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This blog contains adult material, including depictions and descriptions of nudity, consensual BDSM play and sexuality.
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Saturday, June 15, 2013

Size, Shape, Spanking.

This is an interruption to my recent narrative, because this post is important. It's been stewing in my mind for a couple of weeks, and I've decided that I'm going to post it.

I get lots of questions in the inbox on my tumblr page, and I try to answer all of them. I like to have an open line of communication. I try to respond to Fetlife messages and emails, as well, but contacting me with something small over tumblr is pretty effective. A couple of weeks ago, I got the following question in my tumblr inbox:


"You have a large, chubby, big bottom. Do you think you 

can take a hard spanking because it has so much padding? 

Do you like your bottom?" 



My natural reaction to a message like this is to feel badly about myself. Oh. I'm big. Thanks for reminding me. In fact, there have been times when these sorts of messages or photo comments or emails really tore me up. They pushed me over an edge of self doubt and lack of confidence. They reminded me of the thing that I feared: that I was fat. That I was the biggest girl making spanking videos. That I was really not all that pretty. That I largely got by as a model on my personality and, as the note mentioned, my ability to take a beating. That I'm not a tiny little thing, that I don't fit over a lap as easily as the more petite girls and all my other fears and doubts relating to my height.

The truth is, I've spent a lot of my life feeling extremely insecure. I wrote a long post about my feelings towards my vertical size just about a year ago and it was one of the most vulnerable and personal things that I've ever written on this blog. I've never really mentioned my insecurities about my figure too openly, but I think a lot of people know that they're there. I'm in a very body centric profession with a shape that's different than many people in said profession, or even in the visible media. I put myself in a position where people discuss me in a public forum and where other bloggers think it's a compliment to describe a girl as "pretty despite her size" when in reality, she's about a size 8 and tremendously beautiful. It's not hard to figure out how all that might make me feel.

A few months ago, my insecurities were peaking. I just flat out didn't like myself physically. I was losing weight, but I was never satisfied. I didn't like my shape. I didn't like my height. I didn't like my curves. I didn't like bottom. Because modeling is my job, I pressed through working, but I didn't expect to like any of the things that I saw. I was negatively comparing myself against some of my friends who are just built differently than me, and I was making myself feel awful about it.

There's nothing wrong with me. 


Eventually, I got to the point where I was honest with my friends about these feelings, and basically everyone I talked to was tremendously supportive. I was struggling with a general sense of depression to some degree for a while, especially over the winter, and that was adding to the way that I was seeing myself. I'm not going to name the people who talked to me about my body and my self image, because our conversations were extremely personal and intimate, but I'm eternally grateful for them. Their combined efforts helped me to realize that I was viewing myself through a dysmorphic lens and that I'm really actually quite pretty.

This is a feeling that's been blooming and growing recently. I've gone into whatever the opposite of a depression is. Happiness. I like my life. I like the way that things are for me. I like what I do. I like the people I do those things with. I like myself.
And I mean that.
I feel drastically differently about myself than I used to.
I don't feel ashamed about myself. About anything. I don't feel ashamed of my sexuality, or of the things that I want, or of my history, or of the things I don't know and can't do well, or the times when I'm just not a real adult, or of my emotions. I don't feel too tall. I don't feel too fat. I like my shape. I like the way I look and feel draped over a lap. I like my long, curvy legs.

I feel like I look tall in this photo, and that's okay with me.

I want to stress that no one ever made me feel the way I did before. In fact, I had tremendous emotional support to try and help me be my best. I just... did.
Now, I don't.

So, I'm going to answer my Tumblr question.

I don't really have that big of a bottom. It certainly doesn't need three adjectives to describe it that way. I have a round, perky, spankable bottom. I like it. A lot of people like it. It's my favorite part of my body. I like the way it looks. I like the way it bounces when I'm spanked. I like how it looks when I'm bent over, or over a lap. I like the way it fills out panties.

Chubby isn't the word I think about myself when I see this.


I like the way it looks when I walk around. I like how it looks in a short skirt. I like how it looks in jeans. I wouldn't change it. I mean that. It's mine (well, and someone else's, too, and that just makes it even better!) and I'm proud of it.

I don't think that I can take a harder spanking because of the way that I'm built, but I wouldn't entirely discount the idea. Honestly, I think that I can take a hard spanking because that's what I've always wanted, and because Malignus taught me a lot of wonderful things about both active and passive submission over the years. I know that I'm less at risk at having my bones struck because of the way that I'm built, and I'm grateful for that because I do like being hit hard (in the right situation).

I'm not less spankable because of my shape. I can still feel comfortably emotionally small, vulnerable, physically supported... everything that I want to feel. I'm not just saying this. It's a real change.

I hope that this answers the OP's question.

21 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you! I don't intend to. It's part of who I am! :)

      Delete
  2. I love you. You are the most amazing woman. You are super gorgeous and sexy inside and out and I just can't wait to see you again.

    I am genuinely SO VERY happy to see that you have come so far. I love you my dearest Alex.

    Panda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Panda.
      You've been really supportive in this journey, and I love you for it. You're wonderful. <3

      Delete
  3. I am so glad that you are feeling good about the way you look, Alex. You should!

    The negative feelings that you used to have about your appearance were bullshit, and I can prove it: You are a PROFESSIONAL MODEL. You get PAID by people who sell photos and videos for a living to pose in front of their cameras. They aren't paying you for your personality. Though you have a great personality, that's not what the camera sees, is it?

    You are great looking, incredibly smart, you have a great personality, you write a great blog (it won an award, remember), and you have many more great qualities as well.

    That's my opinion and a lot of people share it.

    And concerning those dumbasses on Tumblr, Dita Von Teese said it best: "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing is, I had a perfectly good rational understanding of the fact that I had to look good, as measured by the work I was doing and the positive response I was getting. That just didn't carry over to the emotional part of my brain.

      It didn't matter to me that OTHER people liked me. What mattered was that I didn't like myself for a while. And I do again. So that's a very good thing.

      Thanks so much for your support. I think you're great.

      Delete
  4. This post made me cheer. I ♥ you, Alex.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have a beautiful bottom (and the rest of you is beautiful too).

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a lovely post. You're such a great girl and I enjoyed this very much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Good post. We'll talk and play at Shadow Lane !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely! I can't wait to see you again!

      Delete
  8. Alex,

    Good for you! I think you are beautiful inside and out. Anyone who suggests otherwise is simply mistaken.

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Bonnie! I really appreciate hearing from you. You made me smile.

      Delete
  9. i never once thought u were chubby or have big fat butt even so i will admit you do have big butt but not that too big you shouldnt feel down if somebody made fun of your appreance at all just dont respond to those type of people

    i alway love you butt it cute and perfect butt for all those spankings you get and help keep your butt in shape perfect size too

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I know that my butt is really round and certainly not small. I just don't think of it as "fat". To me, the words that the commenter used were negative ones and I think of the size and shape of my butt as a positive thing.
      I do really like my shape and size. :D

      Delete
    2. i like the size and shape of your butt too in fact iam an ass man and ass lover i love all female butt i cant not lie

      what werid out in public i seen some female with their butt that their butt look like same size as your or other spanking model butt i have seen i normaly say to myself that their butt look like so and so spanking model i seen on line

      Delete
  10. First of all, that is an idiotic question from the Tumblr person. There are people of all sizes in modeling and entertainment and I would never put you in the category of "chubby." And even if you were, there's nothing wrong with that.

    Second, to answer the dumb poster's question, having "more padding" doesn't necessarily make one better at taking a spanking. I'm a larger woman and feel like a total wuss when it comes to pain. I've never been spanked at a drastically different size so can't compare the two, but I know currently I often feel like I can't take a lot.

    Third, you are beautiful. From seeing all the pictures you share of yourself to meeting you in person, you range from fucking adorable to pretty to absolutely stunning. Your personality on top of all that just takes the cake.

    Fourth, I'm glad I'm a female so I can say all of that shit and hopefully not sound super creepy. ;-)

    Lastly, as someone who wears the crown for most self conscious/body conscious person EVER, I understand that a million people saying what I just wrote above doesn't change how you feel about yourself until YOU decide to accept it and feel differently about yourself.

    And that is something that is really fucking hard to do. Self acceptance is one of the biggest challenges in life, I think. I'm far from being there. But I'm so glad you have passed that hurdle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, can I just say that this may be the most meaningful comment I've ever gotten on my blog? Your words about how you see me were definitely not creepy. They were sweet and wonderful and genuine, and made me feel legitimately good.
      Feeling good about myself these days has been awesome. I feel confident and happy. Not all the time, of course, but a much larger portion of the time. People like you just feed it and make it better now that I've gotten over that bump for myself. I hope that you get there, too. You're beautiful and wonderful.

      Delete