting this statement, just repeating what was said to me on the internet). It's funny that what I do isn't even considered "real" porn by many, yet to the British government, it's not just real, it's "extreme."

So, what's the state of affairs for the UK based spanking producers? They're faced with the calling to either relocate their studios, close up shop or fight back and do whatever they can. As far as I have been able to tell, none of the British spanking sites are going to stop production.

Paul told me about this law a couple of weeks ago, and was obviously extremely distressed about it. He asked me if I would be willing to take over legal ownership of Northern Spanking, making it a US based website instead of a UK one. In order to do this, Paul had to, on a legal level, give me every aspect of his company. Technically, I own it, and he now doesn't have any source of income: that's all, on paper, mine. Since, despite what you may have heard, I'm not a terrible person, I'm not going to really let this change anything. Everything about Northern will remain the same, until the site's new design which has been in process for a while now is launched, that is. (I'm not going to run in and put stickers on everything.)

The process of transferring ownership to me was complicated, tedious, stressful and expensive, but it means that Northern is no longer at risk and that, most importantly, no one is going to arrest Paul. Doing this made me sad, though. It was bitter that Paul can't own the thing that he has spent the better portion of my lifetime nurturing, and which he dedicates so much time, love, energy to. I know that he's angry at the government for taking that away from him, and rightfully so. I wish I could be with him right now to offer him some comfort.

I learned that John Osborne who runs Triple A Spanking has done something similar: he announced on his blog that transferred ownership of his site to his US based partner, Sarah Gregory in what I can only assume is a similar arrangement. Not everyone has the privilege of having a trusted loved one in another country to whom they can transfer ownership of their site, however. When I was first asked for my thoughts on this on tumblr, a commenter asked why producers don't just move to another country.

Moving yourself to another country is incredibly difficult. It means uprooting your entire life, putting a huge distance between you and your loved ones, leaving your home, selling or getting rid of most of your possessions because they're too expensive and difficult to ship, selling your car or paying expensive fees to ship it, rehoming your pets or putting them through quarantine, going through a complicated legal process to get residency which is never easy and in fact can severely limit who can immigrate where and, if you're leaving England, potentially giving up your right to free Health Care. I know all this because this is what Paul is going through right now.

When I first responded to that inquiry, I said that I didn't think anyone would do that. It bothered me that people so callously threw this idea around online like it was the simplest thing in the world. "What? The law is infringing on your freedom and making it illegal for you to continue to earn your living? Just leave your entire life behind and start living somewhere else!" Moving to another country is a serious commitment, and I, wishfully, didn't think that this was a situation so dire that it would cause people to have to do that.

I was not correct, as Sarah Bright of Spanking Sarah and English Spankers (among other sites) announced that she and her partner, Mr. Stern will be relocating their family to Spain to avoid persecution, a piece of news that solidified the seriousness of this situation for me. I simultaneously think it isn't fair for people to suggest that producers should simply move away and feel that it's perfectly understandable to want to live your life, especially a family life (as Sarah describes in her post) away from this stressful situation.

Pandora Blake has declared that she's staying put, and she's staying very on top of things, giving us information on how to file a complaint against the ATVOD and encouraging people to join her at a protest against the policies next week. Dreams of Spanking will continue to operate in the UK.

 Nimue Allen of Nimue's World  has posted about the issue as well, and, as far as I can tell, intends to stand her ground and continue to operate her site from England. Hywel Phillips of Restrained Elegance, explained in a blog post that his studios are already legally based in the US and that he isn't sure how the censorship will affect him, but that he doesn't want to have to leave his home country. I don't know what several other producers plan to do or not do, but it's vital that all of them have our support.

What can you do?

If you live in the UK you can write to your MP protesting the censorship.
No matter where you live, you can sign this petition.
If you live in the UK you can also sign this one, and, most importantly, the official petition.
Donate to Backlash UK, a sexual liberties lobby group which has set up a legal fund to assist producers if they are targeted, and who is campaigning against the policy.
If you're local to London or able to travel there, attend a protest outside of Parliament.
Consider getting a month's membership to one of the sites affected by the censorship.

Please remember:
If you live in the UK, it is NOT illegal for you to join spanking sites, purchase spanking content or posses this content. As a consumer, you are not at risk: only producers are.

I don't even feel up to leaving the sign-off heart on this post. There's nothing that I heart about this.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

KOTW: The Words

I am a very, very bad girl and I'm writing this after it's technically due, but the submit link is still open, so I'm going for it. I feel like a naughty student trying to slip my homework assignment into the stack on my teacher's desk in hopes that he'll still accept it. [Shakes self free of fantasy] This Last week's Kink of the Week topic was dirty talk.

 Kink of the Week


Generally, when I think about the idea of dirty talk, I imagine a conversation like this:

"Oh, oh fuck me. Fuck my cunt."
"Oh yes, you like my cock in your wet pussy don't you, you filthy whore?"

I then proceed to be really not turned on after thinking about that.

See, for me, I've always struggled with what I want sex to be vs. what I thought sex was supposed to be. For about the first five years that I was having sex with males, I had a lot of very unsatisfactory sex and it included a lot of conversations like the one above. It was a sexual routine: I moaned the way that I thought it sounded right to moan and I tried to control my body when I was aroused. I think that my aroused face is stupid looking: it's bright red and squirreled up looking (see also: many of my masturbation videos) and a lot of the time, I was more focused on trying to look good than trying to enjoy myself. That whole period of my sexual history seems very sad to me now. Fortunately, I let go of all that and embraced what turned me on. That meant that dirty talking went away pretty much entirely for a while. I got involved with Rafa, and our sex is best categorized by the word "affectionate."  The things we mutter to each other are intimate communications, gentle and passionate. Our sexuality continues to be that way, and I wouldn't want it any other. That's the beauty of poly: I have the ability to enjoy several different kinds of relationships at once.

When I finally came to embrace the combination of my spanking fetish and my sexuality, a form of dirty talking became incredibly important. The things that are said during a spanking scene are so significant to me. They're arguably as important to me as the actual act itself: a scene which takes place in total silence would need to have a lot of emotional or erotic pretense in order to be enjoyable for me. No, I need to be talked to. "Go to your room." "I'm going to punish you." "You're a naughty little girl." "Pull your panties down, right now." These phrases make me swoon. They make my heart pound and make me blush. The words "spanking" and "spank" are etched into me so deeply, that the sound of them anywhere, in any context makes my mind drop everything else it was thinking about and focus on that set of sounds. That hissing s, popping p, nose crinkling for the n, hard k sound. Other words that sound similar can trigger the same reaction in me. Spark. Banking.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to enjoy talking dirty, if the words that I used to say to the boys I used to sleep with turned them on this way, set forth some uncontrollable beast in their hearts the way that "I'm going to give you a spanking when we get home" does when whispered close to my ear in a public place, every nerve in my body standing at its fullest attention.

I like being told what will happen to me, and I like being reminded of what did happen, even if it just ended five minutes ago. I want to hear it said. I want details. I want the sound of Paul's voice. Really, I could listen to him reading a list of numbers and enjoy it: I love his diction, his intonation. I knew his voice long before I ever heard it in person. I like to hear him say my name, reminding me that all of this is real and not some long fantasy I've been lost in. I want to be told that I'm his, hear words like "own" and "mine" and "belong." I want to feel like he possesses me, and these simple words make that happen instantly.

Sometimes, I enjoy more traditional dirty talk now, if it's in a context of power exchange. When I let go of the sexual pretenses that I had developed in my youth, I discovered a new coyness and almost timid attitude towards my sexual encounters when they're in a D/s context. I became virginal again, unable to even bring myself to say these things aloud. It embarrasses me that someone as experienced as I am can feel this way, and that embarrassment fills me with its own arousal. Being made to ask for things in explicit terms (although not really  horribly "dirty" ones, there's a strict set of words that are and aren't horny for me) has become very, very hot for me. The sound of my own voice, suddenly high with shyness, words having trouble fully forming, breathy and vulnerable, compared to the solid security that I hear in the notes of his represents everything that I feel. ❤︎