Good bye, 2012!

2012 was a year in which a lot of things happened. In all, it was a good year, although it certainly had parts that were difficult and not enjoyable. That said, the good certainly outweighed the bad. I'm going to take a minute to reminisce about all the relevant things which happened, going month by month:

January

January in South Dakota was cold and bitter and it involved a lot of me staying indoors and playing Zelda, which, after considerable effort and lots of me getting hit with a cane, I beat it! I got lots of spankings and other enjoyable violence that night, including this lovely memory:

Malignus decided that he wanted to hit me on the thigh AGAIN and that this time, he wanted me to bring him the aforementioned spoon. I was hesitant to do so, but did not protest. Again, I bared my thigh, and this time I buried my face in a pillow. The pain of it made my head explode, pretty much. He hit me more than once, and I found myself rolling around and freaking out. I became so not concerned with my surroundings that I hit my head into the wall a bit, but I didn't even care. Somehow, I found myself curled up in Malignus' lap sobbing while he comforted me and reminded me that he loved me and that I'm a very good girl. I know it sounds horrible, and it was, but at the same time, I loved it. I loved how happy indulging his sadism made him. I love being pushed that far. I loved that I had (mostly) accepted something that I hate. Lying there while I regained my calm, I found myself in this sort of otherworldly state of comfort-- entirely spent, but the vacant space where all the fight in me had been was filled with a warm and enjoyable sense of comfort.


My blog post about defeating it was the first time that I got a post included on Chross, which was full of excitement for me. In terms of blogging, I had a good month for other reasons as well. I posted a lot and wrote two posts that remain popular to this day: the post which WYO refers to as "Ass Care" and my post explaining my various motivations for crying from a spanking. I also stirred up a bit of controversy by complaining about the kind of comments which I hate. This post resulted in me actually losing a friend, which is kind of pathetic, if you ask me.

February

In February, my blog was named Blog of the Month at The Spanking Bloggers Network, of which I was very proud. I also got my driver's license and became a real adult. :P Malignus and I had our first Valentine's Day together as a couple and I got spanked lots and lots. Near the end of the month, I went to my first spanking related get together: a cabin party in Indiana. During this party, I met lots of people who would go on to become extremely important in my life for the first time: Ten, Drlectr, ellee and YS are at the top of that list. One of the nice things about blogging is having a documented record of events, so when something later turns out to have been a significant moment, I can look back at what I wrote about it at the time. Here's the story of the first time YS spanked me:


We then went back up to the house and ellee and I got to work on our coloring. This was interrupted by YS giving ellee a strapping, and later, by him doing the same to me for the first time. Getting spanked by him was pretty exciting. It's rare that I meet someone whose Dominance I immediately want to respect, but I felt that way about YS. I felt like calling him "Sir" almost immediately, making him only the fourth person I've habitually used an honorific with, ever. When I got in position for him to spank me, he told me to ask for it (I'd just seen the way that ellee had done this). In most circumstances, when someone other than Malignus gives me an order (outside of things we'd discussed for a scene) I get all scrunchy faced. I might even respond with "don't you fucking tell me what to goddamn do!" But when YS told me to ask for my spanking, I didn't even hesitate before saying "Please spank me, Sir." It's rare but lovely to find someone whose Dominance inspires me, and it made playing with him very enjoyable. He spanked me quite hard with a London Tanners' strap. It was lovely.



Also at this party, Malignus uprooted a small tree and hit me with it. I also got hit with a Sjambok for the first time and lived to tell the tale.

March

In March, Heather came back to South Dakota to stay with us for a few more months and it was wonderful. It was also in this month that we received a sjambok of our very own and I was very stupid and got myself into a bunch of trouble of the day that it arrived. Near the end of the month, I headed to Los Angeles for my first visit since moving and shot with a couple of spanking video companies.


April

My trip to Los Angeles bridged into April and I really enjoyed the rest of it. After that, April was a pretty slow month for me. I had some health issues and took considerable downtime.


May

In May, I traveled to California again to shoot for Sternwood Academy Volume 1. It was an adventure full of epic win, and one of the best times I've ever had on a shoot. I got to meet awesome people there like Ela Darling and Cheyenne Jewel (Pictured above with me and Heather). Later that month, Heather left to go to Texas with her boyfriend who had returned from Korea. It was a sad time, and it took a lot of adjusting to not having her around.


June

The major highlight of June was the Texas All State Spanking Party, which Malignus and I attended. This was both of our first national spanking party, and we had an amazing time. During this party I first "got together" with Drlectr and Ten, although I was somewhat shy about this and didn't blog about it at the time. I also got to meet Pandora Blake and Amelia Jane Rutherford for the first time at this party, and that was really wonderful. I can't wait to see them again when I go to England next year. I participated in my first "Naughty Schoolgirl Party" at TASSP, described here:

First, we had to line up to have our skirts measured by Dana Spect. The skirt I was wearing was a real school skirt, and it came down nearly to my knees, unlike many of the sexy skirts other girls had on. After holding a ruler up to me, Dana lead me to the front of the room and announced that I was an example of a good girl and that my skirt was what the other girls should aim to look like. I was beaming with pride. Praised in front of everyone? Yes please!

I did quickly realize that being a goody-goody-Hermione-Granger type wasn't going to get me very much attention with everyone else throwing pieces of paper, launching darts and sneaking beer into the classroom, though, so I figured I had to do something at least a little naughty at a naughty school girl party. I had a package of Fun Dip in my purse which Malignus had won for me the last time we'd gone to the arcade together, so we started eating that very obviously while we were supposed to be learning. Heather, Zoe and I were quickly pulled aside and given OTK spankings and warned not to eat any more candy in class. It was the first time I've ever been spanked in front of a live audience before, since a group of other guests were gathered in the back of the room watching the proceedings. I kept myself in the "performer" part of my brain that I use when doing videos and made sure to kick and squirm! It was lots of fun.


On a much less enjoyable note, June was also the month during which I was outed to my family of origin, something which created a struggle which is still somewhat in effect now, although things are much better than they were.

That's the first six months! To make this post more manageable, the second half of the year will be described tomorrow.

Post Christmas Catch Up

Well, Christmas happened and it was great.

It sort of snuck up on me because I had been so focused on Malignus' birthday, since Christmas happens every year, but he only got to turn 30 once.

I had tossed the idea around of doing some Christmas themed photos for about a week before the holiday, but I ended up putting it off and ending up only taking a few in the poor, winter lighting on Christmas eve:

The "Spank Me" panties in the bottom left frame were a gift from the wonderful people at Paddles and Panties and the socks in the bottom right came from Heather W. and are the best socks ever.

I got lots of really nice presents from people both in the scene and in my vanilla life, which I shall not brag about because that's just unseemly. I will, however, brag about one thing: Malignus got me a KitchenAid mixer.

I've wanted one of these since I was twelve years old and I first started to daydream about having a home of my own. I've been so fond of them that I've HUGGED Epipelagic and LilLawBrat's mixers when I saw them. Now I have my own. I'm using it for the first time tonight, and I'm incredibly excited. It was pretty much the greatest gift! :D

Due to the emphasis on family and on rekindling old bonds, Christmas tends to be a fairly vanilla time. Malignus did give me a very lovely spanking before bed that night, though. It was one of those nice, affectionate spankings which leave me feeling extremely loved. He gave me a long, gradually building warmup with his hand before moving on to spank me with some member of the Turner Family (that is to say, the collection of wooden turners/spoons, all of which have human names). This also started out more gently, but progressed to being fairly hard. After he finished with this, he returned to spanking me with his hand in a gradual decrescendo, which brought me from a little squirmy to very relaxed and snuggly feeling.  I was so ready to go to sleep after the spanking that I nearly forgot to collect my post-spanking hug, which is pretty unheard of for me. Once I was reminded of this, I felt slightly embarrassed (who forgets hugs time?!) but I enjoyed the affection which followed. We said "Merry Christmas" to each other and then I fell promptly to sleep. It was the perfect end to a wonderful holiday. :)

Now that Christmas has been over for a couple of days, I really should have gotten caught up on blogging already. It would have been the perfect thing to do yesterday. Unfortunately, I've falled into a bit of a slump recently. This is largely caused by the fact that I hate winter. Christmas aside, I hate everything about winter. Now that Christmas is aside, well, I'm just left with snow, ice, dangerously slippery roads, fewer daylight hours and awful, bitter cold. In college, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but the treatment for that involved me having to wake up at 6 AM and sit under an excessively bright light in the Health Services Office for an hour before my first class, which just served to make me grumpier than I already was, so I didn't continue the practice. Recently, I've been struggling against both crankiness and laziness. I've managed to keep up with my chores and such things, but I haven't been feeling particularly spunky. In fact, I feel more like this:

I promise to get myself more motivated for a more noteworthy post tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm off to spend some time with Malignus.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Search Term Q and A: Part II

I recently did a post in which I went through the search terms which had lead people to my blog and pulled out those which were in the form of questions and then answered them. Upon recent inspection, this has lead to many more questions being asked me. I've decided to keep doing this. I find this fun. This is almost like formspring!

Can an adult punishment spanking produce tears?

Yes, it absolutely can. Will it? Not necessarily. Many people, however, even those who don't often cry from spankings in other atmosphere, find that disciplinary spankings bring them to tears. I pretty much always cry if I'm being disciplined, even if it's not with a spanking. I hate the feeling of being in trouble!


Can a mermaid be spanked?

If a mermaid was real, I'm certain she could be. It would just have to be above the surface, since I know from experience that it's nearly impossible to spank underwater! :)


Can you spank yourself with a sjambok?

I think that a sjambok is probably the worst self spanking implement possible. It's too long and rigid to actually properly reach your bottom with it. A very flexible leather implement such as a well worn belt might work, but hand held items like wooden spoons and hairbrushes are pretty much the best for self spanking, at least the way I've done it.

Do lexan paddles cause permanent harm?

Any implement can cause permanent harm if used improperly. A lexan paddle, at least a thick one, is very heavy and therefore carries a greater risk of injury than a lighter implement. It isn't something I'd recommend a novice Top experiment with, and it's not something to go into fearfully for the bottom. If you're worried enough about it to google it, you should probably pass on it. There are plenty of other implements out there.


Do you feel more feminine after a spanking? 

It's not something I've ever thought about before, but I suppose I do in a certain way. I do feel very aware of my femininity when I'm having my skirt lifted up and my panties pulled down, and I like feeling like a domesticated woman, which spankings of a certain style lead me to feel. It isn't the thing I'd ask for if I felt a need to be feminine, though. In that case, I'm more likely to put on a fancy dress and do my hair and makeup. :)


How much do spanking models get paid?

That depends on a lot of variables and is pretty unique from situation to situation. It's not something that I discuss outwardly, as a general rule.


How do I accept a spanking?

I'm not entirely sure what this question means, but I think that it could be a request for advice on how to take a spanking well. For me, the answer to this comes from being passive, relaxing my body and giving up my willful feelings against the spanking. That's what leads me to feeling like I've "accepted" a spanking instead of just had it happen to me. :)


How do I get my bottom spanked?

If you're eighteen years old or older, I'd recommend checking out Spankfinder or Fetlife for Tops in your area, or consider going to a spanking party like Boardwalk Badness Weekend, Crimson Moon, Florida Moonshine or Shadowlane (to name a few!). There are also smaller spanking themed parties in many cities that just last for an evening but are still lots of fun. You can also try contacting a professional Top in or visiting your area if you're having trouble getting exactly what you want.


How do I soothe a spanked bottom? 

Ice. Lotion. Gentle rubbing. Sometimes, softer hand-spanking can help, too. If the pain is really severe, such as if it's keeping you from falling asleep at night or waking you up when you roll over, I recommend taking some ibuprofen. 


What are ways to make myself cry from a spanking?

The best way to make yourself cry is to focus on feeling vulnerable. I find it effective to just force myself to think about the position that I'm in and keep my mind on that. Malignus will sometimes lead me to this state by telling me to think about the fact that my bottom is bare and I am going to be spanked, or by stopping a spanking partway through and telling me to think about how much it has hurt so far. I also find that not reacting verbally for the beginning of the spanking and letting that build in my chest often brings me to actually crying instead of just wailing and yelping when I do start to react. Really, though, it's all about being able to be vulnerable with your Top. Having that safety and trust can go a long, long way.


What should I put on my spanked bottom?

The lotion that I prefer is St. Ives with Colagen Elastin, but Lubriderm is also excellent. I've recently been using creams that are meant to get rid of callouses on feet, also, but not immediately after a spanking. They usually include some level of menthol, though, and I think that many people would find that to feel good on a spanked bottom. I personally don't like to use anything that will get rid of too much of the sting, as I like feeling well spanked for as long as possible afterwards.


Why does your butt get hot when spanked?

Because more blood runs to the effected area. If a cold blooded humanoid was spanked (and, you know, if that was real), she would not experience this same sensation. Your body temperature is not actually affected by a spanking.


Why do spankings hurt?

Because you are getting hit, duh.

More scientifically speaking, the nociceptors in the buttocks receive the signal that there is damage and send this to the brain in the form of physical pain. The reason that spanking with certain implements like canes have a superficial pain at first and then a much stronger pain a few seconds after impact is because a second set of nociceptors are present deeper in the the tissues and are in place to detect injury there. It takes longer for these signals to get the brain in the form of pain.
I learned this stuff from Malignus, so I hope I remembered it properly. :)


Will arnica make my spanked butt heal faster? 

In my experience, no, it doesn't really do anything. A lot of people swear by it, though, but I've never seen an improvement in my bruises after using it.

More Surprises!

Bwahahaha.
Remember last post, when I said that PTL couldn't come visit because of her responsible adult life?
I lied!

Originally, all the girls were supposed to come on the same weekend, but due to some complications relating to which weekend is the "weekend before Malignus' birthday" (the one before his birthday, or the one which includes his birthday) we ended up with ellee and PTL taking different days off from work. In the end, we decided to just split it and have ellee on one weekend and PTL on another. I purchased Heather's tickets for the same weekend as ellee was visiting because they were less expensive at that time. Once that was all settled, we got to work at something that this whole "surprise" ordeal has made us all very good at: the lying.

We had a perfectly good reason why she couldn't be here, so we cooked up a few more details and then secretly text messaged each other back and forth, being extremely giddy about how exciting it would be when she finally *did* arrive.

On Thursday night, I was antsy about the coming excitement and felt extra energetic as we were hanging out and watching TV. I had trouble sleeping when my bedtime arrived, and I kept waking up excitedly. It didn't help that earlier that evening an entire freaking CHRISTMAS TREE had arrived from none other than PTL:

FUCK YES, CHRISTMAS!

On Friday, I got up and finished picking up the house from my previous guests and resetting things to "guest standards." PTL had messaged me to let me know that she had landed, but that her bag was delayed, so I gathered up a bunch of travel sized toiletries for her. Once all that was done, I got into the bath to relax a bit. I was still all wet and naked with a mask on my face when I got the text that read "I'm downstairs!" She found my apartment and I came to the door in a towel. I'm classy like that. She then got to have the pleasure of watching me dress and get ready before we headed off.

I'd set up a dinner with Malignus in town that evening, telling him that I wanted to have a casual and relaxed meal together before his actual birthday. When we got there, we explained to the hostest that we were actually a party of three but would only need two place settings now, as PTL was going to hide in the bathroom until Malignus arrived. The waitstaff was all very understanding. I sat and waited while she hid. Eight minutes later, I texted her to let her know he'd arrived. A minute or so after we got seated, she casually walked out of the bathroom and sat down next to him. "Hey, what's good here?" she asked.

He had no idea she was coming. It was perfect. 

We had an awesome dinner, then went and watched a movie all together. Afterwards, we came home and got pretty directly to the hitting with things. PTL got some pretty beautiful looking Twizzling:

The marks that they leave are so unique and kind of amazing. They are raised and braided and painful.

There were also thigh turkeys for both of us:

PTL (on the left) and me with smacked thighs and matching underpants :D The reason my left leg looks less red is because PTL is the one who hit me there, not Malignus. :P

We had lots of fun, relaxed and painful times, including a revisiting of all the implements that I mentioned regarding ellee and Heather's visit. I also got rapped on the knuckles with the Twizzler. Candy coated agony. :)

When 12:12 AM arrived, it was officially Malignus' birthday, as he was born at 1:12 AM, EST. He then proceded to give each of us 30 cane strokes. They weren't particularly hard, but there are never friendly cane strokes. A little while after, I looked like this:

Unfortunately, that mischievous scamp Beth Eisley heard about the dates mix up, decided that it was all my fault and began to insist that I needed to be "beaten within an inch of my life" because of it. When we got on Skype with her after the birthday caning, she began insisting this fairly heavily. Fortunately for me, Malignus doesn't do what anyone tells him to. Instead, Beth got "Alex getting hurt denial."

Eventually, Malignus got very excessively sleepy and we signed off for the night and all went to bed. It was a happy, happy night. :)

This morning, PTL and I made a birthday breakfast while listening to Christmas music. I received and opened some lovely Christmas gifts from vanilla sources, and I'm now wearing fuzzy pajama pants with adorable bears on them. Unfortunately, my physical birthday gift for Malignus didn't arrive in time, but PTL bought him Portal and Portal II as his gift, so they've been playing them all day.

Aparently, Malignus euthanized his Companion Cube more quickly than any other test subject on record. No one was surprised. :)

♥

SURPRISE!

On Saturday morning, I woke up with anxious excitement. I casually cleaned some things up, although I was distracted. I kept my phone in hand no matter what I was doing, and made careful observation of the time. I had told Malignus that on this day, he'd be getting his birthday surprise, and I know that he was aware that this was the cause of my vigilance. Still, I tried to be as relaxed as possible, and I paced myself as I killed time.  Finally, I decided to take a shower and get dressed. After that, I figured I might as well throw some makeup on-- I wear makeup about half the time, and while I hadn't originally been planning on it, my skin was a bit broken out and, more importantly, doing that would take up more time. I was halfway through doing so when I got a call. ellee had arrived.

Unbeknownst to Malignus, ellee, PTL, Heather Green and I had been planning the greatest surprise that I'd ever planned for someone. We'd been working on it since October, and after many ups and downs, things were finally coming to fruition. The original plan had involved having all three girls secretly travel to Sioux Falls to visit, but PTL had to drop out due to the constraints of her responsible, adult life.  Planning this had been incredibly difficult, mostly because I'm not used to having anything going on in my life which I'm not discussing with Malignus. It involved a lot of sneaking around, which I'm not used to. I had to start taking phone calls outside to discuss logistics, and that meant being cold a lot. Not being able to get PTL out was a big blow, and I couldn't explain why I was disappointed that evening. Both Heather and ellee got sick right before they needed to travel, and I couldn't explain why I was so nervous when that happened. Heather's flight time changed, and the plan regarding picking the girls up from the airport in Omaha (which is a much more economical airport to fly into than Sioux Falls, but is three hours away) got very screwed up and I had to figure something else out while walking around the neighborhood in the cold at 10 PM talking on the phone. But most days, I just felt like I had an overly excited bird in my chest whenever I thought about things. I'd never been so happy to do something for someone else in my life. I kept losing sleep due to this excitement. I grew paranoid that I would accidentally do something which ruined the surprise, and I very nearly did once. But finally, the time had arrived. ellee had landed earlier that afternoon and rented a car. She had finished driving to our apartment and was in the parking lot.

I got my shoes and coat on and ran down to see her. We had a lot of hugging and bouncing with excitement, and then got her things out of the car and prepared to go in. We finally came in and announced the surprise. Malignus didn't respond in a way which suggested that he was startled or anything. He just had his most happy face on. He and ellee hugged for a long time, and then I gave ellee a tour of my apartment, as it was her first time visiting, and I introduced her to my guinea piggies, Tesla and Newton. After we finished with that, ellee went to get changed and Malignus gave me a big hug while he thanked me for this. He was clearly super happy, and he didn't know that he had only gotten half of the surprise. :D

Meanwhile, Heather was on her flight to Omaha, and would be arriving in a few hours. Because she is not of the legal age to rent a car without having to pay an incredible amount of money, I needed to go pick her up. I told Malignus that I wanted him and ellee to get to spend some one-on-one time, since they had only previously hung out during parties and hadn't seen each other at all since he began the process of becoming her Dominant. This isn't a lie-- I wanted them to have that time because that's incredibly important. It was also a convenient way for me to make my exit to go speed (er... drive exactly the speed limit) off to Omaha to gather up Heather.

Apparently ellee and Malignus had a great time while they were on their own and Malignus didn't suspect what I was actually doing. One thing which is great about him is the fact that he doesn't really pry. If I say "I'm doing something right now," he often doesn't even ask what, exactly, that something is. He just trusts that if he needed to know, I'd tell him. So when I told him that I wouldn't be getting to dinner until around 7:45 instead of the 7:00 we'd planned on, he didn't ask me why. He just enjoyed the extra ellee time that he was getting. Meanwhile, I arrived at Omaha, found Heather, hugged her madly and jumped up and down some more. I haven't seen Heather in a few months, and it was really too long. Malignus hadn't seen her since June, and I knew that it was really starting to get to him, and I couldn't wait for him to find out that she was here. After taking a quick second to look around and reminisce (as the passenger pickup area of the Omaha airport is where, accompanied by Heather and a similar amount of excited butterflies as were in my stomach at the moment) I first met Malignus in person just a year and a half ago) we were off. The drive went by much more quickly when I was with Heather (who was kind enough to take the wheel and give me a break), and we chatted about a whole plethora of things. We kept coming back to the fact that Heather recently became engaged, though. It's a pretty exciting thing, and I'd been waiting to give her an enormous hug ever since I first heard about it. I may have even hugged her while she was driving, which I don't think you are technically supposed to do.

Finally, we made it to Sioux Falls, where Malignus and ellee had just arrived at the restaurant where we'd be eating dinner. It was fortunate that a table for three is always actually a table for four. Snow was falling in big, fat flakes, and the wind whipped around us coldly as Heather and I rushed from the parking lot to the doorway of the restaurant. I was so excited that I kept forgetting to breathe. We made our way in and were pretty much immediately greeted by the sight of the two them at the table. Malignus saw Heather right away and exclaimed "Oh my god, you too?!" There was a lot more hugging, and we explained what, exactly we'd been up to. We also explained about PTL's intended involvement but unfortunate lack of presence, and we all agreed to skype her once we got home.

Oh hi! We love you! Heather, Malignus and ellee (who is hiding her face, but totally smiling, too!)

The dinner was just incredible. It was one of the happiest meals ever. There have only been a few times in my life that I was so happy that I experienced a certain kind of derealization, a sense of shock at just how good my life was at that moment and difficulty accepting that this was really the case. I felt that way when I was accepted to college, during my first spanking, when I first flew on an airplane, when I visited England and Japan and the first few times that Malignus and I were together. I basked in that feeling now, beaming with pride that I'd really been able to pull this off. Malignus never stopped smiling during that meal. Everything was perfect.

We spent the evening hanging out and enjoying each other's company. Gifts were exchanged and cuddles were given. We went through our collection of implements, telling stories about many of them and giving out "test swats" with a number of them. After that, we spent some time chatting with PTL on skype. It was sad that she wasn't there in person, but due to the miracle of the internet, we were able to have lots of fun with her, too. We went to bed really late, and I slept incredibly well, not having the nervous excitement of this upcoming event to keep me awake.

The next morning we got up and went into town. We had no particular plans, but Malignus wanted to take ellee to see our local Butterfly Sanctuary, since she'd never been there before, so we did that after brunch. The butterflies were very fond of ellee, and kept riding on her. One got particularly attached and clung to her for most of the time we were there, even laying five eggs on her. Butterfly eggs are small and iridescent. I had never seen them before.

ellee's BFF hitching a ride.

After the butterflies, we stopped to stock up on supplies and then went home to hang out for a while longer. During this time there were plenty more spankings, including a demonstration of something which has been a nemesis of mine for a while now-- towel snapping. Malignus is very proficient at hitting me with dish towels. He can make bruises and welts with a dry dish towel through my clothes. He started off by giving each of us a number of snaps with the towel over our clothes as we danced around, but this was so enjoyable that he decided to wet the towel to make it more effective and have us take our skirts off, so that he could hit us on our bare bottoms and legs. Due to the fact that we were just standing there and squirming, and because the "implement" weighed basically nothing so there was no risk of damage, there was a lot of hitting on the fronts of thighs and flank areas. Also, there was crying on my part. Stupid towels! So much sting!

Another "fun" activity involved Malignus hitting us on the fronts of our thighs with Twizzlers, something which I have only experienced while messing around with Beth Eisley and PTL. Malignus hits harder than PTL (yes, we already knew this). I still have some licorice shaped bruises, and ellee's bloomed into something that could easily be mistaken for cane welts. The policy became that if one of us wanted to eat a piece of the candy, we had to be hit with it first. I feel that if all junk foods in my house could somehow adopt that policy, I'd have reached my trimming-up goal a long time ago. :P We still have a nearly full bag of Twizzlers. :P

We went back to Sioux Falls for dinner, and then returned home to watch movies and have more spanking fun. I didn't get any "full" spankings during the weekend, and that was basically the right way of things. The private, one on one time was dedicated to the girls that Malignus doesn't get to see most of the year, and I was just filled with compersion for everyone involved. After dinner, though, I did get a number of swats with various awful things, as did the other two girls. The focus seemed to be on things which make weird marks, like a heavy plastic spoon with a hole in the middle that leaves an eye-shaped mark, the evil pasta measuring device with it's several large holes and a twisted, delrin loop.

Marks!

I also got hit with the rubber tred paddle that Malignus has named Old Glory a few times. It's a challenging implement for me, because my first real experience with it was during a very hard disciplinary spanking, so I always associate it with hurting basically the most out of everything in the world. It *does* hurt an incredible amount, and I was slightly shaken after just six strokes with it (I originally got four, but I asked for two more because I wanted to do a better job of taking them calmly for my own personal reasons ^_^).

Post scary implement hugs tiems!

The evening finished up with movie watching and lots of banter. ellee had to leave in the morning, but Heather was staying with us until Wednesday, and I think that breaking up of things made the separating a little more bearable for me.

ellee, selecting movies without having to actually sit down. :)

The next morning, Malignus and ellee spent lots of time alone and he gave her tons and tons of spanking to hold her over until next they met, and to ensure that her trip home was very uncomfortable. :D Heather and I hung out during this time and started to fall back into the routine that we had when we lived together and spent lots of our time just chilling. I love that about Heather-- even if we aren't always in contact, as soon as we are, we just pick things up without any awkwardness or difficulty transitioning. When ellee opened up our front door to go put her bags in the car after things were finished, she found that there was a package waiting for me. Apparently my Christmas gift from her husband and my Dominant, YS, had arrived. She encouraged me to open it then. I realize in retrospect that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait until Christmas to open it or anything, and I didn't ask, but ellee was being really cute about it so I just did it then. -_-

He got me basically the cutest bear in the whole world. It has curly fur and a bow and a cute but sort of serious face. I've never had a Dom who bought me stuffed animals before, and it made me feel very snuggly and loved. I've been doing a lot of bear cuddling ever since. :D

BEAR!

As ellee was leaving, I decided to give her my stuffed Tux penguin to take with her. This way, she can cuddle it and fill it with ellee love until we see each other again, when I'll get it back from her until the next time we see each other when she'll get him again! I am very glad that ellee gets to have some time cuddling him, because obviously ellee really loves Tux (once, when a friend was complaining about something in Linux, ellee whispered the admonishment "Tux can hear you! You'll hurt his feelings!").

It was hard to see her go, but Heather and I had big plans for the day. Malignus gave us two simple things that he wanted us to work on that day: going to the storage locker and messing around with some hooks on the wall so we could hang up some Christmas lights which ellee had brought for me. In true "Heather and Alex together" fashion, we ended up getting neither of these things accomplished (it was sort of not our fault) and instead went to the mall and indulged in lots and lots of girliness while Malignus was at work. Because of some kind of birthday miracle, we managed to not get in trouble for this, either. Ten points to Heather and Alex. After we finished hanging out (I was going to say we were good because we didn't buy anything, but I guess that the other information included in this paragraph kind of cancels that out) we met up with Malignus and went to see The Hobbit. I'd already seen it once, on Friday night, but I was happy for a repeat viewing and it was Heather's first time watching it. Everyone enjoyed it. :D

Because Heather had to leave our house to get to her flight at 1:00 AM on Wednesday, Tuesday was the day during which we wrapped things up and got ready to say goodbye to her. It was pretty hard to see her go, but I know that we will be with her again, soon. I spent today cleaning and feeling kind of mopey about not having company anymore, coupled with taking care of Malignus, whose "ellee and Heather withdraw" symptoms are manifesting like a mild case of the flu. Still, I know I'll see her again soon, and that many amazing adventures are waiting for me around the bend. When one ends, it's always just the turn of a page. Who knows what's waiting in the next chapter?

A Calm Simplicity

Updated 12/21/14: I've been re-reading some older blog posts and I came across this one. I want to add a little bit of modern commentary on it, now that I have a perspective from outside of that relationship. 

My relationship with Malignus was my first D/s relationship. I had a sort of unformed relationship that involved discipline before that and a play partner, but never a Dominant. I actually didn't know very much about D/s when I got involved in it, and most of what I knew I was taught by Malignus. At the time that I wrote this, I believed that in order to be a "good" submissive and to "fully" submit, I had to be able to take very severe spankings without warmups, with minimal encouragement, without moving or crying out to any degree and without the necessity of aftercare. 

I now don't think that this is actually a particularly healthy way to approach scenes, and I don't want anyone new to D/s or to spanking who might read this to think that this kind of play is normative or something that should be strived for. Please read this with the understanding that this scene had aspects of it that were very positive for me, but took place within the framework of an unhealthy relationship. My emphasis on fear of disappointing someone makes me feel sad when I re-read this. It has taken me a long time to get the idea out my head that my natural reactions to things are not something that will disappoint people. 

The rest of the text of this post has been left intact with no changes made to the text except this addition. 


This afternoon, Malignus decided to give me a spanking. There wasn't an established atmosphere for it: it simply began with "Let's hit you with stuff!" He started the spanking with a wooden spoon named Warren (the implement which featured heavily in this very old post and which I thought I lost once).  It's certainly not a kind implement. Once upon a time, I had designated my three least favorite implements as "The Trinity of Terror:  Warren, a small bladed but very thick lexan paddle and the nylon cane.

The Trinity of Terror, shown with Zelda, which is not relevant to this post.  The other three items very much are.

The spanking started off slowly, but I met it with some level of resistance. I don't mean I thrashed around or protested or anything extreme, but I let my body be tense, I moved around on the bed a bit and I continually cried out into the pillow. I leaned my body away from Malignus. My hands grabbed at the far end of the mattress in a tense desperation. There are a lot of different ways in which a spanking can go, and recently, for arbitrary or re-affirmative style spankings, we've been working on me meeting them passively and fully submitting to the spanking. This isn't the way that I generally react with other Tops, or in other atmospheres, but it's an important area that we've been working on. It's certainly been a challenge for me, though.

The spanking was very painful in a fiery, stinging way. The small surface area made one little section take all the force, and then another, and then another. At one point, I did something which is somewhat unusual for me during a spanking and I said something cogent: "This hurts!"

"Yes," Malignus acknowledged. "It does. But it's going to hurt less when you stop fighting against it. Let it break you down."

I tried to do exactly that, but I was just spinning my wheels. I got into a bit of a groove for a while, being still and keeping my body fairly relaxed. Malignus praised me for this, but I didn't really keep it up. The spanking picked up pace, and I found myself back to a state of struggle against the pain that was building. After things reached a crescendo, Malignus stopped and I took several deep breaths.

I'm going to digress for a moment. I'm willing to bet that you guys have seen Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The first time I saw that movie, I really started needing to pee about halfway through. Unfortunately, the movie didn't feel like it was about halfway through. It felt like it was almost over. I figured I could just wait until it ended. The movie would seem like it was about to end, and then start to seem like it was wrapping itself up, and then it would GO ON TO SOMETHING ELSE. Then that would wrap itself up, it would seem to be about over and then it would GO ON TO SOMETHING ELSE. Near the end I was becoming infinitely frustrated. I just wanted it to quit fake ending and just ACTUALLY END. In a movie, those moments that suggest that something is almost over when it really isn't are one of my pet peeves. They make me crazy. (By the way, I totally adore LOTR and I'm really excited to see The Hobbit this weekend. kthnx!)

In a spanking, however, those moments when you think that things are almost over and start to prepare yourself for them to be done, only to find out that you're closer to halfway through have a really strong, positive effect on me. They make me feel out of control in a very safe and very good way. The length and intensity of my spanking is not being determined by me. That's entirely up to my Dominant. It puts me in a very secure and submissive state of mind, and speeds up the process of breaking down my resistance. In my head, I call spankings that seem to stop, or appear to be reaching their end, only to begin again in earnest "Lord of the Rings spankings" because of the above story. (Note-- I realize I'm going to probably start getting some strange search terms showing up on my google analytics because of this).

Returning to my original story, that's what happened today. Malignus did, indeed, set down Warren. He had completed spanking me with it, just as I had originally believe. Instead of ending the spanking (which, if I was being honest with myself, I did not really want anyway) he reached under the bed and returned with the small, Lexan paddle pictured above. That paddle hurts a lot. It's one of the worst things I've been spanked with. I tried to be submissive to it, and to let it push me. Instead, I think that my resistance began to intensify (I say "I think" because this is the area of the spanking where my memory starts to get a little bit fuzzy, even though it was just eight hours ago or something). After giving me a handful of swats on my bottom, Malignus tapped the paddle against my thigh. I know that he does not do this to "line up his shot" like some people do. The purpose of pre-swat tapping has always been to get inside my head. I felt very vulnerable for the second before that stroke landed on my thigh, and then I felt a surge of pain that seemed to run through my entire body. And then another. And then another. And then another. I was really reacting to the pain, vocalizing and crying out in a manner that was probably excessive. Despite feeling wonderfully loved and taken care of, and being very aware of how much of my stress was dissipating, I was certainly not reaching my goal of calm and quiet submission. Then, for a minute, it was over.

I was actually quite relieved on some level when Malignus grabbed another implement. I knew that I wanted to give myself over to the spanking more, and I would have been very disappointed in my performance at that if it had stopped there. The implement which he had selected, however, was my nemesis: the nylon cane. I don't know if he intentionally used the three implements that I once selected as my least favorites or if it just worked out that way, but it was something that didn't even cross my mind until much later. At the moment, all I was aware of was the fact that I was going to be caned.

He did so rapidly, at a pace that I was largely unfamiliar with. He wasn't using "full" strokes, but the combined effective was overpowering. At first, I continued to struggle and cry out and then, all the sudden, everything stopped. I don't mean that the caning stopped-- it continued at the same pace and intensity. I stopped. My resistance went away and I just lay perfectly still. I fell silent.

"Good girl," Malignus praised me. "VERY good."

The caning continued, as did my passive state. It still hurt, but I was experiencing something which I've had limited experiences with: a powerful rush of endorphins. I have no idea for how long things continued. In my mind, it was both very long and very short. I felt really, really good. It was different than the drug-like experience I'd had the first time I fell into subspace, but equally wonderful. I felt entirely relaxed, but I also felt a joyful exuberance in my chest. I was really aware of what was happening to me and I was proud and excited. I felt simultaneously tranquilized and hyper stimulated. My brain was very confused, and it was awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Once things finally did stop, Malignus rubbed my back and comforted me for a long time. The good feeling lingered.

The spanking was still not entirely over.

After I was able to speak properly again (although I don't remember what I said), Malignus got one more cane-- a 1" acrylic cane that is probably the most weight bearing cane in our collection (strike that, known to man). He gave me six strokes with it, and while I wasn't entirely silent, I still took them well and felt the same surge of good feelings. After that, he gave me a really lovely cool down. Hours later, I'm still a little bit sore, and I'm still very smiley about it.
♥

Be here, now.

After I graduated from college, Rafa and I moved from the East Coast to Los Angeles. We did this by driving my trusty and most beloved car, Sandcat, in route which was carefully planned so that we could visit a number of significant people and do lots of fun stuff on the way there. It was my first significant road trip, and I was certainly hooked on them right away. While we were traveling, we stopped to visit a friend of my biological father's and his wife. We lingered there for a while due to the calm and relaxing nature of their home. They live in the woods, close enough to get in the truck and drive to town but far enough away that one feels entirely alone on their land. At first, the quiet was terrifying to me, but as I became comfortable with the sense of stillness, I came to focus on the hum of cicadas at night, the rush of a deer moving through the branches, the smell of the Earth or the tranquility of the slow moving river. I found a sense of peace there that I had simply never been aware of in my life until then.

During a conversation with one of my hosts, he talked to me about internal stillness. He took an index card, and on one side he wrote "Be everywhere, always." He then turned it over and wrote "Be here, now." He gave this to me, and reminded me that this was a choice that I had the ability to make. I could decide to simply exist in the place and moment I was in, regardless of whether or not I was cut off from cell phone reception and surrounded by natural beauty. I kept this in my mind, but it took me another couple of years to take the full meaning of it. It's a lesson that Malignus taught me early in our relationship, and which I have needed to be reminded of many times since then.

I tend to want to be everywhere, always. This has only been made worse by the fact that I have a wonderful array of friends and lovers who are literally spread across the globe. This weekend, someone I love had a hard day. I wanted to be with her. Another group of my loved ones and friends got together for a party which seems to have been an incredible amount of fun. I wanted to be with them. Yet another very special friend is celebrating a huge milestone in her life right now. I wanted to be there with her.

Physically, due to the fact that I'm not a super-human, I don't have a choice whether or not I'm everywhere, always or here, now. If I had that ability, this situation would be different. Instead, I only have the mental ability to choose where I will keep my focus. I can split my attention between the hundreds of things that need doing, the myriads of people that I love and the adventures that I could be having or will be having in the future. Or, I can choose to focus on my here and now and belong in the moment I'm living. This is a battle for me. It's something that, I hope, if I spend enough time working on will eventually become second nature to me. I've been stressing recently. I've had a lot of things going on. By focusing on the here and now, I've been slowly starting to relax and unwind, to calm my feelings and to keep my attention where it belongs.

This is also something which is very relevant to spanking for me. My brain is often in a lot of places. I'm worrying about ten things, thinking of what I'm going to write about next, what I'm going to cook for dinner, whether all my bills are paid, who I said I'd call, whether I've kept up all my obligations for all my Bosses of Me, who I miss, where I'm going next et cetera, et cetera. I used to find that a spanking was difficult to take until it got to a point of intensity where it overwhelmed me and therefore pushed all these other things out of my brain. Once I reached this place, I was able to give myself over to it better and get much more out of it.

After Shadowlane, when I returned home after six weeks of being away, Malignus spanked me in a way that was very loving and which made me feel very much at home again. Before he did so, I got in position over his lap with my bottom bare and was prepared to be spanked. He then instructed me to put away all my adventures, all my memories and stories and to choose, essentially, to be there and then. He lead me to focus on making the choice to put all those things away before the spanking began. I felt much safer, more vulnerable and, more than anything else, much more calm at the onset of that spanking, instead of having to struggle through things until the point where the spanking overwhelmed me and pushed them away. It was a very important lesson, and one which I've tried my best to keep in mind for all spankings since then. Because, really, for a spanko, what moment is more precious to linger in than a spanking? Sure, it can be scarier and often more painful if you give it your full focus, but that's really the point. I'd certainly rather have a more pure experience than one which is watered down by the rest of my life. Choosing to be relaxed at the onset of a spanking also allows me to leave it in a more elevated space as opposed to simple using the spanking as something to return me to an even keel.

Does anyone else find that they have these sorts of problems focusing on the here and now? I can't imagine that it's uncommon. We live in a world of interconnectivity, of long distance friendships, of tweeting and texting and live feeds. Even when we physically shut down our computers and put down our phones, our minds are often still functioning at this speed and in this manner. Fellow bottoms, do you find that a spanking can center your mind? Does anyone else have the experience of needing to be overwhelmed in order to let go? Do you do anything to keep yourself here and now while being spanked? Or is this not an issue for other people? Does just the sight of your Top with an implement in hand snap you back to reality, or is your complete attention something that he has to work for? I'm curious to know others' experiences. :D

Creative Spanking Blog of the Year Nomination!

I've been having a good couple of days, and I've got lots of exciting news.
My blog has been nominated for Creative Spanking Blog of the Year over at The Spanking Spot! I'm incredibly excited just to see my page listed on the voting options that it gives me jitters.

I'm also really glad that I got my redesign taken care of, so the page is spruced up for the awards!

I'd like to thank the four people who nominated my blog for this. I'm really proud that in the past year I've been able to increase my readership so much, make new friends in the spanking community, engage in conversations and dialoges on a variety of subjects and share my thoughts and experiences with the spanking world at large. While I shall not tell you what to do, I really hope that you will consider voting for me. Many of the competing blogs are excellent, as well, and I wish everyone the best of luck. :)

(Small dance of excitement.)

The are several other categories open for voting. There is Best Facial Expression During a Spanking, which is populated by lots of great pain faces. I'm personally extremely fond of Ten Amorette's face in all situations, but especially when she's getting a spanking. I also love the way that Amelia Jane Rutherford emotes during a scene, especially her expressions of shock and appall before her actual spanking starts. And we couldn't talk about patented faces without mentioning Sarah Gregory, who is an expert at showing just how much something hurts on her face. There's also a girl named Liesje, who I was not previously familiar with, from the Dutch site Real Life Spankings who appears to be in great distress at her spanking and is making a face one doesn't see very often in videos: the "screaming like a dying monster face."

This is a sort of face that *is* frequently seen in my home. I like the honesty of it.

The next category is Most Improved Spanking Site. All of the sites that are nominated for this award are wonderful. Bars and Stripes has had an awesome cast of both Tops and spankees in the past year, and continues to have a very unique "feel" to it. Instead of being a set of different stories, this site feels like one, complete fantasy world, which I'm very fond of. Triple A Spanking has really come a long way in the past year, as it's been growing and developing. It has beautiful girls and great ideas going into it. Spanked in Uniform had a very unique improvement this year: they've expanded to include Stark Trek and Harry Potter inspired sections that are extremely unique and very well pulled off. English Spankers is a site with which I only became familiar in the past year, so I can't say what they've improved upon exactly, but I know that their content is quite lovely indeed. There were also two new sites launched this year who fall into this category: Spanking Sorority Girls and Dreams of Spanking. I've shot for both of these sites, although my content has not yet been released on Spanking Sorority Girls. Spanking Sorority Girls is a very fun site with some cute concepts, and it's held together by very charming Veronica Ricci, who stars on the site. Veronica is a total knock out and a ton of fun to work with. Dreams of Spanking is a very unique site, and I know that Pandora has worked incredibly hard to make it so. She really has moved away from the "traditional" sort of spanking site to bring us a set of unique stories, pairings and models that are constantly exciting.

Plus, one of the photos on the voting page is of me. Yay!

The final category open for voting is New Spankee of the Year. I don't actually really know anything about any of the girls who were nominated, but many of them are very lovely looking, and I think I have a bit of a girl crush on Mei Mara. It's those eyes! So adorable.

Anyway, please go vote for your favorites. I'm sure everyone has worked very hard and deserves their nomination. :)

Alex Interviews: Lily Starr

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