Punishment in the Public Eye

In all my years (ok, all three years) of my spanking modeling career, there was one thing which I had never done: a video depicting a real life domestic discipline punishment from someone with whom I had that relationship.

That wording sounds a little specific, and it's meant to be. Nearly all the videos that I do are discipline or punishment themed, but most are obviously roleplayed, creative scenarios. I've done a number of videos in which the thing that I'm being spanked for is something which I really did, but this mentally different than actually being punished for something. In order for a punishment to work, there must be two things in place. First of all, the person being punished must recognize the authority (even if temporary) of the person punishing them, and secondly, the person being punished must be sufficiently vulnerable to allow themselves to feel chastised. Most of the time, if a scenario is punitive, these two things aren't in place.

Now, I specified that I had never done this with someone with whom I was in a real life relationship. I have done one video which was undeniably a real discipline video. It was between Robert Wolf (of Lily Starr Spanking) and myself years ago. Even though Robert and I don't have a normal disciplinary relationship, I consider him to be an "off chart boss of me": he's one of the people whose authority I respect in general, and I'm quite likely to listen to what he says. We're very close friends and we have a relationship based on mutual respect, so I have a lot of trust for him. In this particular situation, I was frustrated with myself, incredibly vulnerable and feeling the need to be punished, so all the key pieces were there. It was a super intense experience, but I only ever felt like it was the right situation to do this the one time. If you're interested, you can get that clip here.

On the subject of Lily Starr and Robert Wolf, they got married the other day. They had a small but wonderful ceremony of mostly vanilla people, but Paul, Amoni and I attended, too, Amoni taking (let me just say gorgeous) photos for them. We had an awesome time, and it was a really special occasion. At one point during the reception, though, I got flustered by all the excitement and ended up saying something really rude to Paul. Since we were in vanilla company, he just gave me a look, but I knew entirely what it meant. I may be frequently naughty: making little bits of mischief, whining, stamping my foot and putting trash in Paul's pocket when we're out and I don't have pockets of my own, but ultimately, I'm still very good. There's a distinct difference between "fun trouble" and "real trouble." I actually had never gotten in trouble for being disrespectful to Paul before. I DO respect him, and I want him to know that. I want to be polite and show him that I appreciate all the love and care that he gives me. I felt immediately distressed by my own behavior, but I put it away and got back to having fun (and soon, cake!) with my friends.

We got home fairly late that night and were all tired from a long day, so Paul told me that he would punish me the next day. We were also planning on filming clips for Kitchen Sink Spanking the next day, and as I went to bed I thought about what we were going to do for it. Kitchen Sink has always meant to be a representation of (if not our real lives) then our real personalities and styles of play. Sometimes the scenarios are goofy and cute and other times the scenes are severe enough to make me really cry and still others are sexy, but none of them had ever brushed on our actual punishment scenes. I came to the conclusion that this was something that I wanted to try doing. I've always felt like discipline was something very private. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about my punishments explicitly online because I don't want to share what I did wrong with everyone. In the past, when I was dating my ex, I felt like I couldn't share my disciplinary scenes because "others wouldn't understand" or they would be judgmental about the harshness involved (I partially felt that because my ex directly told me this, and partially because they actually were overly harsh and lacking in a certain kind of affection). But now that I'm with Paul, my feelings about this are very different. It's "hard enough" and certainly very stern, but the whole proceeding is very loving. There's something special about it. I decided that I felt ready to share this with the internet.

Interestingly enough, I didn't get a chance to bring this up to Paul because he brought it up to me, and we talked about it briefly. One thing that I've always been afraid of when it comes to filming real punishments is that having a camera on would change the way that the actual punishment and aftercare would go, and after talking about it, I felt sure that it wouldn't. We agreed that we would simply do things the way that we would if there wasn't a camera. Since Amoni was here, we asked her if she would want to watch and be in the video and she agreed.

Paul set up the camera and left the room and Amoni and I sat on the bed, talking. This is the only part of the clip that seems a little bit contrived, because I knew that Paul was about to come in and punish me, and I think I probably look nervous, because I was. Soon, he came in and scolded me, inviting Amoni (or "Ami" because "Amoni" doesn't really sound like a name) to watch: since I was rude in front of her, I could be punished in front of her. He was carrying the tawse. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but of all the reasonable implements in the world, this is the one that "gets to me" the most. I have long regarded it as being particularly scary, and because it's an implement that I've primarily only had applied to me by Paul, it also carries a lot of emotional weight. And it really, really hurts. It's heavy and horrible and biting. The design is so simple yet so effective and so unforgiving. I can hardly say the word "tawse" and I feel a little shiver just to type it now.

He directed me over pillows at the edge of the bed and lifted the skirt of my dress. I grabbed Amoni's hand. Then he gave me the first stroke. I felt particularly vulnerable because I was being watched. However, I was more focused on the fact that Amoni was watching me than the camera, so it was probably a good idea that we had her there (I also really appreciated her hand holding). It only took three strokes to make me burst into real, genuine tears. Why? Because it hurt, for one thing, and the strokes were being applied without any warmup. More importantly, though, I felt horrible for my behavior and I knew just how badly I needed to be punished. I was very, very vulnerable. I felt small and young. I also felt a serious sense of security. There's security that comes from knowing that if I mess something up, Paul isn't going to get mad at me or ignore me or push me away. He's going to punish me, hard, because he loves me, and he knows that I can and will do better than this. The whole thing makes me feel very cared for and safe. I can easily let go of my inhibitions and cry myself out, which is exactly what I did. If you watch the video, it might seem like my reactions are a little over the top. That's just the way I am when I'm in this headspace. I feel everything strongly and I react the same. Besides, if I haven't said so before, that horrible thing hurts like nothing else.

By the time we were finished, I was a sobbing mess. Paul sat down on the bed and scooped me up into his lap for cuddling and forgiveness. I continued to cry on his shoulder for quite a while as he assured me that everything was alright and that I was very loved. Honestly, this is the part that I'm happiest to be sharing. I think that the world needs more tenderness in it, especially the spanking world. While I might not feel entirely proud of the way I took the punishment (there's a lot of wailing) I feel very proud to share this special moment created by my vulnerability and his love for me. Really, this is what Domestic Discipline is all about.

I feel very pleased with the final product of the film. It's pretty much the most intimate thing that I've ever done on the internet, and I love how it shows the whole range of emotion that we go through when doing this.

And my marked butt. I enjoy this now that it's over.

Will I do more videos like this in the future? Probably. It honestly felt good to be able to share this. It didn't change the way things went in the least. There's something wonderfully exhibitionistic about it.
I hope that you'll consider checking it out if you're interested. It's now my favorite spanking video that I've ever made. You can see the clip here.