Punishment in the Public Eye

In all my years (ok, all three years) of my spanking modeling career, there was one thing which I had never done: a video depicting a real life domestic discipline punishment from someone with whom I had that relationship.

That wording sounds a little specific, and it's meant to be. Nearly all the videos that I do are discipline or punishment themed, but most are obviously roleplayed, creative scenarios. I've done a number of videos in which the thing that I'm being spanked for is something which I really did, but this mentally different than actually being punished for something. In order for a punishment to work, there must be two things in place. First of all, the person being punished must recognize the authority (even if temporary) of the person punishing them, and secondly, the person being punished must be sufficiently vulnerable to allow themselves to feel chastised. Most of the time, if a scenario is punitive, these two things aren't in place.

Now, I specified that I had never done this with someone with whom I was in a real life relationship. I have done one video which was undeniably a real discipline video. It was between Robert Wolf (of Lily Starr Spanking) and myself years ago. Even though Robert and I don't have a normal disciplinary relationship, I consider him to be an "off chart boss of me": he's one of the people whose authority I respect in general, and I'm quite likely to listen to what he says. We're very close friends and we have a relationship based on mutual respect, so I have a lot of trust for him. In this particular situation, I was frustrated with myself, incredibly vulnerable and feeling the need to be punished, so all the key pieces were there. It was a super intense experience, but I only ever felt like it was the right situation to do this the one time. If you're interested, you can get that clip here.

On the subject of Lily Starr and Robert Wolf, they got married the other day. They had a small but wonderful ceremony of mostly vanilla people, but Paul, Amoni and I attended, too, Amoni taking (let me just say gorgeous) photos for them. We had an awesome time, and it was a really special occasion. At one point during the reception, though, I got flustered by all the excitement and ended up saying something really rude to Paul. Since we were in vanilla company, he just gave me a look, but I knew entirely what it meant. I may be frequently naughty: making little bits of mischief, whining, stamping my foot and putting trash in Paul's pocket when we're out and I don't have pockets of my own, but ultimately, I'm still very good. There's a distinct difference between "fun trouble" and "real trouble." I actually had never gotten in trouble for being disrespectful to Paul before. I DO respect him, and I want him to know that. I want to be polite and show him that I appreciate all the love and care that he gives me. I felt immediately distressed by my own behavior, but I put it away and got back to having fun (and soon, cake!) with my friends.

We got home fairly late that night and were all tired from a long day, so Paul told me that he would punish me the next day. We were also planning on filming clips for Kitchen Sink Spanking the next day, and as I went to bed I thought about what we were going to do for it. Kitchen Sink has always meant to be a representation of (if not our real lives) then our real personalities and styles of play. Sometimes the scenarios are goofy and cute and other times the scenes are severe enough to make me really cry and still others are sexy, but none of them had ever brushed on our actual punishment scenes. I came to the conclusion that this was something that I wanted to try doing. I've always felt like discipline was something very private. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about my punishments explicitly online because I don't want to share what I did wrong with everyone. In the past, when I was dating my ex, I felt like I couldn't share my disciplinary scenes because "others wouldn't understand" or they would be judgmental about the harshness involved (I partially felt that because my ex directly told me this, and partially because they actually were overly harsh and lacking in a certain kind of affection). But now that I'm with Paul, my feelings about this are very different. It's "hard enough" and certainly very stern, but the whole proceeding is very loving. There's something special about it. I decided that I felt ready to share this with the internet.

Interestingly enough, I didn't get a chance to bring this up to Paul because he brought it up to me, and we talked about it briefly. One thing that I've always been afraid of when it comes to filming real punishments is that having a camera on would change the way that the actual punishment and aftercare would go, and after talking about it, I felt sure that it wouldn't. We agreed that we would simply do things the way that we would if there wasn't a camera. Since Amoni was here, we asked her if she would want to watch and be in the video and she agreed.

Paul set up the camera and left the room and Amoni and I sat on the bed, talking. This is the only part of the clip that seems a little bit contrived, because I knew that Paul was about to come in and punish me, and I think I probably look nervous, because I was. Soon, he came in and scolded me, inviting Amoni (or "Ami" because "Amoni" doesn't really sound like a name) to watch: since I was rude in front of her, I could be punished in front of her. He was carrying the tawse. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but of all the reasonable implements in the world, this is the one that "gets to me" the most. I have long regarded it as being particularly scary, and because it's an implement that I've primarily only had applied to me by Paul, it also carries a lot of emotional weight. And it really, really hurts. It's heavy and horrible and biting. The design is so simple yet so effective and so unforgiving. I can hardly say the word "tawse" and I feel a little shiver just to type it now.

He directed me over pillows at the edge of the bed and lifted the skirt of my dress. I grabbed Amoni's hand. Then he gave me the first stroke. I felt particularly vulnerable because I was being watched. However, I was more focused on the fact that Amoni was watching me than the camera, so it was probably a good idea that we had her there (I also really appreciated her hand holding). It only took three strokes to make me burst into real, genuine tears. Why? Because it hurt, for one thing, and the strokes were being applied without any warmup. More importantly, though, I felt horrible for my behavior and I knew just how badly I needed to be punished. I was very, very vulnerable. I felt small and young. I also felt a serious sense of security. There's security that comes from knowing that if I mess something up, Paul isn't going to get mad at me or ignore me or push me away. He's going to punish me, hard, because he loves me, and he knows that I can and will do better than this. The whole thing makes me feel very cared for and safe. I can easily let go of my inhibitions and cry myself out, which is exactly what I did. If you watch the video, it might seem like my reactions are a little over the top. That's just the way I am when I'm in this headspace. I feel everything strongly and I react the same. Besides, if I haven't said so before, that horrible thing hurts like nothing else.

By the time we were finished, I was a sobbing mess. Paul sat down on the bed and scooped me up into his lap for cuddling and forgiveness. I continued to cry on his shoulder for quite a while as he assured me that everything was alright and that I was very loved. Honestly, this is the part that I'm happiest to be sharing. I think that the world needs more tenderness in it, especially the spanking world. While I might not feel entirely proud of the way I took the punishment (there's a lot of wailing) I feel very proud to share this special moment created by my vulnerability and his love for me. Really, this is what Domestic Discipline is all about.

I feel very pleased with the final product of the film. It's pretty much the most intimate thing that I've ever done on the internet, and I love how it shows the whole range of emotion that we go through when doing this.

And my marked butt. I enjoy this now that it's over.

Will I do more videos like this in the future? Probably. It honestly felt good to be able to share this. It didn't change the way things went in the least. There's something wonderfully exhibitionistic about it.
I hope that you'll consider checking it out if you're interested. It's now my favorite spanking video that I've ever made. You can see the clip here.

Outdoor Adventures

I just finished a busy week. I shall now tell you about it, bit by bit.

On Monday, Paul and I drove out to Topenga (a more "rural" area on the edge of Los Angeles where one can experience some much needed fresh air!) in the early afternoon. I was meeting up with Pandora Jones, Samantha Grace and Odette Delacroix later that day in order to shoot a custom video, but Paul and I had wanted to try and find some places to shoot outdoor spanking content for Kitchen Sink Spanking, so we decided to do that first while we were already out of the city. It may have been the end of April, but the weather in Los Angeles was already feeling more like summer time: it was warm, sunny and bright out. We found a little park and took a walk until we were under a big oak tree. I was pretty obscured from the street, but it was still close by: if I turned my back, I could see the cars rushing by. I didn't feel comfortable getting spanked so close to the road, but we did film a panty fetish video there, since it's a lot harder to notice that someone is flashing her panties than it is to miss the very distinctive sound of a spanking. As it was, that level of exhibitionism was fun and exciting without making me too nervous, but I did run into one small "filming in the countryside" snafu. While Paul had been setting up the camera, I had leisurely leaned my back against the tree. After a few minutes, I felt something tickling my arms and looked down to see red ants crawling all over me! I'm sure it was comical to watch me flailing around and trying to shake the ants off. It's a pity we weren't already filming :P. For a while after this, I kept noticing one or two ants crawling on my body, and had to pick them off. Paul seemed to think that this was a bit prissy of me, but these were red ants, and I was convinced that they were going to bite me. Red ants are not common in the area where I grew up, and they're the enemy in Sim Ant, so I tend to be distrustful of them.

GET OFF OF ME! I do realize that the placement of this image means that when this post is previewed on people's blogrolls, it will look like it's entirely about ants. Meh. 

After abandoning antville, we planned to walk back to the car by way of a path which looped around and drive on to find another park. Instead, I found a path that lead off in another direction which I wanted to explore. This was a good call: it lead down into a little gulch which held a much bigger, older tree. The branches formed a canopy around it, and we had to push them aside to go into the little "room" formed there. Inside, we found a rope and board swing hanging from one of the branches. This is exactly the kind of secret hideaway that I love. It was a private little space away from the rest of the world, and I happily climbed onto the swing (after testing it for safety, of course). Paul filmed me swinging while giving peeks at my panties for a bit, but then announced that it was time for me stop playing, as I was in need of a spanking. Why? Because the space was perfect for one. It was definitely true. No one could see us and the branches made me feel cut off from the rest of the world. It felt like we were in a private universe there.

Setting the camera up on some rocks or something, Paul directed me to bend over the swing. I did this by laying over it like it was a lap, so that my stomach was against the wood and all my limbs were sort of hanging. Paul explained that this wasn't actually a very effective way to spank me, and suggested that I stand up, bend over and grab the seat of the swing. This *did* make more sense. The other pose probably looked a bit silly. It was one I had done many times before, though: when I was younger and first fantasizing about spanking I liked to drape myself across things to imagine that I was in the OTK position, and I used the swings on the playground to do this pretty regularly. Fortunately, no one had ever asked me what I was doing.

Under the tree, Paul lifted my skirt and began to spank me. Even though it wasn't cold out at all, the fresh air made the smacks seem to sting more. Maybe it was psychosomatic, but I yelped pitifully from a simple hand spanking.

When he pulled my panties down, I felt particularly exposed. I protested that a squirrel might see me, since that was pretty much the only way that I would be observed. I knew it was silly, especially since I do plenty of fully nude tromping around outdoors when modeling, but I felt tremendously vulnerable. "Squirrels have seen everything," Paul responded, which is a strangely sage sentence, when you think about it. I wiggled and whined throughout the rest of the spanking. Once he had finished reddening my bottom, Paul asked me how I was enjoying my day out and all I could do was scrunch my face. I was enjoying it very much, but I felt strangely camera shy when asked to comment directly, especially since I've put a lot of effort into training myself not to look at the camera during spanking videos (a concept I had difficulty grasping until more recently than I'd like to admit). I think I ended up blushing and bashfully looking at the ground and saying "I guess." That's me. The queen of articulation right there! You can watch this spanking sometime soon on Kitchen Sink Spanking. It's not available yet, but will be before too long.)

A squirrel *might* see me. It's possible!

I spent a while working on another project under the tree, and then spent a little bit more time swinging just for fun before we climbed out of the branches and back into the real world. We got back into the car and drove to a piece of civilization where we found a cafe to eat a late lunch, which was extremely delicious. Soon, it was time for me to go shoot my custom video, so Paul stayed in the town to hang out while I drove off up a big hill. The place which Pandora (Jones, not Blake) had found for us to shoot was a strange but magical little hippy commune nestled in the hills. She'd rented two little houses there. Odette and I arrived around the same time and went off to find Pandora and Samantha, but we got distracted by a treehouse on the way. Odette climbed up and I snapped a picture:

I like being around Odette because she's one of the only people I know who is more eager to do fun (ridiculous) things than I am, even if hanging out with her does make me feel like a giant.

We met up with the other two girls, and I gave Pandora such a giant hug. She's the lady who helped me do my first ever kinky shoot, the first person who ever tied me up and has been a beloved friend for years, but I haven't seen her since before I left for South Dakota. She's living on the East Coast now, but was visiting LA for a little bit. It was so good to be back around her, even if we only got to see each other for a couple of hours. It was awesome to meet Samantha. I'd seen her work for a long time, and was glad to get to work alongside her! She's even prettier in person and relaxed, friendly and down-to-earth.

Before we filmed, Odette showed us her Google Glass, which she's using to make the ultimate POV experience these days. I knew very little about them, so she explained a lot of what they can do and I was very impressed. We then filmed the custom pretty directly, then spent a little while hanging out. I couldn't stay and talk for as long as I would have liked to, but it was great to have the time that we did.

I had parked on a dirt road which was also a hill, which made getting out of the commune tricky. My car slid down the hill and ended up in a pile of leaves and debris off the edge of the road. Somehow, I didn't panic, and instead put the car in neutral, got out, cleared the brush away from the back wheels and then pushed the car back onto solid terrain. Ha! Such a grown up!

I then went and picked Paul up and we headed home, where I made us a pot roast with roasted carrots and potatoes for dinner and we spent the rest of the night catching up on work before it was time for snuggles and bed.

PS- Yes! I'm back! Except more posts soon! ♥

A New Project and Some... Changes?

Hi hi hi!
So, today I was made aware that apparently I wasn't just getting the aforementioned spanking for not having been keeping up with blogging, but instead, a "severe beating." Um... *nervous lip biting* back to our regularly scheduled posting and let's all forget about this incident? Does that sound good to you? Sounds good to me. ^_^

Anyway, I have exciting news to share :D

Over the past couple of months, Paul and I have been working on a project together. I really like filming videos with him: this was, after all, our original interaction, and there's nothing better than watching the dynamics between real partners on film. We obviously sometimes film together for Northern Spanking and we've done scenes for other sites but, once we moved in together, we wanted to start doing more scenes with just the two of us, and doing them in a more low-key, natural, domestic setting. We wanted to capture the energy of our household and our relationship and to explore many of the various facets there in. I wanted to be able to say "Haha, that would be a funny video, grab the camera and let's do it RIGHT NOW!" We wanted things that were naturally occurring instead of being pre-designed. We wanted to be able to sometimes do scenes that weren't necessarily spanking scenes. It was obvious that this content needed its own home on the internet.

We spent a while trying to come up with the name of our future site. Most of this time was spent with Paul asking me what I thought would be a good idea and me saying "I don't know, I can't think of anything." I'm horrible at naming things. I felt impossibly clever when I came up with "Alex in Spankingland" (although it required encouragement from my friend Sophie to convince me that it seemed good to others instead of just me). If I hadn't happened upon it, this blog would probably just be called "Spanking Alex." Not very creative.

Paul was the one who came up with the name for new project: Kitchen Sink Spanking. The name derives from a genre of film, television and theater which was popular in the 1950's and 60's in England known as "kitchen sink realism." This genre attempted to create stories which were depictions of the dramas, interpersonal relationships, highs and lows of the daily life of regular people, and were set in apartments or houses, often centering around the kitchen instead of requiring the creation of fancy sets. I think that this fits perfectly with the essence that we were trying to capture.

Everything that we've filmed thus far has been in our own home, and we do it with just the two of us there. As such, the camera sits on a tripod and we don't use a lot of equipment. As such, the films have a very different feel than the formal shoots that we do, but it's actually very enjoyable. I find them to be delightfully voyeuristic.

Are the films simply snippets from our every day life? Not exactly. I make no claims that these videos occurred naturally, or that they're "reality porn." We certainly don't just set a camera up and go about our daily lives and then edit it down to the parts that include spanking. The clips vary in verisimilitude: some are more fun and allow me to engage in fun-for-everyone whining, foot stamping and petulance (this is fun for everyone... right?!). A couple are quite serious. I like this variety. The first film is a cute story about me being first introduced to a new DD relationship, complete with a lot of the aforementioned protestation and a hairbrush spanking. It's the first one we filmed, and we had a lot of fun doing it. The second film follows the same story, but in addition to my getting spanked it includes me getting smacked with a kitchen implement on both the fronts and backs of my thighs. This was entirely unscripted. I was surprised by how the scene had become spontaneously worse. :P The third, still following the same tale, gives rise to this adorable sadface:

There's one which is goddamn adorable and simply a replay of a scene which actually happened, in which I went to Zeki's house, made cookies with her and returned with only the tale of how good they were for Paul, who was clearly in need of biscuits. Justice was served instead:
]

As we went on making the videos, we started making upskirt films, which I find delightfully naughty and which excite my exhibitionist streak. There are a couple of harder scenes, and then there's something... different. Over the course of the past eighteen months, my relationship between sexuality and kink has been developing quite a bit. While I previously described these drives as being separate and parallel, as I grew more comfortable with myself and began to have partners who were both involved in my kink life and my sex life, this division slowly began to breakdown. There's a LOT of writing to be done about this, but 2:00 AM while seated on Sarah Gregory's couch is neither the time nor place to attempt to tackle this topic. Suffice to say, I've begun to enjoy certain combinations of these activities. As such, I decided that I wanted to make my first blatantly sexually charged video. The video is actually quite intense: it's a disciplinary caning which has a lot of energy, and which stirs up a lot of emotion in me. My bottom was already sore when we filmed this, and the strokes are hard. I cry and wail and get rather pathetic. Throughout the entire scene, though, I was very... er... aroused (and I'm very embarrassed to admit this!) and once my punishment was complete, I went to my room to fix this condition in myself. I must admit, I haven't watched it (it makes me feel very awkward to think about doing so!), but it's my only masturbation film out there, and it's entirely genuine. Curious? Feel free to check it out, and I'll have more writing about sexy-kink times later.

I do have this deep fear that people will be upset about this change in me, but it was no longer genuine to perpetuate the idea that there are no longer situations where spanking is sexual for me. I hope you all still like me, even though I no longer have a hardline stance on this issue. :)


I hope you consider checking out the site, as I'm quite pleased with the results myself!
Now, it's off to the bath, and then some glorious sleep! ♥