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Monday, June 25, 2012

Out of the Bag

Before I get into this post, there are a few things I need to address.

First of all, I've been a very bad girl when it comes to blogging the past few months. There's nothing less attractive than a half effort. I've had an awful lot going on: a series of unfortunate events, some health struggles, different hours at work than I was used to, and the fact that Malignus and I have begun to launch a new business. I've been dedicating a lot of time to other things. That said, my blog is very important to me, and I intend to return to updating regularly.

Secondly, I know that you all want to hear about TASSP. I want to tell you about it, too! Unfortunately, I'm saving that post until I receive a few photos, and I have something else that I want to address briefly before that.

I left TASSP on Sunday. I arrived in Omaha, and then Malignus and I drove back to Sioux Falls and went to bed around 4 the next morning. That afternoon, I got up and went to the airport to fly to NYC to visit my family of origin in New Jersey and then go into the city for some shooting and visiting friends. During the time that I was in Sioux Falls, I basically dumped all my crap from Texas out and onto the floor of the spare room and then repacked it with appropriate family attire.

I don't enjoy visiting with my family, especially after my oldest brother died last winter. That brother was the part of the family that I connected with. I value my other brother, but we don't share the same kind of closeness. My mother herself has never been emotionally well in my lifetime, and she's caused me a great many difficulties in my lifetime. I don't believe that going into those details here would be appropriate, but know you this: things have been more often bad than good between us.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Last time that I was here, my brother's death was still a present topic. We were at his funeral. This time, it was as if he really never existed to everyone else, while I was hyper aware of all the things that reminded me of him. Despite my acceptance of his death, I caught myself longing for him; the feeling of my body cut up by want inside. My mother ragged on me for small things over and over again, she invaded my privacy, she was critical of my body (this is her favorite hobby. She was a professional dancer and I did not inherit that build, and she takes every chance she gets to remind me of this). It kinda sucked. Then, things got serious.

While I was in the bath, my mother went through my suitcase to find any laundry that might be there (so she said) and, while at it, happened upon a stray cane that had been left in the bag. It's half length and not very noticeable. She wasn't entirely sure what it could be for, however, so she looked up the brand, found photos of me on the brand's site and panicked. She was in hysterics, telling me that she wanted to have me committed to a mental hospital because I'm a danger to myself.

I felt very similarly to the way I did when I first found out that my brother was near death: I'd always known on some level that this moment was going to come, but I sure as hell didn't expect it when I woke up that morning. On many levels, I was prepared for this. I've always been detached and I don't actually NEED anything from her. My familiar connection is more based on filial piety and social constructs at this point. These things didn't stop me from calling Malignus in tears as soon as I ran out of the house.

I ended up going to New York that night, to stay with PeachyKeane and Scotchgrove. They've been extremely welcoming and gracious to me. I explained to the doctor that I am in sound health and that my mother is simply not accepting the choices made by an adult and that was the end of that. I posted about what happened to fetlife tonight, and I got a wonderful outpouring of kind words. That's really the reason for this post more than anything else: I want to thank everyone who posted or messaged me with their support. It reinforced the lesson that I needed the most at this moment:

The scene is my family. When I grow, it loves me for it. When I fail at things, it pushes me back up to try again. When I'm strange, it's stranger. When I'm afraid, it's safe. When I need love, there's love for me. When I need understanding, there are many who have gone through what I have.

As an entity, you're all I could ever ask for, and I love you.

I'm also forever grateful for the people who make up my D/s list. The people I've grown close to are truly beautiful people. I realized when my mother was in hysterics that there is nothing in the world that matters more to me than the people I know from the scene (especially now that my brother, my closest family member is gone). I'm a very lucky girl to have such wonderful people in my life.

I'm not happy with the way things have gone with this incident (between my mom and I) and I don't think that it's over yet. But I'm okay despite it. When I was a girl, I was terrified that I'd be found out and put away for what I do (or, at the time, what I wanted to do). Now, those threats don't really scare me because I'm an adult, and I know that I can and do take care of myself. If anything, this is rather freeing. I have confidence in myself and even less to fear.
And I have you guys. And that rocks.

TASSP post will happen as soon as I get some pictures from a few people! Keep your eyes open! It'll include lots of amazing adventures including me, Malignus, Pandora Blake, Ten Amorette, Amelia Jane Rutherford, Heather Michaels, Christy Cutie, Shay Elizabeth and lots more awesome people! There's even a puppy! Spankings and a puppy! What could be better?!

<3 <3 <3

22 comments:

  1. Sorry the trip was so disastrous on many levels, but glad you survived it and made it back to where you belong ok. HUGGGGGGS And yes, love and understanding is available by the bucketload around here. Your next trip to NYC will be much better ;-) Looking forward to the next post.

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    1. Thank you! I'm sure my next trip will be great. :D

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  2. There are SO many great people in the scene and I'm grateful for that every day. I'm so sorry to hear things caused more of a strain between you and your mother. *hugs*

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    1. *Hugs back*
      You're one of my favorite people in the scene, Lea! I'm so glad to know you.

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  3. <3 <3 You've handled a really big and scary thing gracefully and with aplomb I dont know if I could have. As your friend (and of course your NiceTop(tm) and Boss of You :)), I am really proud. Xoxo

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    1. Thank you! I appreciated your support when I first ran out of the house and couldn't reach Malignus! It makes me feel great that you are proud of me. XOXOXOX

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  4. Wow! I couldn't imagine a more traumatic outing.
    In a way, it seems you were already emotionally prepared long before this moment. When people cannot be close to family members for whatever the reasons, I actually think that provides us with an extra measure of mental strength. We learn to cope and adapt however we can.

    Good luck and keep yourself your main priority.

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    1. I agree with you: being self reliant is a wonderful source of strength. Thanks so much for your support! I really value you as a friend! :D

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  5. Oh my god, how absolutely horrible for you. As if your mom's behaviour and the rekindled grief for your brother wasn't difficult enough. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and hope that your mum can come to a more tolerant place in time.

    In the meantime, thank fuck for chosen family. I'm so glad you have the support you need. Big hugs to you, sweetie.

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    1. Super hugs for you, Pandora! People in the scene have just been so great to me, and I'm so glad to have friends like you.

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  6. Sorry that your mom reacted that way. I'm sure it must have been hard on you because she not only invaded your privacy, but she judged you.
    I Don't think there is anything wrong with your body. & I think it's great that despite her life long criticism of u, you are still comfortable with yourself & your body. I was criticised a lot as a child bc I was an over weight kid. I still struggle with self confidence & self esteem! I also think it's great that u shoot videos & take pics! I wish I were that comfortable with myself!

    I'm still new to this community, but u r right, everyone is very accepting & supportive! If only everyone could be that way! Personally, I don't think my chosen spanko & Dd lifestyle would surprise people that know me (well, maybe the submissive part would...). Non the less, it's hard to know who will flip on you.
    So, I keep my spanko/Dd side hidden & hope that I never mix up my scene blogs/emails/posts, etc with those of my 'vanilla' alter ego!
    Good luck on your new business!
    xoxo
    Jayden ;-)

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  7. Sorry that your mom reacted that way. I'm sure it must have been hard on you because she not only invaded your privacy, but she judged you.
    I Don't think there is anything wrong with your body. & I think it's great that despite her life long criticism of u, you are still comfortable with yourself & your body. I was criticised a lot as a child bc I was an over weight kid. I still struggle with self confidence & self esteem! I also think it's great that u shoot videos & take pics! I wish I were that comfortable with myself!

    I'm still new to this community, but u r right, everyone is very accepting & supportive! If only everyone could be that way! Personally, I don't think my chosen spanko & Dd lifestyle would surprise people that know me (well, maybe the submissive part would...). Non the less, it's hard to know who will flip on you.
    So, I keep my spanko/Dd side hidden & hope that I never mix up my scene blogs/emails/posts, etc with those of my 'vanilla' alter ego!
    Good luck on your new business!
    xoxo
    Jayden ;-)

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    1. Thanks for the comment! Body image is such a hard thing, and I've certainly had my struggles with it, but I try to be confident and enjoy who I am, and I'm going to keep doing that with the scene stuff, too, no matter what my family of origin thinks.
      :D

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  8. Oh, Alex. Jesus. I'm so sorry; how traumatic for you.

    But you're right. The families we choose are often much more supportive and kind than the ones to which we were born. And I know you have a huge loving scene family. Including me -- I wanna hug you so bad right now!

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    1. You can give me a big hug at Shadowlane! I'm so glad to know you and to have you in my family, Erica. You're one of the greatest people I've ever met, and I mean that. <3

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  9. Alex,

    I'm sorry to hear that your outing went down the way it did, but am also fiercely proud of you for handling it so well. It's just further proof of your awesomeness.

    I'm curious, now - how many of us are 'out'?

    oxox
    Dana

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    1. Thank you! Having you proud of me makes me feel really good inside, because I respect you so much.
      <3

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  10. @Dana Kane-I would never want any of my blood relatives to know about my spanking activities-especially my video shoots. But I am VERY independent and like to keep parts of myself private from them in general.

    For my friendships, my best friend knows I love getting spanked-but I've never told her about the shoots I did. I MAY tell her about any future ones and act as if they're the 1st ones I did since I sort of broke it to her over a year ago I was "in pursuit" of spanking video companies.

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  11. Oh, Alex. That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear you had to endure that experience with your mother.

    But the good news is... Look at you. Look how strong and centered you've become. Of course there's nothing wrong. You're an intelligent, thoughtful adult who is in control of her own life.

    And you do have us, always!

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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    1. Thank you so much, Bonnie! It's true: this whole ordeal has really helped me to review where I came from and what kind of woman I was able to become despite it. And you guys are all so wonderful! Hugs!

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  12. Oh, wow. I'm so sorry that happened the way it did, but like some others have said, you're handling it in such a mature way. You seem to be a very strong person, and I think that's awesome... so keep it up, and I hope things get better soon.

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    1. Thanks so much! I try my best to be strong..it isn't always easy, but its an uphill struggle! Things are starting to get much better, so hooray for that!

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