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This blog contains adult material, including depictions and descriptions of nudity, consensual BDSM play and sexuality.
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Monday, January 23, 2012

The Nature of the Beast

Note- This post is kind of mushy and self-serving. I'm okay with this.

As I've mentioned before, I can't remember a time before I was obsessed with spanking. It was always there in the back of my mind and it felt like some sort of strange defect in me. There were times when I felt like it would ruin me. There were times when I felt like I needed to be institutionalized because of it. There were times when I wanted to kill myself over it. Dramatic much?

Now that I've met the most amazing man, made some of the best friends I've ever had and been part of one of the most positive communities I've ever been involved in because of spanking, it seems pretty stupid. I've talked before about my anxiety, but to most, I think I seem pretty well adjusted about my life in Spankingland. And I am. I love it. It's a source of positivity, joy, happiness, growth and relief.

That said, I must confess to feeling something that I know many other spankos either feel or have felt: shame.

Shame was a corner-stone of my upbringing. The Christian environment in which I was raised taught me that there was a particular way that God made humans and that deviation from that norm was sinful and shameful. My early rational mind believed that things should make sense. If something didn't make sense, there was probably something wrong with it. Unfortunately, my obsession with spanking didn't fit the way that I believed I was meant to perceive a "normal," godly individual, nor did it make any sense. 

I got over the God part. I rebelled against the idea of the social norm and preferred to simply be myself. I came to enjoy being a blatant and unabashed sinner. Still, I want to live in a world which makes sense. I want to understand the origins of my actions. I want to know who I am and why. When something is veiled from me, I become angry and frustrated. I taught myself never to accept "just because" as an answer to things. I want to know why I'm like this. I want to know what made me this way. Is it genetic? Is one of my parents secretly a spanko? Is it something I was exposed to when I was very young and before I had the ability to retain memories? Is it entirely without reason, some random fluke? I've long believed that knowing why I ended up a spanko would make being one easier for me.

The truth is, I can't know why, and knowing why wouldn't be useful to me anyway. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't make anything that feels wrong feel right. I, however, can do those things without any answers being required.

The origin of my affliction may be unknown, but the nature of the beast is not. 

I'm a spanko. I like to be spanked. I like baring my bottom and lying over a lap. I like the feeling of being bare and vulnerable. I like the spanking itself. Even when it's horrible, even when it's with an implement I hate, even when I struggle and have a hard time lying still. I like to be spanked until I cry. I like to have my thighs spanked. I like the feeling of submission, of giving up my will. I like to be spanked for fun. I like to laugh during a spanking. I like having someone in my life who will give me disciplinary spankings when I am not my best. I like having an opportunity to grow. I like being corrected. I like being put in the corner. It makes me feel safe and contemplative. I like being put there with my bottom bare after a spanking to remain in the feeling of vulnerability, gather my thoughts and get the most that I can from the experience. I like getting spanked with my female friends. I like being comforted after a spanking, a gentle hand rubbing my back or my sore bottom. I like waking up and still feeling sore from the night before. I like learning about myself as a submissive and striving to be better. I like being rewarded with a hard spanking that brings me to happy tears when I've done an excellent job. I like getting a hard smack on my thigh or bottom at random, just because he feels like it. I like being a vessel for sadism. I like spankings that relieve my stress. I like spankings that make me feel loved. I like spankings that hurt terribly. I like spankings that don't hurt quite as much. 

I've found a way to be happy with who I am. It doesn't matter why I am the person that I am. It only matters that I admit it and that I am going to force myself to stop feeling ashamed. Because you know what? You're here, too. You like it, too. You wouldn't be here, reading this, if you didn't like spanking: giving it, getting it, watching it, thinking about it. Whatever. There's a part of it that you like. That's okay. Maybe you were born with it, like me. Maybe this is the first time that spanking has ever crossed your mind. Maybe you've got some other kink, or you're mainly a BDSM person, and you're interested in spanking. I won't judge you. I won't judge myself, either. And if someone DOES know, if someone DOES have the ability to read my mind when I'm thinking about spanking in the grocery store, if someone IS mentioning it in vanilla conversation because they suspect something about me, then oh, well. There's nothing I can do about that. It's certainly not the worst thing in the world. If people don't like me for it, then there's nothing I can do about that, either. It won't be any different than the friends I lost for having a girlfriend. I'm not going to throw it anyone's face, but I don't see the point in being so afraid anymore. 

Really, I have nothing to be afraid of. Except the cane. And the lexan. Aaaaaaaaaaand pretty much anything on my thighs. ;)

12 comments:

  1. Wow Alex! Excellent articulation of what many of us feel.

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  2. I always like reading these.

    I can relate really strongly with the shame, especially with the Christian background and everything. It takes a lot to get over it, and sometimes it will just come up randomly without warning.

    But hey. Option 1: Worth it. Option 2: Totally worth it. =)

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Sam! I miss you. :)

      I agree: totally worth it!

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  3. I know why I like a lot of the different things about it, but I've never figured out that "why" of the origin either. One could drive themselves crazy thinking about it. As long as you know what you want and don't want and have means to get it, more power to you!

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    1. Thanks, Lea!

      You're right: it isn't worth driving myself crazy over. Self acceptance seems like a better plan. :P

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  4. Excellent post Alex. You're not alone on this one at all. And that's from tops as well as bottoms. Very well written.

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad I'm in good company. :)

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  5. I agree with BV in that you are NOT alone. It is MY belief that my grandfather ( a minister of conservative Christian faith) could have been defined as a spanko!! I don't believe for one moment that MY conservative Christian faith PROHIBITS me from being the way that I am!! I honestly believe that GOD couldn't care less about this element of my sexuality!! Only man and his beliefs MIGHT frown upon upon my spankoness, and frankly, I couldn't care LESS!!! Just ENJOY this special element of life without shame or concern!!

    Bob.

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    1. I'm happy that you're able to combine your beliefs and spankoness! The particular church that I grew up in wasn't particularly accepting nor did it lend itself to free thinking, and that was very burdening to my early life. Thankfully, I've moved on since then and I'm become very comfortable with who I am. :D

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  6. I've long given up on why I'm a spanko. I've tried several psychologial explanations and I can't come up with any. I wasn't really hit as a kid, didn't grow up in a repressive envrionment. Pretty normal parents, in the scheme of things. No real childhood or teenage trauma. There's just something about spanking a woman's bottom that turns me on. And, like you, I've been thinking about it since I was very young. Who can explain these things? I've learned to just enjoy it.

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    1. That's the place that I'm getting to, too. Thanks for commenting and sharing!

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