This blog contains adult material, including depictions and descriptions of nudity, consensual BDSM play and sexuality.
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Saturday, October 11, 2014

200th Post!

So, my blog is officially 200 posts old. Realistically, that's a very small number of posts per year, but it's what I've been able to do. Here's to getting through the next 200 posts much more quickly!

Realizing just how many posts I've written made me want to go back and skim some of the old ones. There were lots of milestones and adventures recorded, changes in my writing style as time has gone by and a drastic improvement in my skin quality, makeup ability, hair and eyebrows as I've grown into myself a little bit.

In case you haven't read all 200 posts (and really, who has?!) here are a few memorable ones to look at:

Year 1:

My First Adventure in Spanking Modeling: a post describing my first ever spanking shoot with Assume the Position Studios three years ago.
A Spanko on Folsom Street: in which I visit the Folsom Street Fair with friends, take oral history from aging Old Guard leathermen and question how I fit into the BDSM community as a spanking fetishist.
My First Spanking: in which I describe my first spanking experience, which had happened several years before this was written.
Curious About...: this post includes my original spanking bucket list. I still have not sat down in the snow after being spanked, but I have done everything else!
Limits: in which I describe what I saw as my limits at the time of writing. This list has nothing to do with my limits today, and shows what a different headspace I was in back then. Some aspects of it are influenced by the preferences of my partner at the time. Others are because I didn't really feel comfortable with aspects of myself yet. Others aren't made into a hard enough limit because damn, for no reason is someone going to do these things to me these days. Interesting how one develops.
Where Has Alex Been: Part 1: in which I first announce that I'm planning on moving to South Dakota, dress as a slutty Pikachu and get shot in the ass with an airsoft gun on purpose.
Adventures: Part 1: in which I actually begin the process of moving to South Dakota, try wax play and needle play and have the worst skin I've ever had, my god, why was I allowed out of the house? Although not mentioned in the post, this was written when my brother first entered the hospital for the last time before passing away.
International AIDS Day: in which I come out to the public about the fact that my brother's life had recently come to an end due to an opportunistic infection caused by AIDS.
Shit Spanko Girls Say: This was pretty funny.

Year 2:

Fetlife Comments Most People Don't Enjoy: this was sort of a first draft of what would, over a year later, become pretty much the most popular thing I ever wrote.
Zeldagony: Part 2: This was my first post ever to be Chrossed. I felt like such a boss when this happened. The post itself is about how Malignus made me play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and punished me when I was not good at video games. Parts of this experience were actually super fun. Other parts of it were signs that our relationship was quickly spiraling to an extremely unhealthy place. I didn't re-read this post so I don't know how much of that can actually be picked up by reading it.
The Care and Keeping of a Frequently Spanked Bottom: I really need to write an updated version of this, as I have learned a lot of new things, but this is still a good guide and I think that I'm funny.
On Being Spanked to Tears: I explore what makes me cry and why. Another topic I should probably revisit sometime soon!
Happy Face: In which I finally got my driver's license. I can't believe it was that recently!
A Blog Post About Sex: In which my views on sex, kink and how they interact are entirely different than they are today.
First Party: Chapter 1: In which I went to my first overnight spanking gathering at a cabin. At the time I was very focused on having met a couple of people who became very close to me for a while and then ended up not staying in my life, but I also first met Joe and Ten there, who are some of the people in the scene who have remained (without fail) the most loving and supportive. I'm seriously thankful that I met them.
First Party: Final Chapter: In which I talk about the first scene that Joe and I had together and feel pretty confused about what those "positive feelings" I was having were!
The Struggle: In which I try to talk about entirely unreasonable expectations that my ex set for me as if they were reasonable, and in the comments section, Pandora Blake first suggests that this is actually unreasonable and I first start to consider this idea.
Shamrocks and Sjamboks: Where I got in trouble in a most hilarious way. Also included: videos of me and Heather Green (then Michaels) spanking each other and Malignus caning us.
Submission Topic: Polyamory and Submission: I try to take apart why it's traditionally seen as acceptable for a Dom to have two subs but not the other away around, and I try to explain how serving two or more different people works.
Vacation: In Which I Meet Erica Scott: Exactly as it says on the tin (as Paul would say)! I went back to Los Angeles and met Erica Scott for the first time. It's hard to imagine my life before she was a part of it, now. She means so much to me.
In and Out of Spankingland: Following my return from vacation, Malignus broke up with me for the first time. We then lived in a weird situation where all our relationships were "on hold" for a while, until he finally gave me a list of things I had to change about myself (which included some things fundamental to my personality and other things like the sounds that I make when drinking). Malignus always asked me not to post about anything negative involving our lives (a habit that has made it very hard for me to open up publicly, but I've been getting better at it over the past year) and so I did not announce that my life had basically fallen apart, but I did write this post. I went for three months without getting spanked during this time. None of this is really included in the post, but it's important background.
Welcome to Sternwood Academy: In which we did one of the most fun shoots that ever happened, ever.
TASSP, TASSP Part Two and Other Things TASSP Part Three and TASSP: Final Part, : In which I go to my first national spanking party!
Out of the Bag: In which my mom found out what it is I do, and it didn't go so well.
Drink Me: A post where I describe my distress at being tall and not petite. This is usually not an issue in my life anymore, I'm happy to say.
Crimson Moon: I attended my first Crimson Moon party.
Shadowlane Highlights: My first Shadowlane! Lots of adventures. Although not discussed directly in this post, I also met Paul for the first time this weekend. I did do a bunch of fangirling about my Northern Spanking shoot, but I didn't straight up say "Then I met Paul Kennedy, on who I have had a crush since always" because no one announces their secret crushes to the internet. But I will never, ever forget that day.
My 100th Post: It took me A LOT LONGER to do the next 100.
A Real Vacation: I planned a cabin party in the woods and had many spanking related adventures there!
Obnoxious Comments Revisited: My second attempt at talking about how we should and shouldn't comment on photos.
Happy Spanksgiving: Let's all just remember that I'm the one who invented the concept and name "Thigh Turkey" (not Malignus, or anyone else! Harrumph! Give me credit! *foot stomp*)
Be Here, Now: A post I'm very proud of where I talk about focusing one's mind on the moment.
Surprise and MOAR SURPRISES: When I secretly flew in three girls from places around the country to visit Malignus for his 30th birthday.

Year 3:

I'm a Winner: In which I won the Creative Blog of the Year Award. 
The Cane: Not Exactly a Love Story: I describe my (then) feelings towards the cane. 
Regarding Baring: Where I talk about why I love bare bottom spanking (although some of my feelings on this have evolved, too). 
The Adventure Continues: Roleplaying: At the first 50 Freaks, before it was called 50 Freaks. In this, I recount the story as to why the party got that name, and do other fun stuff. 
The Little Bitch Saga: Probably the most entertaining thing that has ever happened to me in the spanking world. 
A Rocky Start: In which my arrival to the UK was rather traumatic. 
Spanked in Uniform Shoot (and Day 2): In which I visit Holland and get lots of spankings! There's a little part I love at the end of the second post where I talk about Paul picking me up at the airport and feeling a sudden sense of security and relief. I still feel that way every time I see him, whether I'm getting him from the airport after he's been in England or I'm finding him in the grocery store after I wandered off to look at candy. 
Derbyshire Shoot Parts 1 and 2 and 3: In which I first meet my now longtime friend John Osborne, get spanked by Paul for the first time, learn about PE kit, get spanked by a teddy bear and everyone has a lot to drink. I would say I have very warm memories about this time, but it was fucking freezing there, so that language would not be appropriate. 
Shoot Report: Dreams of Spanking: My second DoS shoot involved a lot of fun and antics, plus serious spankings and my favorite ever photo of Pandora Blake's cat. 
The Camden Pancake Incident, More Filming and Alex Buys too Much Stuff: Basically, this title does a good job of summing up my trip to England. I am very fond of the "Camden Pancake Incident" story. 
"The Awful Stuff" and Goodbyes: I talk about my fondness for more cruel scenes and then have to leave England to go back home. 
This Post Makes My Hands Hurt: Probably one of my favorite posts ever, I talk about my first hand tawsing experience.
Size, Shape, Spanking: My attitude about my body shifts towards the positive.
Real Spankings Shoot Three: Meeting Masterson: I meet and get spanked by one of my favorite tops for the first time!
Together: In which Paul visits me for the first time and I am the happiest little girl in all the lands.
Pornography Rant: One of my most serious and important posts. More of a manifesto than a rant.
Compatibility: On the nature of compatibility between spanking partners, and how lucky I am to have someone who fits me just right.
Turn and Face the Strange: In which I talk about the changes that had happened in my life, including the fact that Malignus and I had broken up pretty much as soon as I got back from England but I had a hard time talking about that on the blog, and I announce that I'm returning to Los Angeles.
Protocol: Accepting the Concept, Enjoying the Reality: My first Kink of the Week Post, and a damn good one!
A Very Long Walk: Another post I find super entertaining, in which I get in trouble for doing something silly.
KOTW: Punishment: The Real Kind: Where I describe the ins and out of what real punishment means to me.
KOTW: Punishment: The Fun Kind: Where I describe what play punishment is and why I love it.
Heavy Play: My Perspective: On why I no longer feel like I'm a hard player (warning, contains graphic images)
A New Project and Some Changes: About Kitchen Sink Spanking and my new(ish)ly found spanking sexuality.

Year 4:

How to Politely Comment on Kinky Photos: A Guide For the Genuinely Curious: After four years of attempting, I finally get out everything I want to say about this topic. 
Welcome Home: Paul comes back from England and everything is amazing.
Because You're Mine: A loving Valentine's Day scene.
Outdoor Adventures: The perks of being spanked in the woods.
A New Hairbrush: A sexy, F/F scene.
The Paddling Game: Why I couldn't tell my vanilla BFF that I'm kinky.
Breaking Brushes: In which I break a hairbrush with my bottom at my first spanking of a party.
Every Day is a School Day: Discovering what, exactly, I like so much about school uniforms.

This post was a total clips show, but a good one I hope. AND I updated two days in a row. I deserve a cookie.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Punishment in the Public Eye

In all my years (ok, all three years) of my spanking modeling career, there was one thing which I had never done: a video depicting a real life domestic discipline punishment from someone with whom I had that relationship.

That wording sounds a little specific, and it's meant to be. Nearly all the videos that I do are discipline or punishment themed, but most are obviously roleplayed, creative scenarios. I've done a number of videos in which the thing that I'm being spanked for is something which I really did, but this mentally different than actually being punished for something. In order for a punishment to work, there must be two things in place. First of all, the person being punished must recognize the authority (even if temporary) of the person punishing them, and secondly, the person being punished must be sufficiently vulnerable to allow themselves to feel chastised. Most of the time, if a scenario is punitive, these two things aren't in place.

Now, I specified that I had never done this with someone with whom I was in a real life relationship. I have done one video which was undeniably a real discipline video. It was between Robert Wolf (of Lily Starr Spanking) and myself years ago. Even though Robert and I don't have a normal disciplinary relationship, I consider him to be an "off chart boss of me": he's one of the people whose authority I respect in general, and I'm quite likely to listen to what he says. We're very close friends and we have a relationship based on mutual respect, so I have a lot of trust for him. In this particular situation, I was frustrated with myself, incredibly vulnerable and feeling the need to be punished, so all the key pieces were there. It was a super intense experience, but I only ever felt like it was the right situation to do this the one time. If you're interested, you can get that clip here.

On the subject of Lily Starr and Robert Wolf, they got married the other day. They had a small but wonderful ceremony of mostly vanilla people, but Paul, Amoni and I attended, too, Amoni taking (let me just say gorgeous) photos for them. We had an awesome time, and it was a really special occasion. At one point during the reception, though, I got flustered by all the excitement and ended up saying something really rude to Paul. Since we were in vanilla company, he just gave me a look, but I knew entirely what it meant. I may be frequently naughty: making little bits of mischief, whining, stamping my foot and putting trash in Paul's pocket when we're out and I don't have pockets of my own, but ultimately, I'm still very good. There's a distinct difference between "fun trouble" and "real trouble." I actually had never gotten in trouble for being disrespectful to Paul before. I DO respect him, and I want him to know that. I want to be polite and show him that I appreciate all the love and care that he gives me. I felt immediately distressed by my own behavior, but I put it away and got back to having fun (and soon, cake!) with my friends.

We got home fairly late that night and were all tired from a long day, so Paul told me that he would punish me the next day. We were also planning on filming clips for Kitchen Sink Spanking the next day, and as I went to bed I thought about what we were going to do for it. Kitchen Sink has always meant to be a representation of (if not our real lives) then our real personalities and styles of play. Sometimes the scenarios are goofy and cute and other times the scenes are severe enough to make me really cry and still others are sexy, but none of them had ever brushed on our actual punishment scenes. I came to the conclusion that this was something that I wanted to try doing. I've always felt like discipline was something very private. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about my punishments explicitly online because I don't want to share what I did wrong with everyone. In the past, when I was dating my ex, I felt like I couldn't share my disciplinary scenes because "others wouldn't understand" or they would be judgmental about the harshness involved (I partially felt that because my ex directly told me this, and partially because they actually were overly harsh and lacking in a certain kind of affection). But now that I'm with Paul, my feelings about this are very different. It's "hard enough" and certainly very stern, but the whole proceeding is very loving. There's something special about it. I decided that I felt ready to share this with the internet.

Interestingly enough, I didn't get a chance to bring this up to Paul because he brought it up to me, and we talked about it briefly. One thing that I've always been afraid of when it comes to filming real punishments is that having a camera on would change the way that the actual punishment and aftercare would go, and after talking about it, I felt sure that it wouldn't. We agreed that we would simply do things the way that we would if there wasn't a camera. Since Amoni was here, we asked her if she would want to watch and be in the video and she agreed.

Paul set up the camera and left the room and Amoni and I sat on the bed, talking. This is the only part of the clip that seems a little bit contrived, because I knew that Paul was about to come in and punish me, and I think I probably look nervous, because I was. Soon, he came in and scolded me, inviting Amoni (or "Ami" because "Amoni" doesn't really sound like a name) to watch: since I was rude in front of her, I could be punished in front of her. He was carrying the tawse. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but of all the reasonable implements in the world, this is the one that "gets to me" the most. I have long regarded it as being particularly scary, and because it's an implement that I've primarily only had applied to me by Paul, it also carries a lot of emotional weight. And it really, really hurts. It's heavy and horrible and biting. The design is so simple yet so effective and so unforgiving. I can hardly say the word "tawse" and I feel a little shiver just to type it now.

He directed me over pillows at the edge of the bed and lifted the skirt of my dress. I grabbed Amoni's hand. Then he gave me the first stroke. I felt particularly vulnerable because I was being watched. However, I was more focused on the fact that Amoni was watching me than the camera, so it was probably a good idea that we had her there (I also really appreciated her hand holding). It only took three strokes to make me burst into real, genuine tears. Why? Because it hurt, for one thing, and the strokes were being applied without any warmup. More importantly, though, I felt horrible for my behavior and I knew just how badly I needed to be punished. I was very, very vulnerable. I felt small and young. I also felt a serious sense of security. There's security that comes from knowing that if I mess something up, Paul isn't going to get mad at me or ignore me or push me away. He's going to punish me, hard, because he loves me, and he knows that I can and will do better than this. The whole thing makes me feel very cared for and safe. I can easily let go of my inhibitions and cry myself out, which is exactly what I did. If you watch the video, it might seem like my reactions are a little over the top. That's just the way I am when I'm in this headspace. I feel everything strongly and I react the same. Besides, if I haven't said so before, that horrible thing hurts like nothing else.

By the time we were finished, I was a sobbing mess. Paul sat down on the bed and scooped me up into his lap for cuddling and forgiveness. I continued to cry on his shoulder for quite a while as he assured me that everything was alright and that I was very loved. Honestly, this is the part that I'm happiest to be sharing. I think that the world needs more tenderness in it, especially the spanking world. While I might not feel entirely proud of the way I took the punishment (there's a lot of wailing) I feel very proud to share this special moment created by my vulnerability and his love for me. Really, this is what Domestic Discipline is all about.

I feel very pleased with the final product of the film. It's pretty much the most intimate thing that I've ever done on the internet, and I love how it shows the whole range of emotion that we go through when doing this.

And my marked butt. I enjoy this now that it's over.
Will I do more videos like this in the future? Probably. It honestly felt good to be able to share this. It didn't change the way things went in the least. There's something wonderfully exhibitionistic about it.
I hope that you'll consider checking it out if you're interested. It's now my favorite spanking video that I've ever made. You can see the clip here.