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Sunday, July 22, 2012

Drink me.

I'm going to get a bit personal here, for a moment, and talk about things that I normally keep to myself. 

At 5'8", I'm of fairly average height for a woman. I'm not particularly tall. At a 150 pounds and a dress size eight, I'm really quite average all around. 

I've never felt like it, though. I've always felt like this: 

Maybe it comes from the fact that I was told by doctors that I would likely grow up to be over 6' tall, and I began intentionally stunting my growth for fear of that when I was just a little girl. Maybe it's the fact that I was taller than my mother by the time that I was ten, and that I reached my current height before I entered middle school. Maybe it's the fact that one of my childhood best friends was so tiny that in third grade, our teacher couldn't see her over the desk and thought that she was absent on the first day. Maybe it was that I grew up in a small house with low ceilings and tiny rooms that gave me a sense of claustrophobia. Whatever it is, I never, ever wanted to grow. I always felt that I was too big. 

I've done various things to make myself seem smaller-- I wear lots of vertical stripes and clothing which is cropped in a way that shortens a person, I choose prints and patterns which are cute, dainty and diminutive, I slouch as much as I can possibly get away with (which I was doing fairly well for myself with, I felt, until Malignus decided that I needed to improve my posture) and I'm never seen wearing heels. I did bring a pair with me to TASSP, and it was the first time that I wore heels in as long as I can remember, certainly at least a year. 

There was one thing which I always took comfort in, sort of an adage that I'd come to love: "All girls are the same height when they're over a lap." I really, truly believed in this, and it did wonders for me. While being spanked OTK, no matter by whom, I felt truly small. I don't mean that I felt "little" or that I felt "young." I felt like a small thing, and it was an absolutely beautiful feeling. 

Recently, I was talking to one of my Tops about these feelings, and about how badly I wanted to have a smaller body, and I said "At least I can take comfort in the fact that when I'm over your lap, you can't tell!" 
"Well, you know that's not actually, true, right Alex?" he asked. I shook my head. I thoroughly believed that it was true. "I can still tell how far you stretch out to, and your center of gravity is still in the wrong place." 

I never believed in Santa, or in the Easter Bunny, or any of that stuff, and I originally didn't believe in God, then forced myself to, so when I stopped believing, it wasn't painful. As a result, this was the first time in my life that I really experienced having something which had previously been rather sacred to me taken away. 

You're sure? I'm still too big? 

I still haven't recovered from it, entirely. It never mattered to me what my size was compared to the person spanking me, but suddenly, it's become something which is on my mind. 
I know I'll get over it. I know I'll let go and stop worrying and let myself feel safe and good while being spanked. I'm just still a little heart broken. 

The day that I had that conversation, I called my doctor friend and my scientist friend and asked them if there was a way that I could be shrunk. When they promised me that there was no safe way, I started doing research on my own, JUST IN CASE. 

I know that I'm just going to have to find a way to accept myself. 

For a while now, I've been dating a boy here in Sioux Falls. He's clever and funny, he gets my sense of humor, and on our first date, we spent most of the time discussing Hume's empiricism. He's also 6'5" and extremely strong because he does physical work. For the first time since I was a teenager, I felt small beside him. I could put my hand up to his and feel like I had little, tiny fingers. He could pull me down with the tiniest of efforts on his part. We were just "getting there" romantically, but I had high hopes for it. See, I don't need all of my relationships to satisfy every part of me. That would be very against the point of Polyamory for me. I was hoping that if I had, for the first time since I was a girl, someone who made me feel small sometimes around, then I would get over the complex that I'm big in general. I imagined that having someone who made me feel small would make it so that I never felt "too big." I thought that it would make me alright with my body.

Sorry, not happening!

Anyway, it doesn't matter what I imagined might happen, because he met someone with whom he wants to have a monogamous relationship, so we won't be seeing each other anymore. 

I realized tonight, that this may actually be a good thing. There are no "drink me" bottles floating around, and I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life. The truth of the matter is, I don't need someone else to make me feel good about myself. I have to rock what I've got and be truly confident in myself in order to be happy and successful. The way that I look or appear to others or seem next to them shouldn't influence the way that I feel. 

The truth of the matter is that I'm the only one who thinks that I'm so large that I take up the entire room and I've got my head on the ceiling, but as long as I'm seeing myself this way and acting like that, people *are* going to see that I'm not fully comfortable with myself. 

So, I'm going to be alright with myself, no matter where my center of gravity is. 
I'm not going to surround myself with environments that make me feel better about myself. I'm going to feel okay with myself.

I'm not entirely sure *how* I'm going to get there, but I know that I will, because I am nothing if not determined. 


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I was nodding vigorously through the whole post. First, let me say, you are absolutely beautiful. It actually surprises me a bit that your appearance is something you struggle with because you come across as so cute and photogenic and confident. So maybe the insecurities in your head aren't as apparent to others as you think they are.

    Being a 6 foot tall woman, I SO understand a lot of what you expressed here. Feeling like I'm abnormally large has made me self conscious my entire life, from always being a head or two taller than all the other kids in school 20 years ago, to being painfully aware that the average man in America is several inches shorter than me and maybe I should move to Germany if I ever want to date. Or wherever the giants live. ;-)

    I know it's a much bigger deal to me than it is to other people because I'll get comments varying from "Just get over it, you can't do anything to change it" to "You could be a model! I wish I was that tall!" Well we all want what we can't have, don't we?

    Vertical stripes, that's an interesting tip. I'll have to try that one. ;-) I learned that slouching just makes me look worse and like, well, a tall person slouching. Didn't really make me shrink. At least once a week at work, where I have a desk job, when I have to get up to grab something for a customer I'll get the "Wow, I didn't realize you were so tall before!" Yes I am. Would you like to put me in a zoo and take pictures? Geez. People's idiotic comments just make me that much more self conscious about it.

    I was nervous and scared about a lot of things when I found the adult spanking world online. One of the biggest worries on my mind was exactly what you mentioned about being OTK. I thought "Everyone hypes up the whole OTK thing. What if I'm too big to be able to go over someone's lap? Am I not going to get to have the full spanking experience?"

    Fortunately, I found that it is usually not a problem. Of course when I play with a woman who is 5'2'', it's just not going to work so other positions are used. But I've laid across the laps of various people 5'7'' and up without much of a problem. I remember one of the first tops I played with was about 6'2''. I was over his lap, waiting for the spanking to start, and he could feel how tense I was. He said "Don't worry, I'm able to support your body. Just relax." He hasn't dropped me yet. ;-)

    Sorry this comment is turning into a whole post of it's own! Lol. My main point is I totally feel for you and you are not the only one out there who struggles with this. I wish I had the answer to self acceptance but it's not something I've mastered myself yet either. If you figure it out, please let me know. ;-)

    1. Thanks for your comment: I appreciate the length of the dialoge that you engaged in. I really like having posts that turn into discussions and having people contribute like this. So, thanks for that!
      It really helps me to hear that other people feel the same way that I do. I'm much less alone in the world, and that's always a good thing!

  2. For what it's worth, I've always gotten great pleasure out of spanking people taller than me-- and the majority of my sessions have been that way (I'm 5'6). My experience has been very different from your friend's, so far as the balance of gravity goes. Everyone does feel small over my lap, and I love that. I feel like I get to access a secret side of people, both emotionally *and* physically.

    I hope that you do continue to grow in your self-loving journey. But I hope you also regain the sensation of feeling physically little when you're horizontal, if that's something you crave.

    1. Hi there,
      Sorry I didn't respond to your comment right away. That's one of the responsibilities that kind of got away from me recently.

      I'd love to find people to play with who have the same feeling towards size that you expressed. I know that the opinion my friend gave me isn't universal. I've found that the feeling of being a small size has more to do with the atmosphere of the spanking and the positioning than my size relative to the spanker, after experimenting with this quite a bit at Crimson Moon and doing rigorous science with lots of Tops. :P

      When I'm spanked over a lap, I feel small and I feel able to let go of my bodily perceptions much more. Lying flat on a bed is second best, bent over something sturdy and comfortable is next, standing or in a precarious position is simply not enjoyable to me and makes me feel both large and lost.

      I'm going to keep working on my feelings about size in general and, as you said, continuing in my self-loving journey.
      Thank you!

  3. Que Sera Sera!

    Cut you a deal. I'm 5', you're 5'8, just give me 4 inches and problem solved! :)

    If only it was that easy, right?

    ~Thursday K

    1. I totally wish! We'd both be totally set! :)
      *hugs for you and Slinky and the gang*

  4. I've never seen anything but a beautiful woman every time I look at you... ;-)

    1. Thank you! That makes me feel really good. I hope we get to meet up someday!

  5. Alex you are a lovely girl ,please dont worry ,love and spanks,Timxx