One More Month!

The other day, I was hanging out with one of my friends. We were having a lot of down-time, and every now and then, I’d space out and start daydreaming. After a little while of this, she said:

“Alex, what’s going on? You’re glowing like a pregnant fox!” 

It took me a minute to figure out WTF she meant. Eventually, I figured out that she was making a reference to the film The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

"You're practically...glowing"

So, I didn’t look exactly like that, but there’s no denying the fact that I’ve been very, very happy on a regular basis. There’s a lot of stress, sadness and uncertainty in my life right now, but everything is overwhelmed by a feeling of joy, excitement and mushiness. (No, I’m not pregnant.) 

In just one month, I’ll be starting on the adventure which will bring me to my new home in South Dakota. Moving is inherently stressful. I have a long list of things that I need to get done in the next 31 days. It’s also bittersweet: Los Angeles became a home to me in the past two years that I’ve lived here. I realized that the next Pasadena Roses and Thorns munch will be my last (until I get back to LA for a visit and to do more spanking modeling) and that was a saddening thought. Roses and Thorns was my very first kinky event. I attended it not even a year ago. There, I met awesome people who would become constants in my experience in the community. I also met Princesstoy, one of my best friends in the kink world and out of it, through that munch, and later Epipelagic, Charlie Frown and MaskofNormality: friends who have never failed to bring a smile to my face and an engaging conversation to any setting. 

My experience with Roses and Thorns lead me to step up to the challenge of creating a The Next Generation munch for Pasadena, which later evolved into PTNG: an amazing group of young people who have a ton of fun while educating ourselves about the kink scene. I’m going to miss that group, terribly. I’ll especially miss Maddycake and Sir_Siq, who have been there since the very first munch and who have become a very important, joyful part of my life. I’ll also be missing all the people I’ve met through Threshold, Fet Noir, The Eastside Munch and, especially, Sherman Oaks. I’ve had a few uncomfortable experiences, that’s true, but in general, I love the Los Angeles scene. I will always feel at home there. I’m very thankful to everyone who has made that experience what it’s been for me, and I’m looking forward to spending the next month having as many fun and rewarding interactions with everyone as is humanly possible. I can’t list everyone who has touched me (both emotionally and *ahem* physically) for lack of space, but know this: you are wonderful people, Angelinos. I’m very, very grateful that I got to know you and that I’ll be able to continue to interact with you long distance and on my visits.

The sadness of saying “goodbye”, even if it is not forever, plus the stress of having what seems like hundreds of things to do in the next month seem like they might overwhelm a girl. It’s true: I’ve certainly felt vulnerable. There have been times since the plans were set in motion when I let myself get a little too emotional and abandon some of my rationality, especially when talking about things that could be scary in the future. Still, the majority of my time has been spent with a giant smile on my face. Malignus (my boyfriend and Dominant with whom I am moving in) and I love each other a lot, and we complement each other beautifully. I’ve never desired to share my time and space with someone so strongly. I know it’s mushy, but I’ve talked a lot about the things I wanted but thought I’d never have, and a relationship like the one that the two of us share is at the very top of that list. I'm mostly focused on the excitement of the future.

This is me, being positively unable to stop smiling.

I hadn’t taken the time to talk about the fact that this is going on in my life in this particular venue, and I do feel it’s something worth sharing. I’m downright giddy at the prospect of the two of us being able to share our days. This Summa Cum Laude graduate from a Seven Sisters University is currently spending her days dreaming of making sandwiches, cleaning house and getting spanked on a daily basis. <dreamy sigh.> I’m sure there will be a lot of posts about things relating to this in the future, so I wanted to keep everyone up-to-date. 

=

Tomorrow’s post will return to a serious discussion instead of me just talking about how amazing my life is.  

Sharing it with the 'Nillas

For my entire Spanko Life, I’ve kept my vanilla friends entirely in the dark with regard to my activities. Every once in a while, I mentioned to someone that I was slightly kinky, or sometimes I knew way more information about a subject than people felt I should, but unless someone else spoke first about their involvement in the kink community (or I found out some other way), I kept it to myself. I met a number of spankos in the vanilla world, but only because they dropped the first hint.

One night, shortly before I left to go visit my Dominant, Malignus, for the second time, I had a number of my friends over for a few drinks. I went to bed fairly early, and after I had, one of my female, vanilla friends opened up my computer to check something. In the past, I’d let my friends do this, but I generally checked and made sure that things were closed first. 

Unfortunately, in this case, things were not closed. It was open to my fetlife profile. She’s generally a pretty shy girl, and I would have expected her to feel embarrassed and then close out of the page, but since she’d had a few drinks, she read everything. Then she looked at my photos. Then she looked at Malignus’ page. Then she read some group posts that I’d contributed to. I guess she found it very, very interesting. 

The next day, she woke up feeling extremely guilty for having violated my privacy that way. Her reaction was adorable: she knew, due to her snooping, that I was leaving for a visit that would involve a considerable amount of spanking. So she went to the drug store and bought me some supplies that she thought I might need, as a way of showing me that she supported me and didn’t judge me for my deviant activities. It was maybe the cutest thing that ever happened. I didn’t begrudge her too much for snooping: after all, I only ever entered Spankingland in the first place because of engaging in a similar behavior (but that’s a story for another day). 

This was her "I accept you" gift bag's contents :) 

The things she got me came in handy, by the way. I used up pretty much all of the First Aid Kit in the first couple of weeks I had it, and the hairbrush, while plastic, is ridiculously stingy and tear-inducing. The tears were then dried up with tissues. Finally, no spanko can ever have too many little things of lotion to carry around.

While I was pleasantly surprised by my friend’s adorable reaction to knowing about my private life, it didn’t make me expect that others would react the same way. I’ve heard horrible stories about what happened when people were outed to their families, and I do, from time to time, worry that such a thing might happen. At the same time, I’ve grown more comfortable with the idea of sharing the fact that this part of my life exists with a few of my vanilla friends. 

The night before my first spanking modeling shoot, I was very, very excited. I was signed into Facebook and talking to a few of my guy friends. All three were people I met in my teens and had known for a number of years. None of them, like most of the people in my vanilla life, knew that I was a spanko. I believe that all three of them suspected that I was involved in kink in some way or another, but I had never actually told them anything. I was jittery with excitement and wanted to talk about my shoot, so I decided to let them know. They were good, open minded friends. I felt safe with it. 

All three responded with a total lack of surprise. One confessed that he had seen my skirt flip up to show bruises once when we were at the mall during college. Another told me that he was fond of some light BDSM play himself, and a few days later, he made a fetlife account and friended me. The third told me that he’d been long curious about play with D/s themes and if he ever had the chance, he’d love to explore that side of things with me. I was pretty shocked by my 100 % success rate. Everyone I had “come out” to had basically responded with “Awesome!” 

The other night, I started a conversation about my kink life with one of my long-distance partners. I met her in college and I love her very, very much. I’d never spoken with her about my spanking life very much, though. I was a little scared to: it’s scarier for me when I have a closer relationship with the person I’m confiding in, because if she *did* recoil in horror (which was extremely improbable, but still possible) I had much more to lose. She was very supportive of me, and told me that she had been going to munches and wanted to learn about being a domme. 

I don’t expect this will always be the way, but it does make me feel more comfortable for the future. It also begs the question: is everyone I know secretly at least a little kinky? Am I just attracted to becoming friends with people with a taste for a less than vanilla existence? Do I just have damn good luck? 

My experience with sharing this part of myself with vanilla friends has been really positive. It reinforces to me just how wonderful the people in my life are: the spankos, the kinksters and the vanillas alike. I’m very happy to know the people I do. 

Have any of you shared your kinky side with vanillas in your life? How did they respond? Do you prefer to tell as many people as possible, or to keep it entirely private? 

More Spanko History

Content Warning: While it contains nothing objectionable, this post is a bit sad in places. Still, it's important to me that I get a chance to share things, from the very start, to the present: even the sad parts.

When I was about ten, my life took a turn in a more complicated direction. My home life became unstable and I ended up living in a group home. I stayed there on and off for the next few years. It was an extremely awkward time in my life: I had begun to become aware of all the ways in which I was different than my peers. I had always known that I came from a less stable background than most of the other children I interacted with, but as I had more exposure to other people’s families, I became distressingly more aware of how little my own life conformed to society’s standards. It was during this time that I began to separate the ways in which I was different because of my circumstances: the things and experiences that I was not able to have but other children were, the lack of stability and comfort that I received at home et cetera, and the ways in which I was different because of who I was as a person: the fact that I preferred to read books or daydream than to socialize in groups or play sports and the fact that I wanted to learn everything while other children were satisfied to leave things unexplored. During this early self examination, I discovered two other things about me that I perceived as both inherent to who I was and socially unacceptable: I wanted to think about spanking all the time, and I was more interested in looking sexually at other girls and female celebrities than I was at boys and men. 

At ten, I was beginning to go through puberty, I was at the height of my social vulnerability, and I had been thrust into a situation where many of my peers were older than I was and, due to the difficult backgrounds that tend to land children in places like a group home, many were aggressive, angry and judgmental. Furthermore, I had no privacy whatsoever: I shared a room with five other girls in my age range. I still attended a public school, where I found myself even more of an outcast than I had been before. At “home,” I was an outcast among outcasts: I was constantly teased for my bookish nature and my strange sense of humor. It was during this time that I fell deeply obsessed with video games as a secondary form of escapism, since I no longer had constant access to the library. I did, however, have a Gameboy Pocket and a copy of Pokemon Red. It was the only game I had, but it didn’t matter. It was the only game I needed, and I played the hell out of it. When my Pokemon all reached max level, I started the game over. 

It was during this time that I discovered the book Boy by Roald Dahl. I found it on one of the shelves in my classroom and, as soon as I discovered the content, was afraid for anyone to see me reading it, so I stole it, brought it “home” and hid it under my mattress. I read it in any moment of privacy I could procure, flinging it back into its hiding spot when I heard the door open to the bedroom. For those who are unfamiliar with the book, Boy is Dahl’s autobiography of his childhood years. It is meant to provide the same kind of perspective on the world that most of Dahl’s books offer to children: it presents the world as a place that is full of both wonder and terror and which is dichotomized between people who will do sadistic harm to youth simply because they can and those who will always love and protect children. 

Yeah, I still have it!

That said, it is also a very thinly veiled attack on corporal punishment as practiced in the English Public School system. The text was written and published during a time when the banning of caning in English schools was still a hot-button issue, and Dahl presents the historical tradition on which the practice is based as a series of horrific tortures that he underwent. I am in complete agreement with Dahl’s opinion, although I admit that his text is emotionally manipulative. The caning scenes are the most detailed in the book, and there is one every couple of chapters. They are presented as intentionally sadistic and extremely damaging to the students, who are young, defenseless and terrified of their superiors.

Until Boy, the only text I’d ever seen relating to spanking or corporal punishment was the dictionary definition of “spanking” which I frequently looked up when I could ensure that I was alone. I just ate that book up. I loved it. I was obsessed with it. I eventually got brazen enough to carry it in my book bag, and I would excuse myself from class to read the beating scenes in the bathroom. Boy put a huge spin on my fantasies for a long time. I began to focus on boarding school scenarios rather obsessively, sometimes thinking about them so long and so obsessively that I would be unable to sleep for days on end. With the amount of desire to be spanked that I had and the entire lack of ability to express it, or even gain support about the way I was feeling, my obsession became unhealthy.

After all these years, my Dictionary still opens to page 508.

Boy had another influence on me, though: it dramatically increased the level of shame that I felt for my desires. The situation was made difficult because I did not know that consensual spanking play existed yet. I could only fantasize about the non-consensual, and I knew that spanking children and non consensual corporal punishment were against my morals. Dahl was clearly deeply traumatized by his experiences being caned as a boy, yet I could not stop thinking of them and being filled with a joyful excitement. I believed it was wrong for me to be so obsessed with behavior that had harmed others. I did not want to be part of something hurtful. I felt deeply ashamed of myself for this. Combined with my extreme lack of self confidence and the awkwardness of being among peers who did not accept me, I came to the conclusion that no one could ever know about my spanking fantasies for any reason. If it ever came to light, I resolved to kill myself. 

I know, it sounds pretty silly now, but I felt a dark desperation in my heart. I couldn’t imagine living my life with a desire for something as strong as my longing to be spanked and no way to fulfill it. I had tried to come up with ways that I could receive spankings, but, since I had no knowledge of the kink community, I always came up empty handed. I wanted something dark, seemingly immoral and impossible, and I feared it would consume me. 

Shortly after I “hit bottom” regarding my feelings about myself as a spanko, I met my first girlfriend and began to have my first loving, positive relationship. Although it had nothing to do with spanking, the lessened feeling of internal loneliness and alienation took some of the edge off things, and I was able to tone things down to a healthier level. 

I talk frequently about “celebrating” being a spanko when I engage in play, and that’s extremely important to me. Every time I bare my bottom, I’m preparing for something that is at the very center of my nature. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I want. My Top is a person like me, an insider to my spanking existence, and we’re going to do this now because it is the thing that we want and enjoy and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s pure bliss. Sometimes, when I’m over a lap and getting spanked my mind flashes with the thought: this is real. I wanted something I thought I could never have, and in the end, I found something better than anything I had ever dreamed of. 

Court is in Session!

I apologize for the relatively late hour at which I am making this post: I had a pretty busy day. Specifically, I shot with Spanking Court today, then spent the afternoon with one of my favorite friends from the scene, her Dom, and my vanilla boyfriend, R. Additionally, I'm helping my new roommate get settled in.  All in all, a very nice, but busy, day.


I didn't sleep particularly well last night: I tend to get jittery right before a spanking shoot. There are a lot of variables and unknowns involved in a shoot. When it comes to any kind of gig, I always worry about getting there on time and prepared: especially when working with someone for the first time, I often go over lists of things that need doing in my head rather obsessively when falling asleep the night before the shoot, and I often wake up in the night in a panic, thinking that it is much later than it actually is and that I'm already running late. When dealing with spanking modeling, this pattern of concern gets much stronger. I generally tend to worry that if I'm not on time and perfectly prepared I'm going to get spanked harder :P.


Despite these things, I woke up and got energized early in the morning and made my way over to Hollywood for my shoot. As soon as I met Cali and the rest of the Spanking Court team, I felt at ease. They were a lovely group of people. Everyone was extremely kind, friendly and considerate. They also had a bunch of really good food. That is always a plus. I relaxed and chatted, then got my hair and makeup done and was ready to shoot my first scene.


For those who aren't familiar with Spanking Court (and if you aren't, you should really check it out), it's a site where cases are heard by a judge, who then hands out sentences in the form of either preventative or disciplinary spankings. I really enjoyed all the courtroom mis-en-scene. Their sets were really cool, and it was probably one of the only situations where one can have fun while wearing a orange jumpsuit :P. I never want to tell too much about the plot or details of a video before it is released, but I will share that got spanked three times. The final scene was a particularly long and hard spanking, and it was full of me crying. The type of scenes that I shot today were very natural for me: my character was a good girl who had gotten a bit out of hand and was repentant. That headspace is one of the most common for me in my real-life spanking activity, and, I must say, I rocked it ^_^.


Today was also the first time I was ever restrained for a spanking by anything other than the Top's body (or, in some cases, the force of his will). Honestly, the only time that I even noticed that I was locked in place on the bench was when my hair got in my face and I couldn't reach my hand up to move it! My attitude towards being spanked is generally very passive: I tend to relax into spankings rather than struggle against them.


The Villain, aka the Spanking Court Disciplinarian, was an awesome Top. He had excellent spanking technique and, perhaps more importantly, he created moods and headspaces that worked extremely well for each scene. His character was slightly antagonistic to me in the last scene, and he delivered lines that sent a shiver down my spine in an awesome way. He also broke a full size, wooden paddle of my butt:

Everyone signed the paddle and gave it to me to take home.

It's the largest and meanest implement to meet its demise against my flesh to date. It's also the first "official" spanking implement for me to break: until now, I'd only broken wooden spoons, hairbrushes and some weird plastic thing that I can't exactly remember what it was supposed to be before Malignus started using it for spanking.


Speaking of butts that are known for breaking implements, I'm incredibly sad to announce that I did not get to meet Erica Scott today. She shot with Spanking Court later in the day than I did. It was my original intention to stay and hang out while others were shooting so that I could finally get a chance to meet her, but for various reasons, that wasn't possible today. That was the only low point in my day, but I'm sure I'll get a chance to meet up with her eventually.

I'm planning on shooting with Spanking Court again in the future, because I had such a wonderful time. I'm not sure when the content from today will be available on the site, but I'll keep you posted ^_^.