Shit (Spanko) Girls Say

A couple weeks ago, I was introduced to Shit Girls Say and it was full of win. It's funny because it's so true (which is a phrase I'm pretty sure is on the list) and I catch myself saying those things all the time, even though I don't see myself as a typical girl. Being an incorrigible spanko, I've been compiling a similar list of things that spanko bottom girls say. The majority of this is based on stuff that HeatherFeather, Naomi and I say to each other and to our respective tops. 

I present to you, the first installment of "Shit (Spanko) Girls Say."

"That really hurt!"

"Why are you so mean?!"

"He totally murdered me!"

"I can't believe I bought this!"

"Will you take a picture of my butt?"

"No! Not that!"

"Hey, let's go look at hairbrushes."

"I can't believe you would do that!"

"You tricked me!"

"That looks mean."

"You could spank someone with that!"

"Do we have any lotion?"

"I'm still shaking!"

"I need a hug."

"Woah, this is really heavy."

"You said we were done!"

"Are you spanking me again tonight?"

"If we do that, then we're gonna get caught!" 

"Not there!"

"That's the inside of my thigh!"

"Way to throw me under the bus."

"I'm in so much trouble, so I wanted to talk to you before I get killed."

"What is that even MADE OF?"

"Unacceptable!"

"Do I have to?"

"I need new panties."

"She looked awkward. I wonder if she's a spanko, too."

"This is really flexible."

"He looked at me funny. I'm pretty sure he knows."

"Can you still see marks on me?"

"Do we have an ice pack?"

"It was totally not my fault."

"That's where the tip of it hit me."

"I can't sleep. I need a spanking."

"Look at all my tears!"

"I WISH that would break!"

"Do you think you could spank someone with a bird perch?"

"Are you still sore, too?"

"When you were a kid, did you look it up in the dictionary?" 

"OMG, I felt that way, too!"

"Do we have time to go to the kitchen section?"

"Do you really want to buy that?"

"I'm using arnica, do you want some?"

"Then he told me to... actually, I can't repeat that. Ugh."

"It was too horrible for words!"

"It's bulletproof. It can't break. I'm stuck with it."

"He wouldn't do that... would he?!"

"It was seriously like I was on fire."

"Quit exaggerating! It was only like, 20 strokes!"

"Awww, you poor thing!"

"Ugh, I hate saying that word."

"Does my butt look good at this angle?"

"Someone's here. Talk vanilla!"

"I wish I marked more!"

"I wish I didn't mark so much!"

"He's so horrible! I love him!"

"What are we going to tell them it's for if they ask?"

"I cried SO HARD."

"I like your butt better than mine."

"I want that, but I'm scared."

"He uses that on you?!"

"I didn't even get a warm up!"

"Wait! What are you doing?!"

"I'm not ready yet!"

"I can hardly sit."

"I kept waking up because I rolled over."

"It's been so long since I got spanked! I'm dying!"

"Wanna see my welts?"

"Grab something else, I don't want to just buy this."

"Let's go to the bathroom so I can show you what happened."

"Then he was like 'Go get the hairbrush' and I died." 

"Bye! Been nice knowin' ya!"

"Then his voice got all low and serious..."

"If you're a wuss then I don't know what I am."

"We have different definitions of 'bad.'"

"It was not as bad as I expected."

"It was way worse than I thought it would be."

"But what if he does?!"

"Sorry I'm being like this. I haven't been spanked in weeks!"

"Sorry, I was in the corner."

"Ugh, she cries fake."

"I wish she would close her legs while getting spanked."

"Did you see that one guy's hands?"

"We have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond still."

"I can't decide if I'm excited or terrified."

"He wanted to have sex with me. Ew."

"My panties came all the way off and now I can't find them."

"I'm sick. You can't spank me."

"What was that for?!"

"I thought it was never going to be over!"

"One sec, I have to make a sandwich."

"I don't want to ask for it though."

"I hope no one could hear me."

"That's a regular thing to say, right? Not a spanking thing?"

"He's into sensation play, though."

"I could just really use a good spanking right now."

"Have you ever seen a bruise look like this before?"

"I'm hiding this."

"Can you take paddles through Airport Security?"

"I'm really sore."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I want him to spank me with it."

"Want to hear something horrible that happened?"

"Okay, we have an hour. We can get it done before he gets home."

"I like getting spanked with you!"

"He has a good rhythm."

"He'd make a good top."

"I have no sense of self preservation."

"That's not even safe!"

"I'm getting a doctor's note about that."

"It just wasn't a good scene."

"He's just not mean enough."

"That was WAY TOO MEAN."

"I think I have a blister."

"You're never doing that again, right?"

"Are these panties too slutty for spanking?"

"Yeah, but she's into like, bondage and wax play and stuff."

"I can't believe you said that to him!"

"This scene could use a spanking."

"You know whose butt her butt looks like?"

"Sometimes I just want to be around spankos, you know?"

"Hit HER with it now!"

"I can hardly fit my butt in my jeans, it's so swollen." 

"That's not aftercare, that's torture!"

"I'm not done crying yet."

"I wish I was snarky like you."

"I'm just way too good."

"Awww, he did that because he loves you!"

"I don't want to pick."

"Okay! I'm doing it! You don't need to get the cane!"

"He was being really mean about it. It was so cute."

"You're not spanking me again, are you?"

"Seeing that hurt ME!"

"You're so red! I'm jealous!"

"I changed my mind! I don't want another!"

"Do you have time to spank me before work?"

"Am I walking funny?"

"Not the thighs!"

"Wait, you're not really going to do that, are you?"

"That really, really hurt!" 

This is the entire collection for tonight. Feel free to add to the list in the comments section, giving it your particular brand of spanko flare :D

Malignus' Birthday, My Thighs and Other Fun Stuff

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm on holiday until the 3rd, which means that I'll hopefully get a lot written and stored for your enjoyment in the coming weeks. I hope everyone has been enjoying whatever they celebrated.

For my, celebrations began with Malignus' birthday on the 22nd. HeatherFeather and I had a bunch of fun preparing things: we blew up a billion black and red balloons and filled the house with them, got him some gifts and a cake and made a most delicious dinner. The cake was pretty much the best part, though: it's so him:

You can see from this photo that another spoon was obtained. That was from HeatherFeather, with the condition that only I get hit with it. Because, you know, THAT'S fair. The spoon is from the same series as Warren, and the couple of whacks I got with it make it obvious that it isn't going to be my best friend. 

On the right side of the table, you'll see a tube of Capzasin that I bought out of my own free will. Don't freak out. I'm not insane, I promise.

Well, maybe a little. Or it's just that whole thing with the lack of self preservation.

Doing that meant a lot for me in terms of submission, because I hate it pretty much more than any other thing. Just say the word and my face gets sad (the other night, I got scrunchy faced over the word "capsized" in a video game :P). That said, I've been trying to strike a balance between enjoying the fear that comes with partnering with a sadist and knowing that what happens to me is largely outside of my control and not getting irrationally terrified of anything and creating undue anxiety for myself. My feelings towards Capzasin were way too far over onto the side of irrational fear, and it seemed like an appropriate and beautiful thing to do to give up my protesting and indulgence of fear and take solace in not having control. I even ASKED FOR IT the other night, although I did a horribly pathetic job of it. I was snuggling after a spanking and I wanted to ask, even though I really, really did not want to receive it, just because I wanted to be able to accept it and be relaxed about it. I kept sighing as I tried to and failed, and after prompting I finally got the question out in that dumb, quiet, monotone voice. He said no, which made me incredibly happy. Usually getting myself psyched up over something and having it not happen is displeasing, but this worked out well. I'm hoping that next time it comes up, I'll be able to remember my active part in things and that doing so will allow me to move more easily into submission. Hopefully someday soon, I'll be able to ask for unpleasant things in a voice that gives the seriousness due to the situation (that is, not being excessively nonchalant) but which isn't "um   uh    excuse me could I please... have that thing?" 

I know that some people think that's torture-horrible and should never be done, but it's important to remember that, like a lot of things that are truly unpleasant, (like my nylon cane, or my lexan paddle, or thigh spanking at all) it serves a purpose within my relationship and I have, despite my dislike of it, I get something quite noteworthy from it in terms of submission. 

Anyway, on Malignus' birthday he gave us his birthday spankings. I was always pretty sure that those were supposed to be kind of light and fun, but Malignus gave HeatherFeather and I his with an acrylic cane. >_< It was fun, however, because it was the first time that HeatherFeather and I got spanked side by side, and that made the experience far more enjoyable. He did, however, hit me really, really hard 30 times (29 for his birthday, and 1 on my thighs because I said I was "fine" at the end when Heather asked instead of talking about how sore I was :P). 

A few minutes later, I somehow got myself into a situation where I had the front of my thighs caned. He'd done it to another one of my friends one time, but never to me (although he'd hit me there with Jenny and lots of times with his hand) and the other day he hit HeatherFeather there twice. Heather had told me to ask him to do it to me, and because I have NO SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION WHATSOEVER and will always say "Okay!" to something horrible that Malignus wants to do to me for "fun" I agreed and asked him to. 

Holy cow, that hurts. The first two were pretty bad, and then I was matched with Heather. Then he asked me if I wanted as many as he'd given my other friend, and I said yes. The next two made me sob. It was incredibly hard to have what was happening be right in front of me: the psychological factor is 99 percent of things for me, and the sight and sound of an implement in motion have been known to make me gasp or cry out even if they never hit me. Knowing that those strokes were destined for a very sensitive part of my body was incrediscary. When those two were done, he asked me if I wanted one more, so I'd have done more than everyone else, which is just mean, because he knew that there's no way I could say no to that. I had a hard time submitting to that last one, though, especially when he tapped it between two existing welts. I had to hide my face in a pillow. I was disappointed in myself for not being particularly submissive for the last stroke, but I know I'll have other chances and I can just use that as a push to be awesome in the future.

The marks looked like this when it was over: 

That brown bruise is from where he hit me on the inner thigh with a "squirt" cane from Cane-iac a week or so earlier. 

The next day, it "bloomed" and looked a lot worse... on one side, that is:

The side where the cane ended was incredibly more sore than the "near" side, which healed up quite nicely. The feeling of unevenness was really weird and awkward. It bothered me so much that I asked Malignus to even things out, but he refused because it amused him on a sadistic level.

I really, really enjoy being a vessel for sadism. I can enjoy playing with tops who are not sadistic as long as they truly love spanking, but there is really nothing that warms my heart more than knowing that something is horrible simply for the purpose of his enjoyment. I know that I sometimes whine and pout about the agony, but it makes me feel loved and it makes me feel like I'm being unabashedly myself. On Christmas Eve, Malignus hit me with a dishtowel (seriously!) in such a way that it made me cry. The absurdity of it was funny, and he was very, very pleased with himself and as I was crying, I felt very loved and like something was extremely right. It's a very hard thing for me to articulate, so I'll work on it for another time.

By the end of the week, HeatherFeather had left our apartment, not to return for some time, we celebrated Christmas together and then, on Christmas Day, I flew out to visit my remaining family of origin. I'll be here until next Tuesday. I had a hard time leaving, because I find my family of origin stressful, it's a difficult time for them right now to begin with and because, quite frankly, I don't like leaving Malignus. I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that when the week is over, I'm going home to him instead of it being that I visit him for a week and then leave. I imagine that coming back after the trip is going to make it feel even more home-like to me, and that's a very nice idea.

My cousin was recently engaged, but she's spending the holidays apart from her fiance, as they're both with their families of origin in different states. She showed off her ring at the dinner table and talked about how she liked having something that came from him and showed his love for her on her body and how it made her never feel without him. While everyone was saying "awww," I silently lifted the hem of my skirt and gently poked at the welts and bruises on the front of my thigh ;).

Spankoanxiety

I'm a pretty confident girl, right?

Back-tracking through the stories I've told on this blog, I've been photographed topless in Manhattan in the winter, done my first spanking video as a model, traveled to San Francisco to attend the Folsom Street Fair, shot with several other spanking production companies, gotten hot wax poured on me, a needle shoved into my body and cups full of suction on my back and moved across the country.

My image appears in various states of undress and bruisedness quite a few places on the internet. I'm perfectly acceptable showing a lot of sides of myself in photographic form.

Publicly, I'm as okay with being this girl:

As I am being this girl:

Or even sometimes this girl: 

So it gets hard for me to admit that sometimes, talking about things terrifies me. Sometimes I get a lot of anxiety. Well, you might say, that's normal. Everyone gets anxious from time to time. You're in a new place, at a new job, making new friends... of course you're going to get nervous about these things. 

The sad (for me) part is, those aren't the things that are making me anxious. Spanking is.

It isn't that I've gone away from spanking, or lost interest, or any of those strange things that supposedly happen to people from time to time. I've always had this feeling, ever since I was a little girl and I began thinking about spanking. The butterflies in my stomach. The shakiness in my hands when I think about it. The flush on my face when I say the word. The dumb, monotone voice that comes out of my mouth when I try to bring the topic of spanking up when it wasn't already, even when among people I trust the most. 

The anxiety reaches its peak when I'm in a situation where I might get spanked, and it increases in intensity as it becomes more and more obvious that a spanking is imminent. Generally speaking, though, the anxiety goes away simply by exiting the situation or, more enjoyably, by getting the spanking and having the release that's associated with it. The spanking hurts and more often than not makes me cry, and I get rid of all the anxiety which built up as I was anticipating it. 

This is the main reason that listening to someone else get a spanking makes me anxious (and why I tend to do dishes or bathe when someone else is getting a spanking so that I don't hear it): because the spanking is real and I have to face the reality of the fact that I'm a spanko, that this thing which sounds scary is the thing that I like and that this is all real. These are all things that I generally try to celebrate, but even with my happiness, just create a nervous, sick feeling in me. When it's someone else getting the spanking and not me, I don't get the release that goes along with it, and the stress just stays in my body. 

Despite the fact that I'm a spanking model, I can't really watch spanking videos. They make me too nervous and uncomfortable. Having it real and happening in front of me without any connection to me makes me feel scared and pathetic. When I've watched my own videos to try to learn what I'm doing well, or when I've watched videos to learn about the companies that I want to shoot with, I often end up peeking at the screen through my hands, like a little kid watching a horror movie. I almost always end up turning the sound down extremely low. 

Why don't I ever talk about this? Because I'm embarrassed by how embarrassed I am about spanking. Generally speaking, it's easier to just take a deep breath and talk about it than to admit that I have these insecurities. Besides, what kind of spanking model can't even say the word "spanking" when sitting alone in a house where all the residents are spankos who scene together, and spanking is so much a part of our daily life that the wooden spoons in the kitchen are marked with "Cooking only- no spanking!" What kind of person spends six years getting spanked with hairbrushes, yet when asking her roommate to borrow one refers to it as "the thing you use to brush hair" out of discomfort saying the word? I'm supposed to be a pro at asking for spankings, yet when I try to these days, my voice either cracks or gets all monotone and my eyes get big and probably very sad or desperate looking. Somedays, I sit around thinking about getting spanked for over an hour without mustering the courage to bring it up. Sometimes, I honestly believe that if I hadn't run into SF in the library and then creeped his stuff and discovered his spanko tendencies, that I would have died unspanked because I'd never get up the courage to find a partner, which seems pretty likely when you realize that I spent FIVE YEARS perving spanking sites before I made my first contribution to one.

Still, I've usually corrected my spankoanxiety with a simple trick: getting spanked. A good, hard spanking (and yes, I'm blushing as I type this) reminds me of all the things that I get out of a spanking, makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of belonging and gives me a channel for the stress that being a spanko causes me. There are other things that help, too: getting validation from the spanking community that I'm an accepted part of it and that they're all okay and therefore I'm okay has always helped. Being on fetlife, blogging and modeling have boosted my spankoconfidence immensely. 

But right now, I've been so anxious about spanking that I have a hard time getting through a blog post about it, which is just dumb. I'm not being judged by anyone, I'm having awesome spanking adventures and my life is wonderful. Like all things, the anxiety will come and go, I'm sure, until I figure out how to correct it entirely. In the mean time, I'll just be squaring my shoulders and being very glad that my readers can't see me blushing as I type this stuff. :D

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it? Do share. I could use tips :P

Good Spanking :D

I was looking through the front page of my blog and I discovered something extremely unsettling: there were no photos of my butt on it! Fortunately, I have the ability to fix that :P.

Please enjoy these sample frames from my shoot with Chelsea Pfeiffer. The videos and photosets appear on Good Spanking: you can find me right on the front page. You should all be able to recognize my butt by now, right? I really recommend that you go check it out: it was a lot of fun to shoot, and it's one of the videos that has the strongest representation of me as myself, since it's a reality shoot where I'm not playing a character. I love scenes (and videos) like that: you start with two spankos. I'm a bottom, he or she is a top, and therefore, there's a spanking. Thinking about it makes me want to be over a lap right now (oh wait, that's always the case, isn't it?)

Or over an ottoman. That works too. Bare bottomed and over SOMETHING, please!

I kind of made fun of that blue, light plastic paddle... until I got spanked with it. Super stingy. Yikes!

That paddle hurt. A lot.

See my scrunchy face?!

Chelsea really laid into me with the strap. For such a small woman, she really packs a punch! :D

Adventures Part 3! (Final Segment)

When we left Colorado Springs, we were done with the most exciting segment of our adventures. There were no more friends to visit between there and my new home in South Dakota, and we had to cross the worst state ever: Wyoming.

If I have any readers who live in Wyoming, I apologize for hating your state, but I really, really do. And I understand how you feel getting your state hated on, because I am originally from New Jersey and pretty much no one likes New Jersey. But I have to say, Jersey is eighty five million times better than Wyoming. You know why? Because there are things in New Jersey.

There is NOTHING in Wyoming. We couldn't play the Alphabet Game, because there weren't even signs to get letters off of. I decided that it was the capsaicin of states: horrible agony, and you have no idea when it's going to end.

Like all things awful, though, our trip through Wyoming did eventually end. We spent a night in Nebraska at a hotel, and then finished up the our driving the next day. From there, I got to work settling into my new life. It hasn't been entirely easy, although it is quite simple, but it *has* been entirely rewarding.

I know this is incredibly late, but Malignus, HeatherFeather and I had our first Thanksgiving together. I made a turkey that was full of epic win:

as well as additional stuffing, rolls, mashed potatoes (which HeatherFeather made), pan gravy, asparagus, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and peach pie. I made the pie crusts from scratch without a rolling pin, because I'm a total BAMF.

It was a delicious day, and I am truly thankful for my new life, for all the support my friends from coast to coast and beyond have given me, for the internet spanking community, for an amazing sister like HeatherFeather, and, of course, for Malignus. I have an amazing created family, a man I love and who loves me in return, a plethora of amazing friends all around the world, a home, safety, a job and food. I get to spend my free time with people I love doing things that I enjoy, learning, enriching others lives and getting my bottom thoroughly reddened. Basically, I have everything a spanko girl could want, and I really, really appreciate it. <3

Anyway, not to be upstaged by my culinary delights, Malignus made a turkey of his own (on my inner thigh):

The drawing was done by HeatherFeather, for Malignus does not draw cute animals, even when agony is involved :P.
I swear, when he hits me this way, I could probably go to a palm reader and have his fortune told by the marks on my thighs. It's kind of fascinating. And horrible. Horribly fascinating? Why not? :P

Now that I feel like I've finally gotten caught up on all the interesting or fun stuff which has happened recently AND been mushy, I can return to my regularly scheduled programing, so expect frequent updates with thought provoking insights and photos of my butt!

Adventures Part 2!

Well, after my rather somber post the other day, it's time to return to my adventures and stories. I hope everyone missed me :P.

Anyway, on to the rest of my trip!

We left Los Angeles directly from Threshold and drove to Las Vegas. It was a sad departure, but I was excited to be on the road to new places, to meet new people and to start my new life.

We arrived in Vegas fairly late and ended up going to bed fairly early. I still find staying in hotels exciting, and this was by far the nicest one I'd ever been in.

Don't I look cozy?

We spent the next day on the strip, which was full of win. We walked around trying to see everything we possibly could from what seems like dawn to dusk. When we were finished, the bottoms of my feet were bruised.

Aren't we the best ever? 

There wasn't a ton of spanking during the Vegas portion of the trip: we were busy, I was still extremely emotional from moving and a few other things made it not ideal. However, when HeatherFeather and I were waiting around for Malignus in front of one of those places where they fill your face in a photo, we came across this:

We both turned neon red, but for the first time ever, I was able to keep looking at something spanking related in a public, vanilla setting. I guess the reaction has gone from wanting to throw up to having fits of giggles, which is what HeatherFeather and I end up doing every time we look at kitchen stores. :P

From Vegas, we drove to Salt Lake to visit a good friend and her family there. We were in a vanilla, family setting, so there was extremely little spanking conversation going on, but when we did steal away for a moment as "just grown ups" we giggled even more than usual. Salt Lake City was incredibly beautiful and very, very dry. The three of us weren't used to the elevation, and I kept getting nose bleeds >_<. Also, my friend there has pretty much the greatest children I've ever, ever met. Just saying.

Utah is pretty!

I was sad that I didn't realize that lea lives in SLC until after I was about to head out, because it would have been awesome to meet up with her.

From Utah, we drove to Colorado Springs, where I visited with Naomi. I absolutely adore Naomi. She's one of the best people ever. We had a bunch of fun, and she took really beautiful photos of the three of us at Garden of the Gods.

I <3 HeatherFeather! Photo by Naomi.

Because we were at a spanko house, I got a couple of good, hard spankings, which did wonders for my mood. Additionally, Malignus proved the point that he can make ANYTHING hurt by spanking us with my feather duster and making it actually painful. That's ridiculous! It's covered in FEATHERS. >_<

One night, while we were driving back to Naomi's place from having visited someone in Bolder, Malignus fell asleep in the car and HeatherFeather, Naomi and I started sharing Spanko Stories. We talked about how we first discovered our desires, the way that they haunted us as children, times when we got "caught" and how people reacted, the embarrassing things that we did to try to act out or cope with the things we wanted and the deep, dark feeling that there was something horribly wrong with us for the things that we wanted. I know that all spankos go through the same thing, but there was something amazing about being in the flesh with two other girls who lived through the same sort of thing as I did when I was young and knowing that now, the three of us have a happy life where we are able to enjoy getting our bottoms bared and thoroughly spanked by men that we care for and respect. Being in the company of hard-wired spankos is truly magical for me. I really do equate it to going to Hogwarts or Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters or something like that. There's a whole secret world out there, where we are normal and get to celebrate the things that were previously a source of shame. Driving in that car with the man I love asleep next to me and two girls who I truly love like sisters, I felt a sense of comfort and love that I've rarely come to allow myself to feel. It was an amazing moment.

Adventures will continue tomorrow (for real!)
<3

International AIDS Day

I know that there's been an interruption to my regularly scheduled posting recently. It's been a time consuming process getting adjusted to my new life, and I had a few difficult things happen which made the process of creating stability more difficult than it would previously have been. As a result, I withdrew from writing things for publication for a spell.

I've written very vaguely before about the presence of HIV/AIDS in my life. While my HIV status is negative, I have known people with HIV/AIDS and been very close to them for the entirety of my life.
Today is International AIDS Day. Since this day last year, two people I knew died of AIDS. First was a girl who I was not particularly close friends with, but who taught me a considerable amount in both life and death. You can read about the ending of her life here if you use fetlife.

A few weeks ago, while I was in the process of my cross-country move, my elder brother also died of AIDS. He became infected with HIV due to IV drug use when he was a teen and passed away a few months shy of his twenty eighth birthday. While his health had been touch and go for several years, he was in excellent health when I left Los Angeles. He went into the hospital due to excessive sleepiness and inability to stay awake while I was driving to Salt Lake City. I texted him that night with great concern and he told me that he was fine and would be home soon. By the next day, a viral infection had swept through his body and his weakened immune system could do nothing to defend against it. He was seen by a hospice nurse by the end of that night and passed away several days later.

I was able to have a final conversation with him while he was still conscious, during which he told me that he was alright with dying, that he loved me very much, and that he was proud of me for the woman I've become. I told him that he had always been a great source of inspiration for me and that he was one of the most admirable men I've known.

The past few weeks since his death have been extremely difficult for me because the death was so removed from me: I was unable to be with him when he ceased to exist or to see his body and his memorial service won't be held for another several months. It took me a lot of work to believe that he was really dead, to know it in my bones and be alright with it. I think I'm there now, and if not, I'm very nearly. I'm perky and happy and enjoying my life here, making sandwiches and getting spanked. I'm having fun with HeatherFeather and Malignus and making new friends in my new community. The world is full of potential right now. There's terror in the idea that my brother will never again be just a phone call away, but there's also happiness in the fact that he won't suffer from his horrible illness again and in the simple fact that I had the joy of knowing and loving him. He was ready to die and unafraid. So few get that privilege.

I've been keeping this information to myself to prevent it from seeming like I was seeking attention, to avoid platitudes of comfort and to simply not focus on the dark and the terrible, but today seemed like a good time to let everyone know.

Please remember to know your HIV status and to practice Universal Precaution when dealing with blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk and other body fluids which may be tainted with one of the above (for example, saliva from a mouth with an open wound). Use clean needles and wrap it before you tap it. Seek medical attention if you believe that you've been exposed. Educate the people in your community about HIV prevention.

Additionally, remember to fight HIV, not people with HIV. There are a myriad of situations in which HIV is transmitted and it isn't a disease that suggests that someone is a bad person. Anyone can get HIV. It's hard to remember just what that means until you're burying someone you love.

I'm proud of the lives which were lived by my friends who have been killed by this disease despite their illness, and I have great hope for a future where medical advances and education lessen the impact that it has on our world.

Adventures Part 1!

I'm back! For real this time!
I'm all settled in at my new home with Malignus in South Dakota. I finished the majority of my unpacking today. It looks a little odd to see my smiley, cute stuff in a place that I previously thought of as "his", but I'm getting used to the idea of it as "ours." HeatherFeather is still visiting with us: she traveled with us and has been helping me get settled in. She's an amazing scene-sister: she supports me in ways that help me to grow and defeat problems, and she never fails to make me laugh hysterically. I'm going to miss her when she leaves on Monday >_<.

Because I've been away from the internet for a while, I have quite a few stories to share from my adventures. I'll be taking a few days to get caught up with them, and then I'll be back to posting things as they actually happen ;).

Things started in Los Angeles- HeatherFeather and Malignus arrived, and we spent the next two nights in a hotel. We had a few of the people I've become close to over for a play-party the first night. It was a ton of fun. I got spanked by one of my friends while he was wearing a panda suit, we ordered room service, Porcelain Ass abused everyone in sight with a sadistick (pure evil! I'm very glad we don't own one!), and MaskofNormality presented me with a gift that he made me:

It's got Pikachu's tail and drawings that represent some of my best friends on one side.

And the Malignus Seal of Approval and my friends' signatures on the other!

It's ridiculously solid and really, really hurts on impact. It has beautiful craftsmanship, and I get kind of emotional over all the love and effort that went into its creation whenever I see it.

It's okay for you all to say "AWWWW!"

I also got this great gift at the hotel party:

Because nothing says "I love you" like hand-shaped welts on the inside of your thighs. These were hard: the individual finger marks swelled up like cane-welts and the bruises were still hand-shaped four days later.

The next day was a little rough: I had a hard time saying "goodbye" to everyone at the final PTNG social, and packing the car was stressful. Princesstoy came over to the hotel room, because she didn't make it to the party, and brought me an adorable bow that she hand made me. Malignus gave her a beating while I bantered with them, and then she got a course in advanced spanking technique using me as the learning dummy. Near the end of the evening, Malignus hit me with Princesstoy's Evil Stick from Hell©, which, as expected, hurt a lot. I still maintain that it was not as bad as our stupid, extra thick lexan paddle, though.

On Sunday, we headed to Bizzarre Bazaar at Threshold after packing all my stuff up. It was the best way to end my time in LA: nearly all my friends from the scene came out, and I got smothered in hugs and affection. Bizzarre Bazaar is an anual event in which Threshold has vendors and "tasting booths" set up. The tasting booths allow you to learn more about or participate in a particular kink activity. In an indeed bizarre turn of events, I participated in three of these booths which had NOTHING TO DO WITH SPANKING!

First, I tried wax play:

That's me! Alex Reynolds! Covered in wax! Unprecedented!
The wax play was extremely relaxing: it wasn't painful at all and it just felt warm and snuggly on my back. It didn't do anything for me (or even really feel kinky) but it was super nice, and I'd do it again for the "feeling good" factor.

Next, this happened:

That's a needle. In my body.
The play-piercing experience was less relaxing than the wax play, by quite a bit. I've had my fair share of experience with needles in the past, but in every case they've either gone straight in and then straight out again, or they've gone through something and out the other side (when I got my ears and septum pierced back in the day). The whole "going into the skin" part wasn't scary at all, and it didn't hurt that much, but when it started to come out the other side, and I was aware that it was under my top few skin layers, I started to panic a bit. I hyperventalated a little, but the piercer was calming and Malignus was there with me (I would not have done it otherwise, I don't think) and he was gently rubbing the back of my neck and playing with my hair and I quickly regained composure.

There were two booths set up which scared me a bit: the Violet Wand booth and the Fire Cupping booth. Violet Wand bothers me because of the noise: it reminds me of something of a non-consensual nature from my early life and I find it deeply unsettling. Malignus encouraged me to choose to associate it more with the sound of a tattoo gun, with which I have pleasant memories associated, and that did help quite a bit. Fire Cupping freaked me out because I have a fear of having my blood suctioned out of my body through my skin. I got this from some movie when I was a kid, I think, and it's never left me. At first, I didn't even want to look at the cupping while it was happening to other people. Malignus explained how it worked to me and reassured me that it wasn't going to be horrible, and near the end of the day, I was willing to try it.

I'm not going to lie: I didn't like it. It hurt in a weird way: especially the big one in the center. The one stayed on my back and kept hurting for a couple of days, too. I didn't panic or freak out, though, but I think there was some whimpering happening. I was pleased with myself for doing it, though.

After the event was over, we said our final (nearly tearful) goodbyes and hit the road to Vegas.
To be continued tomorrow :D

Is it LOL Day?

I've been on the road and off the internet for about a little over a week now. I came back to discover that today is Love Our Lurkers Day. If you've been lurking and reading this fabulous blog and feeling uncomfortable commenting, now is your chance! A very low percentage of people who view the page leave comments, so those who haven't or don't regularly are invited to today. I love you!

The time that has passed since my last update has been strange indeed. I spent a few nights finishing all the things that needed doing for my move (with amazing help from Mask of Normality) and on last Friday, I picked up HF and Malignus from the airport. We spent Friday and Saturday nights in a hotel in LA and enjoyed an awesome goodbye party on Friday night. On Sunday, we went to Threshold's Bizzarre Bazar on our way out of the city. It was chock full of people I've really enjoyed in the LA community and I was more than pleased to introduce them to HF and Malignus. From there, we went on to Vegas, where we spent the night and then a very fun-filled 24 hours. On Tuesday, we drove to Salt Lake City, which is where we've been since. We're staying with a friend who has several young children, so there have been few opportunities to steal away long enough to blog: the past three times I've tried to make this post,  I've had to shut my computer because a small face appeared on the other side asking "What are you doing?!"

I don't know how the parents out there make it work. I suppose when you're the parent, the kids are less interested in following you around all the time. Maybe.

There will be longer posts coming up with more stories and some photos from the adventures we've been having (although don't get your hopes up for spanking photos: there aren't any of those yet.) For now, I wanted to make sure that you didn't think I'd forgotten you. There are just lots of distractions, things preventing me from getting online, things to do and feelings to deal with. I'm getting there, though. I'll be in my new home on Sunday and I'll get to work creating a new "normal" for things to get back to. :)

Beyond Pervertables

I only recently moved beyond pervertables in my exploration of spanking implements. There are so many pervertables to choose from and it makes the entire world feel like a treasure hunt! Still, there's something to be said for having dedicated implements, and I've gotten just as much enjoyment from tracking those down. So far, these are the only toy producers that I've played with items from. I'd love further recommendations.


Cane-iac: Cane-iac is the site from which I've acquired the most implements. I have two different rattan canes, an 18" delrin cane, a lexan OTK paddle, a rubber paddle, an acrylic paddle, a polypropylene paddle, a "smack stick" and a very small acrylic rod, mostly used for flicking. The thing which is the most impressive about Cane-iac's collection is the fact that despite all the things I own from them, I've barely scratched the surface of what they offer. I've never had any of their wooden or leather implements, and they have a ton of other interesting synthetic options. They are always adding new items to their site, too. When my TNG group had a Toy Show and Tell meeting, I introduced several of my friends to their products, and everyone, whether spankos, sadomasochists or sensual players, found them impressive. Plus, their prices are extremely reasonable. I'm definitely a fan.

Canes 4 Pain: I don't own any implements from Canes 4 Pain yet, but I was caned with one during my first photo shoot. I was delighted to discover that my butt appears on their page :D. They certainly get my bottom's seal of approval!

Canes 4 Pain has some items that are a bit hardcore even for me (like the Sanibel Beach Canes) and others that are extremely ornate and very lovely indeed. Their less complicated models are elegant and extremely effective. They certainly seem sturdy and I like the idea of supporting an artistan. They're on the list of "places to buy things from when I eventually get money to throw around."

Kitty's Exotic Paddles: I've been spanked with Kitty's paddles during two of my shoots. They're a remarkable combination of being a total work of art and really, really solid. Those paddles hurt! They pack a punch! And they're just gorgeous :D They're so nice to touch, because of the texture, that those into sensation play would probably enjoy running them over a body. When my video with Chelsea Pfieffer is released, look for some Kitty related banter :P Once I get enough funds, I'll certainly be investing in one of these lovely pieces.

Stockroom: The physical store for The Stockroom is located right down Sunset Blvd from me, so I've been there a number of times. I have never purchased anything aside from clothing and my toy bag from them myself, but they sell an item almost the same as my nylon cane (aka the bane of my existence) and I've experimented with several of Maddycake and Sir Siq's toys from there as a top. The Stockroom is clearly not a place designed for spankos, but they have some interesting canes that I'd recommend checking out. Bottoms, if you have a sense of self preservation, pass on the nylon. I wouldn't recommend their wooden paddles, as they aren't that special for the price, but their other equipment is quite lovely.

These are all the places that I've played with toys from, that I'm aware of. I'm very open to recommendations for other places to obtain implements! :D

Life Update, Chelsea Pfieffer and Some Thoughts!

I guess I kind of lied when I said that I was back to my regular rate of posting. I'm still pulling three posts this week, but that's the minimum that I like to do. I don't enjoy accepting the minimum effort from myself, so I'll try and keep sticking with things, especially because I am not entirely sure if I'll be able to update while I'm on the road to South Dakota or not.

I'm stressed. I've still got a lot to do before I leave. Insecurities and fears have been popping up, surviving longer than I'd normally let them due to the climate of anxiety and vulnerability that comes with change. I'm not looking forward to saying "goodbye" to anyone, let alone everyone. Still, I'm overwhelmingly excited. I'm going to have a wonderful life with Malignus. We're going to have an amazing time on the trip out to my new life. I'll never have to listen to him tell me that he doesn't have any clean dishes or food in the house ever again! :D

Yesterday, I shot with Chelsea Pfieffer for the first time. She was amazingly nice and friendly. She's the kind of person you just want to hug. The shoot was very straight-forward: it was a "Chelsea Spanks" reality shoot. The part of modeling that I'm the least good at is acting like someone other than myself when I'm in a position which is very true to my inner self, so being able to just be me while shooting a video was amazingly refreshing. Chelsea and I intend to work together again in the future when I fly back to visit Los Angeles (and to work with other amazing LA people). I've yet to meet someone I dislike when working on a spanking shoot: everyone has been amazingly kind, friendly and enthusiastic. I'm really digging spanking modeling. I just can't get enough.

I'm amazed if there are any people who have not yet tired of self taken photos of my butt in the mirror besides me. I am totally in love with my own butt.

Chelsea spanked me for a half hour straight, which further proved to me that I have absolutely NO sense of time when I'm over a lap. It seemed like a few minutes! I know that I've had spankings that were confirmed to be very long by either knowing the time before and after or having another person around to let me know which had the same feeling: time just flew by because I was really happy to be where I was and I was doing the thing I adore. There have been other spankings, especially disciplinary ones, which seemed like they lasted for about an hour, but in reality were just a few minutes long. It's probably related to the fact that there is some kind of temporal anomaly in the corner of my bedroom: time just slooooooows down there. :P

Tangentially related to what I was talking about earlier (because my scene with Chelsea had an influence on this) I've decided that while I still think that I'm fairly hetero-aligned in terms of D/s, I am just as much of a pan-spanko bottom as I am a pan-sexual. When I was a child, my fantasies were always M/F. My first five years of spanking were exclusively M/F. Recently, I've been playing with girls and women as tops quite a bit, and it's just as enjoyable for me. An open mind is a lovely thing: when I was just focused on males as tops, I was losing a lot of awesome options. F/F is pretty epic win for me, too.

Tonight, I'm going to the Halloween party at Threshold. It's my last dungeon event before I leave LA. Even more bittersweetness. It's going to be a lot of fun, though: all my LA people will be there, except Morri, who is currently out of the country. I didn't even get to have a tearful goodbye! I miss you already, Morri!

Where Has Alex Been?! Part 2

When I woke up the morning after, my butt looked like this:

Excuse all the packing that is going on in the background.

On Saturday night, MaskofNormality, Princesstoy and I had dinner together at a Thai restaurant, where we were the only patrons and we talked quietly about kink things the entire time. We also had delicious coconut ice cream. Mmmmm! I already had my makeup on for my second costume, so it was a little strange to the waitress, I think.

From there, we went to the Bordello of Decadence: a play space in Rosemead. It was my first time there and I was really only going because it was a Halloween party and a lot of my friends were there. Pretty shortly upon arriving, I met up with my friend Porcelain Ass, who was dressed as a school girl. Princesstoy was dressed as a sailor girl and MaskofNormality was dressed as Max from "Where the Wild Things Are." His was pretty much my favorite halloween costume ever. He made it himself and it looked EXACTLY like I imagined Max's outfit would in real life. He even made fuzzy shoe covers. I couldn't stop hugging him because it was so cute. I was wearing a pink hamster suit. It was fleecy and warm, though, so halfway through the night I stripped down to my panties and tanktop and ran around like that.

[I might be adding a photo here. I am waiting for permission from my friend who is also in it.]

I didn't play at this party, but I did get to watch an awesome scene between MaskofNormality and Princesstoy. Princesstoy positively shrieks when she gets spanked hard! They were horror movie screams. MoN did an awesome job topping: he's usually a bottom, but he totally pwnd Princesstoy, all while wearing his fuzzy outfit :D Epic. Win.

I was still super sore from my spanking yesterday, especially on the areas that were covered which were previously under-spanked: Sir Siq was able to get different "territory" because he was standing on the other side of me while I was over Maddycake's lap. Sore bottom + fleecy pajama material = mmmmmmm. Positively cozy. The weather outside was cool and foggy and it made me look forward to this winter, when I can come in from the cold, get warmed up by a good spanking and then cuddle up in something warm.

I'd be lying if I said that BoD was a favorite playspace: it doesn't have any private rooms, and I don't think there are any places there where I would be able to get into a good headspace during a scene. It did, however, have a good layout for socializing and pretty nice snacks :). In all, it was certainly a nice play for a big party, but not somewhere that I would go with the intention of playing.

BoD is across the street from a graveyard, and as we were walking out the sky was a bit too light for the time of night it was, but the street was heavy with fog. It was perfect murder weather. That made the night even more Halloween-y.

On Sunday, Maddycake came over again and we did literally all the rest of my packing (except the things I'll need for the next 10 days) and had lots of snuggles. I'm going to miss all the people I've talked about in this entry way too much. On a side note, Monday and today have been a bit gloomy for me: part of it is the drop from having spent the weekend surrounded by all my favorite Los Angeles people. Part of it is the weather: it has stayed gray and rainy over here. Part of it is the fact that now that all my stuff is packed up, my apartment feels weird and sad. There's also the fact that I've been worrying about making friends and whether or not I'll be liked in my new community once I move to South Dakota. I spent most of my life being awkward and generally unpopular, so it's a hard worry to shake. I'll be with Malignus, and that fills me with glee and happiness, but I'm going to need some other friends, especially girls who want to squee over kitties and cute fuzzy stuff (when Malignus isn't around). I know a few people online and I've met a couple of people in person who seem pretty awesome, so hopefully things will work out for me in that department.

Finally, I'm shooting with Chelsea Pfieffer on Friday and Lily Starr again on the first of the month. Pretty exciting stuff!
I'm back to my regularly scheduled program, so expect posting to go back to its normal pace.
<3

Where Has Alex Been?! Part 1

It's been about five days since I last posted. That's unusual for me! I love blogging and aspire to do it every day, if I can. That said, I've been a busy, busy girl.

In case anyone hasn't heard me talking excitedly about it recently, I'm moving to South Dakota soon: in fact, I'm leaving Los Angeles in less than two weeks. There's an awful lot to do, getting ready to move halfway across the country, by car, to a different climate, after having lived in the same place for two years. My time has been pretty divided between productivity: packing, sorting, cleaning, organizing, preparing and enjoying the time that I have left with my friends out here. As I've said before, they're awesome people who I am going to miss a great deal, and I'm very glad that I'll be visiting them frequently.

Thursday was my last munch with the Pasadena Roses and Thorns. Their December 2010 munch was my first public kink event of all time, and I've really enjoyed all the relationships I've built there. It was a fun but bittersweet evening. Maybe I cried a little bit over it. Maybe. Everyone knows, Alex never cries. :P

This weekend, I got a lot of "to do's" crossed off my list, and I got to spend quality time with a lot of friends. This included some of the best kind of time: time spent across a lap.

On Friday night, I went to Fetnoir's "Procrasta-ween" party at Threshold with Maddy and her Daddy, Sir Siq. Sir Siq has become my unofficial protector within the local scene: I *can* take care of myself, but sometimes, having a 6'4" man behind me is a comforting thing, especially when I'm prancing around a dungeon in something skimpy and ridiculous like this:

The party was very small: there was a larger event going on at a different play-space that night. Still, the people in attendance were good people, and three can be a party of itself. We had some snacks and hung out a bit, because Sir Siq and I were basically going to die of hunger when we arrived. Then we went into a black light room and Maddycake and I danced around for a while. Sir Siq was dressed as a soldier and had two airsoft guns with him as part of his costume. Have you ever been shot with an airsoft gun before? I had, in passing, over a layer or two of clothes. Mostly, I'd only been grazed with them. Like most things, airsoft guns hurt a lot more when you get hit with them directly on your bare bottom.

Sir Siq drew a target on each side of Maddycake's butt and had her bend over a bench in the private room we were in. Then he shot her directly on the first target. Then she exploded.

Not literally, of course. She just freaked out, jumping up and shouting and hopping around. It took coaxing to get her back down for the other side (including promises that I believe have not yet been fulfilled) but he eventually took the second shot. I stood back and watched her freak out and complain of the extreme hurt. Have you ever heard of the term "morbid curiosity"? I've never understood the evolutionary purpose of such a thing. Anyway, I've got a bad case of that. "I tried this thing! It totally sucked!" my friends say and I say "OOOOH! WILL HE DO IT TO ME?!"

A few minutes later, I was the one with the targets on my bare bottom. Being shot with an airsoft gun is the strongest example of pain-lag that I've ever felt during a scene. I've read descriptions of people having a full second or two of lag behind the impact and full experience of pain from a caning, and while I agree that there's a secondary pain which is much worse than the primary in those cases, it's never taken all that long for me to experience it. With the airsoft gun, it took at least three seconds. I had long enough to stand up and look at Maddycake with one eyebrow raised, because I didn't feel anything really. Then all the sudden, pain appeared. It felt like a hard cane stroke, only instead of being a line of hurt, it was concentrated into a dot of agony. It developed into a little welt that looks a bit like a bug bite. Then, I got back in position and he shot me on the other side. The second of anything is at least twice as difficult to relax through, and I did a good effort at stoicism but totally squealed when I got hit this time: before it even started to hurt. I'm not about to do this all the time, obviously, but it was very cool to find out what it was like.

We went and watched a class on Mummification Play (it fit the Halloween theme!) which was interesting. I'm clearly not about to engage in it, but it is always interesting for me to learn the how and why of another kind of play so that I can better know what my fellow kinksters are experiencing.

After the class, the three of us went into my favorite room at Threshold (the one where Princesstoy topped me) so that Maddycake could spank me. She sat down on the bench and I went over her lap, which was very nice: I think the last time I had a thorough spanking while OTK was in September, during this scene, and I am pretty much addicted to that position. Maddycake was dressed as a fuzzy, pink kitten and I had my Pikachu backpack to hug (I avoided putting my face on it because I had makeup on and didn't want to mess him up) so it was a much more adorable spanking than I usually get. Maddycake also had on fuzzy, pink paws as part of her costume, and between volleys of spanks, she would rub my butt with the paw. Usually, I've been rather "whatever" about sensation play, but this was extremely nice. It's not something I'd want to incorporate into my regular play, but every once and again, it would be super enjoyable.

After Maddycake's arm got tired (she's not usually a top :P) Sir Siq took over while I was still over Maddycake's lap. He stood on the other side of the bench and spanked me with all the implements I had with me and did a very thorough job of it. I tend to talk about how I don't like playing with non-spanko purists, but he created an atmosphere which worked extremely well for me and he had great physical spanking skill. I had my blue, rubber "running track" paddle with me, and near the end, he focused on using that because it was making the strongest reaction. I wailed and shrieked (because in a dungeon you're allowed to be noisy!) and in the end, cried (while Maddycake was rubbing my back with the fuzzy paw). I didn't realize just how much I needed to be spanked to tears right then until I got there, but I was able to let a ton of stress go. When the spanking was finished, I lay in position and hadn't a care in the world: I just cuddled there feeling happy and content. Sir Siq put my Pikachu under my arm for me to cuddle and Maddycake rubbed me with the paw some more. It was lovely to feel so safe among my friends.

After a bit, I got up and checked out my butt, then we got photos:

Later, Sir Siq gave Maddycake a beating and I helped out: I worked on her butt a bit while he was cropping her on the back and later, I provided banter and under-bus-throwing. It was nice to watch them play, too: they have very good energy in a scene. Afterwards, Maddycake and I had the fun of having sore bottoms together and that's always a lot of fun. Maddycake and Sir Siq played together until the club was about to close, so once that was finished, it was time to get home and into bed. I had another big day coming up on Saturday... [to be continued, tomorrow!]

Photos: Lily Starr Spanking Shoot

I did my second spanking modeling shoot with Lily Starr Spanking at least a month ago, and somehow, I never got around to posting photos from it! Shame on me!

Lily and her partner, Robert Wolf, were ridiculously fun to shoot with. They are just awesome people to hang out with. I got there a bit earlier than our scheduled start time and I got to hang out and chat with them while Lily got ready. I'd known them over the internet for a while, and it's always awesome to get to hang out in-person with your online friends. We shot three scenes: one of which hasn't been released yet, the other two "One Last Chance" and "Waiting For It" are available now at Lily's Clips for Sale and Spanking Library stores.

Some photos from "Waiting For It::
I got spanked:

This video co-stars Lily's teddy bear :D

And then caned:

Then off to bed with a sore bottom and Lily's bear:

The second clip features me getting spanked by Robert.

First over my panties:

Then on the bare:

Then he beat me with his belt:

It is super hard to get a good screen capture of a belt spanking. It moves so quickly!

I was quite sore:

The video ends with *GASP* Alex in the corner:

Who would DO such a thing?!

I'll have photos from my third clip, "The Motivator," once it is released. I'm shooting with Lily and Robert again before I move, and hope to do even more when I visit California in the future.

Limits

I was talking with a friend about limits in preparation for Wednesday’s PTNG Discussion Social on limits, negotiation and consent. She asked me, seriously, if I personally knew what my limits are. Honestly, it was a hard question for me. I don’t like the idea of being labeled as a “hard player", despite the fact that I know I sometimes am one, but I know that a lot of my friends, especially my local friends, see me that way.  I’m certainly not one of those “no limits crazy people” that sometimes show up on fetlife, claiming they’d let their Dom do anything to them. I do have some sense of self preservation: it’s just less than a lot of other people's. I had to admit that there are some limits that I'm not sure of. I don’t mean what types of play or activity I am or am not comfortable with. I find that to be straight forward and easy to categorize. I do so like this:

Ethical Limits:

The following are things that I won’t do, even under duress, because I feel that they are ethically inappropriate. These limits are constant and universal.

* Play involving parties that do not or are unable to consent. This includes play involving minors, animals, the dead, the unconscious et cetera. 

* Play where the validity of consent is questionable. This includes people who are not mentally stable enough to give proper consent or those who have a track record of consenting to activities and then retroactively “removing” their consent to play the victim. I believe that consent must remain cut, dry and clear for a scene to function.

Solid (Unbending) Limits: 

I don’t like to use the word “never.” There was a time when I had “themes of bodily possession or belonging to another individual” on this list, and now belonging to Malignus is one of the greatest joys in my life. I’m always open to the idea that I could change dramatically in the future. That said, I can’t see myself ever doing these things if my life keeps going the way it is right now: 

* Sexual themes or contact in play. 

* Degradation or humiliation.

* Inserting anything into any of my orifices, including my mouth.

* The sharing of bodily substances other than my tears and blood.

* Contact with my sexual organs, including my breasts, of any sort during a scene.

* Religious, spiritual or occult themes in play. 

* Permanent bodily damage or transformation. 

* Consensual non-consent.

* Infantilism.

* Age-play where a character is younger than teenaged.

* High Protocol.

Hard Limits: 

These are things that I have absolutely no desire to ever do, but that I would engage in if sufficiently driven by submission and in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Those in bold carry significant emotional weight:

*Wet and Messy play, especially including food.

*Suction or vacuum play.

*Electrical play.

*Breath or choking play.

*Drowning or water-boarding scenes.

*Fire play (including fire cupping).

*Knife/ Sharp object play.

*Whipping and flogging (or any kind of impact play on the back).

*Needle play.

*Sensory deprivation.

*Medical play.

*Things involving feet.

*Tickling.

*Confinement.

Soft Limits:

These things aren’t my preference, but I’m willing to do them if they are useful in a particular situation or are for a video:

*Full nudity during a scene.

*Teenage ageplay.

*Bondage or restraints.

These are the limits that I understand. The ones that are lost on me are the limits of physical tolerance within a scene which is emotionally comfortable. There has to be an end to what I can take, right? If there is, it’s eluded me thus far. 

I’ve never reached the moment where a spanking becomes physically unbearable before (although I did once reach the point where I had to throw up because I had eaten way too much ice cream cake before the scene and another time because the emotional side of things wasn’t right for me). I’ve touched on the rumored “terminal hurt” –– the place where the body simply stops processing pain and things feel awesome, once, and it was an amazing experience. But I often hear people talk about thinking that they “can’t take any more” and that is something that I don’t feel.  I choose what I can endure. I have never seen a photo of a scene or created a scenario in my mind that I did not have full confidence that I could endure unless it was permanently damaging, against my other limits or far too dangerous. I’m not being cocky: I know what my abilities are, if I desire to use them. I’ve been severely injured in the past (from reasons not related to the scene!) in ways that the majority of people I interact with will never experience. I endured. I’m able to endure a considerable amount. What influences me, what creates my not yet understood limits, isn’t my ability: it’s my desire.

I’ve come to the conclusion that what I can take is based entirely on what I want to take, which makes the idea of the end point very flexible and sort of unnecessary. There’s romanticism in the idea of “going all the way” and finding the end of what I am willing to endure, the place where I no longer have any desire to continue. If I enjoy pushing myself, it would follow that I would enjoy pushing myself all the way. The problem with this is that it isn’t practical. It’s a nice fantasy, but it would involve an amount of force that would certainly be injurious and the satisfaction of proving what I can take wouldn’t be worth the effort and possible physical consequences to me. 

As it is, I take pleasure in engaging in play which is severe and “pushing myself” from time to time. It isn’t my usual thing. I don’t consider myself a particularly hard player in my daily life. When I do receive spankings that are particularly severe, I have the confidence of knowing that no matter what happens, it is something that I can take. I don’t need to have physical evidence to know that. I really only play to that level of intensity with Malignus, and I trust him entirely. Perhaps more importantly, I trust myself to be responsible for my own well-being if it comes down to it, and to endure appropriately if it does not.

Whether you’re seen by others as a hard player or not, do you know where you draw the line? Are you comfortable when others mark their limits in vastly different places than you do? I’ve often been uncomfortable talking about the level of play that I’m alright with because I fear that others will judge me negatively for it. Thoughts on that?